Recovery After Narcissisistic Relationship

Not many people are aware that narcissism goes far beyond shear vanity and self perception. Many fail to ask the relevant questions, fail to educate themselves that there is an entire disorder that can encompass the individual beyond just self appearance and the opinion of others.

So what is NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)?

According to the Mayo Clinic : Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and other areas of their life, such as work or school.

If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don’t receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.

At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior. Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.

Many experts use the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association, to diagnose mental conditions. This manual is also used by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:

• Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
• Exaggerating your achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
• Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
• Requiring constant admiration
• Having a sense of entitlement
• Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
• Taking advantage of others to get what you want
• Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
• Being envious of others and believing others envy you
• Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others.

Often times victims have no idea that it’s effecting them , or has had dire consequences upon their own health and well being until it’s too late. Many times victims are simply too busy providing the constant attention, affection, and desires of the narcissist to consider their own safety and well being yet this should be top priority.

It’s at the end of such distorted and unhealthy relationships that the victim begins to truly question what has occurred, asking the necessary questions, and realizing they were preyed upon and taken for granted by someone who they confided in, trusted, and loved. The devaluation and discard then begins to take affect often when it’s least expected or warranted.

So how can victims heal, how long will it take, do they need professional help to recover?

In my own situation, I was involved with and married a malignant narcissist for thirteen years together eleven years married. Finding myself without credit, assets, bankrupt, no savings, no financial means to move forward , no employment nor housing was next to impossible. I was forced to vacate when the utilities were turned off on our home, for failure to make payment after not having any income, child support, or alimony. This resulted in our homelessness temporarily till we secured temporary housing. We immediately filed for housing assistance, food assistance, and aid of every sort available. Unfortunately a waiting list of nearly two years hampered our efforts and the aid received was extremely low. The struggle is real and the back and forth court action took four years to complete.

Yet never say never is the common thread with most victims. The courage and compassion that once was viewed so highly by the narcissists as a defining trait, is now what the victims need to rely upon to get them through the journey in life after narcissism.

Speaking from experience, I have had over six years of criminal justice experience. I worked with public defenders, attorneys, and judges during internships and thesis requirements necessary to obtain my masters. I took courses and addressed certification requirements centering upon modus operandi, criminals, drugs and alcohol addictions etc. yet nothing prepared me for narcissism. It never was on my radar. I never heard of it , beyond the vague term of self absorbence.

I wanted to save enough to one day attend law school, but sadly my dreams were never met after getting involved with a narcissist. I never attended law school because I was blessed with a newborn child born with medical disabilities requiring round the clock care and undivided attention even to this day fourteen years later. Later having two more children all with high risk pregnancies and complications.

I did however, manage to complete my thesis to acquire my MPA degree on my death bed after nearly dying from a placenta abruption requiring emergency c section and two pints of blood ,resulting in my son being life flighted to a children’s hospital equipped in specialized care to treat a VATER Syndrome child. I was given a 7 % chance to live while my son was given a 2% chance.

So you might ask how on earth did I make it through all that and then turn around and deal with a malignant narcissist ~ the most dangerous of all psychopaths.

Pure will , determination, and unconditional love of family and friends.

Never underestimate the power from within.

Victims often feel lost, confused, disoriented after a relationship with a narcissist. They can’t imagine life without them, because they were brainwashed into believing they can’t do anything on their own, perhaps they were made to feel dependent upon the narc for their own well being, perhaps the narcissists exaggerated their own self worth while degrading and lessening the contributions of the victim. In my case even with the same MPA (Masters in Public Administration) degree my narc tried to convince me I too was unable to move along without him. I was a stay home mom without a job, without savings, without assets, without a home of my own. I was left homeless, bankrupt, without credit, no assets, no foundation upon which to rebuild.

Nothing prepared me for the battle I would then have to experience through divorce, custody, visitation, support, and recovery. It took four years, three attorneys, and everything I had in me to keep my family together. We had to file wage attachments, garnish wages, after over 15 thousand in arrears accrued for failure on behalf of my narcissists to pay for his wife (me) and our 3 kids. He sold off all assets, mortgaged all property, emptied all accounts including our kids college funds of nearly 12 thousand and simply walked away into the sunset.

Where does one go you might then ask? Keep in mind I’m now overqualified with a masters and no prior work experience for 13 years as homemaker. Well like many victims I began to go into survival mode. When my narcissist refused support payments for over a year forcing us to live without income I went to local food banks, applied for financial aid, and sought government assistance. When our first payment of $100 dollars arrived after a year of living without reportable income, I took it back and fought the system to acquire a more appropriate amount. For the narcissist he believed everyone was against him, he convinced himself others were only interested in him for what he could provide in terms of monetary or assets yet he never could fathom how a relationship doesn’t involve money, wealth, power, or prestige, or status upon how others might view him. Narcissists are incapable of understanding unconditional love . They do not know how to be true to themselves. They are not authentic, and they stand for nothing. They need others to do their work, they need constant attention, they get bored easily , and are self absorbed. The world in essence is their playground. Having to re invent myself, going back to undergrad school to renew resumes, learning new technology, becoming business savvy, learning to sell myself, and having to update my skills constantly was a necessary evil and hard pill to swallow all at once while in survival mode as a single parent.

For those who’ve experienced narcissism they can tell you it’s a living hell.

You lose so much of yourself trying to constantly aim to please your partner. You feel like the life was literally sucked out from you. Many victims refer to narcissist as monsters, vampires, cons, etc. Feelings and guilt are common as you begin to ask yourself how could I have not seen this behavior, how did I not notice, and begin self blame, not to mention narcissist never take accountability and place the blame and fault for the relationship on others. The best way to view a past narc relationship is to truly forget the person exist. You will never get the apology, no remorse and no regret. Never blame yourself, and never find fault. You were targeted and preyed upon.

Therefore to begin moving forward you must make yourself a priority. Take charge of your life, your actions, and accept your role in the relationship. Deal with the emotions as they arise, as many times we are forced to repress our emotions, and never granted permission to freely express our opinions or beliefs. During a narc relationship our experiences, our beliefs, our values become secondary as the narcissist wants primary importance and pedestal placement.

Make yourself a priority and begin doing what you love. Walk away from the toxic individuals who no longer support you and your endeavors. Establish goals, dreams, have a plan, especially a safety plan of escape and know that you are worth more than what a narcissist has told you, and more than they can ever provide for you. Never lower your standards, as your story is yours to own, and only you can tell your story. Never stay silent, walk in your truths, and let others know it’s ok to share your story to help heal others in allowing them to know they too are not alone.

Inner healing and wellness is possible. Whether you choose to self heal or choose to seek professional help is your decision to make. For me I decided to heal from within by dealing with emotions as they arose. Expressing and releasing my anger and telling my story helped tremendously. Education is paramount to understanding NPD and similar personality disorders. Remember you are not to blame and it’s not your fault. Forgiveness for not knowing for myself was reassuring. You don’t have to forgive the abuser.

What was most interesting is it was rock bottom upon which I rebuilt my life and that of my children’s. So never think because you have so little that you can’t rebuild. I never thought that in not having employment, or income, I could get any lower. Yet my narc proved me wrong. I now am unemployed, was homeless for a period of time, and had filed bankruptcy after being left with marital debt and having been forced to live using credit cards while the courts played catch up with the support and garnished wages.

Can you imagine while this was going on my narc had deposited nearly 26 k in one time payments which was exhibited through our taxes, federal documents, and bank statements from his own account, yet still nothing was done to secure those payments for our family?

Do not depend solely upon the system for help, because sadly the system fails, often abusers are given more rights than victims, the courts aren’t aware of NPD, and the courts are inundated with high case loads of domestic violence cases and family law civil matters. In many courts not all, you are seen as sadly a case document number and your needs are not seen as important. In my case because it was a civil case, the criminal cases that my council had on file took precedence. In my case, my voice and that of my children’s pleas for help went unheard. Corruption, nepotism runs rampant in my area, and wealth, power, and money takes priority. Be knowledgeable of your area, and look around before hiring just any attorney. Make sure you know that legal aid won’t help if it’s a civil matter such as divorce. Therefore make sure your finances are also in order. Know that the narcissist will have the resources to hire the best attorneys so prepare wisely.

Leaving is never easy, walking away from any relationship is hard, but leaving a narcissistic relationship is unlike any typical breakup. This is not a normal relationship and must be treated as such. Find a great supportive group that understands this and can provide you with the help , courage, and commitment it takes for the long haul. Examine your circle of friends and family and make sure everyone in your circle is there for the right reasons and will provide the love and support you need.

Focus on you. I can’t stress this enough! As women we put everyone’s needs before our own. As men, they are seen as the protectors and providers and often times they’re afraid to express their deepest thoughts and emotions for fear of being seen as weak. Remember, it took years to get to the point of where you now are, it will take just as long to recover. Don’t expect it to happen overnight, don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. Go at your own pace, as you are the best source of insight for yourself.

Most importantly know your worth, set your boundaries, retain no contact, and never look back.

When I first left, it was after a violent episode in which I was thrown against a plaster wall for questioning past experiences of cheating, adultery, and the evidence I located to support my claims. It was met with narcissistic rage, which so many victims experience behind closed doors, and it need not be physical.

Abuse can incorporate many different levels including but not limited too:

• Verbal
• Emotional
• Physical
• Sexual
• Religious
• Financial
• Psychological

Narcissists are professionals they are highly skilled, with often times years of experience to hone in and master their craft. They know how to sell themselves, and leave no stone unturned to put their best foot forward. They appear very put together, well off, professionals, highly trained, intelligent, superiors. They have trail of enablers, loyal followers, groupies, harems, that will continue to uphold their beliefs and support them creating a cycle of abuse for them to continue perhaps for their own personal gains.

What is most deceiving is how empty they are, how void of emotion, how lonely and incapable they truly are. They lack the ability to be real, staying true to themselves as they continue to mirror, project, and imitate the behavior of others. They scan books, educate themselves, and really master the art of deceit, mind games, trickery, to establish their own needs.

The new supplies are present for their mere gain, benefits, and needs. They treat them with complete disregard. They belittle, degrade, humiliate, and chastise them.

Narcissists are incapable of loving another human being unconditionally as they repress emotions, feel others who express emotions are weak, and they have a very guarded sense of self. They are more machine like in behaviors feeling the world is out to get them. This sense of superiority and entitlement is beyond comprehension to someone who’s never witnessed it first hand. It truly takes someone who has experienced narcissism to truly understand the void, the bottomless pit, the black hole that is within these toxic individuals. It’s a mental disorder, a personality trait disorder, and regardless of whether it stems from some childhood trauma or developed much into adulthood it’s extremely damaging to the primary source of objection and secondary sources of supply.

The only sure way to not deal with a narcissist is to walk away from one. Know the warning signs such as grandiose egos, sense of entitlement, superiority complex,etc.and keep your guard up.

Trust your gut instincts, and honor the opinions of others around you. So often victims get caught in the love bombing, hovering, triangulation, gaslighting stages that they forget this is all part of a plan to win them over. The narcissist surely wouldn’t put their worst foot forward , they have to rely heavily upon this attention, affection, and admiration for their mere existence. They need the supply to survive. They feel helpless, and hate this fact, yet they know without the supply they are nothing.

Remove yourself from the equation. Focus on what remains, and what you can take ownership upon, and never accept less than you deserve. Give back to the narcissist what was wrongly placed upon you and never look back. When I first left I found that my narc was nearly hysterical. He called relentlessly left numerous messages, emails, handwritten notes. I thought it was because he missed me and wanted me back, only to learn it was part of the grooming and conditioning, he didn’t want me but rather what I could do for him, how I made him feel, and how I did it all for him. Once victims leave you can be assured the narcissist will already have a new supply line up in waiting.

For my case, before my bed was even cold, before removing my new bedroom suite, furniture, curio cabinets and personal belongings he had the new supply involved. The new supply noted online how she was helping to move his belongings from our rental home back into our primary home the very home he was removed from by our local police department for abuse which was heard on 911 tapes and written down in the reports. The new supply never questioned where his wife and kids went, she simply became the new target, doing what was asked, she herself I presume having low self esteem, becoming the newest victim. She was in denial to the facts that existed and refused to acknowledge the truth of the situation.

How could anyone not ask where is your family? Where did they go? Are you helping them in anyway? How often do you see them? Do you not miss them? When he spoke of us, she couldn’t understand why? Are you involved actively in their lives?

Perhaps now she might know the truth. Before he closed one door he already opened the next. Before ending our relationship, and having time to heal and look back, he was actively pursuing the next victim. It was all so sudden, a whirlwind of destruction. It’s easy to walk away, not accept responsibility, set up your own hours of visitation when convenient, and place blame on others. Harder is to accept your own actions, own up to faults, and be a protector and provider while helping to raise your own children. Kids need parents not those who make it convenient for them to appear to be actively involved. Pictures cannot make up for absence. Presence not presents are needed.

I later read online the new supply wrote I’m in bed with a wonderful person “my husband in waiting” I couldn’t believe it as I had just separated May of that year and here we were just two months later. Come to learn before we separated, he had already started pursuing a new supply (this after years of womanizing and adultery) and it was because I found out that he became violent. I had uncovered dating web sites, Victoria Secret gifts, and the online statuses that were made public without regard to whom it would hurt, not thinking we were still legally married. I later during discovery, found credit charges for dinners out, beach trips, vacations, and outings while we awaited support and alimony (which had to be garnished). You know the old adage if it seems too good to be true. Don’t hold on to hope in relationships. Watch the body language. Don’t trust the words trust the actions. Do the research.

My best advice: Go back to your roots. Examine and challenge yourself. Never give up and don’t let negative noise drown out your goals, dreams and aspirations. Set goals that will require effort but are attainable to help with self esteem and confidence.

I’ll never forget when my support case kept being delayed. He kept saying he had no money while we lived with no money. He kept pleading debt while he worked with income and had retained numerous assets, while I made payments to an attorney to simply file bankruptcy. While we ate at soup kitchens he ate at restaurants. While we repaired our lives he simply moved forward without regard to those whose lives he ruined.

It’s easy to become angered, it’s easy to withdraw, and easier to internalize.

What victims must do is look from within.

Everything you need is already inside of you. Having gratitude and counting blessings is key. When I was homeless I attended a woman’s shelter fundraiser and walked two miles in brutal cold to raise awareness to the cause . I continued to increase my volunteer hours to every local nonprofit I could help. As a 14 yr volunteer I never waivered on helping those less fortunate even when I myself found to be in the very same situation as them. I was always taught from a young age to always give back to those in need.

What I learned was heartbreaking yet so loving, rewarding, and gratifying.

It’s in your most trying times you find your greatest source of strength.

When you think nobody cares, look around, you will see things from a different light. When you feel you are down on your luck, glance over at the person who is out in the cold freezing looking for a warm hot meal or clothes to put on.

In closing: You may have lost everything but as long as you have health , family, friends, and the basics you have it all. There are always going to be others less fortunate that would give anything to be given one more day. I have a number of friends who lost their lives to domestic violence both men and women. I know they would’ve given anything to be here today and not have their voices permanently silenced. Don’t be a statistic. Speak up, speak out, and never be afraid to have your voice heard.

Every day is a new beginning. Don’t waste it with regret, don’t waste it over examining the past. Use every new day to begin a new chapter. You hold the pen. Make it a great read….

Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul. ~St. Augustine~

About the Author:

Donna Hines is the Founder of the Lost Self Life After Narcissism. After graduating with her MPA (Public Administration/Criminal Justice) she married a Malignant Narcissist who was abusive in every form including physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, and financially. She divorced after an 11 yr marriage and 13 yr relationship with 3 minor children one medically disabled. She struggled through the legal system for 4 yrs to obtain her divorce. After hiring 3 attorneys and living off credit cards for over a year to survive she filed bankruptcy. She was left with very little having to pick up the broken pieces and rebuild. She found herself unemployed and homeless. She was a homemaker for 13 yrs w/o any prior work experience. All the property acquired through marriage was sold off, mortgaged, & all savings bonds and college funds for kids were cashed in. She had no assets ,savings, or credit. She had no foundation upon which to build so she began to look inward. Focusing her energy upon helping others has been her guiding light. She has over 14 yrs volunteering experience and currently works for 9 non profits while searching for employment. She donates her time to helping others and that extends to helping victims of domestic violence and abuse in promoting inner healing, wellness, and recovery in an effort to recover and rebuild in life after narcissism. Much of her work can be located on Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, and LinkedIn. She has told her personal story to anyone who will listen including local FBI office, local tv shows, journalist, news reporters, state senators, and even her state’s attorney general’s office. She continues to speak up on behalf of all victims of domestic violence and abuse. She has plans to write a book in hopes of helping more victims of abuse to come forward and not be afraid to tell their stories of survival in hopes that the broken legal system can be changed.
For further information :
The Lost Self Life After Narcissism (Facebook, WordPress, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Power and Control Phases of Narcissistic Relationships

In order to understand the idealization, devalue, and discard phase of the relationship one must understand how narcissist energy is acquired and maintained throughout a relationship.

When one enters into a mutual relationship it’s based on two healthy adult individuals who have one common goal in mind to be together, through unconditional love, mutual understanding, commitment, honor, respect, loyalty and trust. However for a narcissist a relationship involves a source of supply which is seen as an exciting new “investment”.

Normal relationships often provide a new sense of excitement, being with someone can enhance one’s emotions and sense of self normally.

For a narcissist this is taken to the extreme, as they know they need their own needs met, they must sustain their sense of grandiose imagery, and they must satisfy their grand egos. The most important of these emotional needs is to be the subject of attention in order to support self esteem and self worth. This creates an interesting dialogue between the false sense of self and the true sense of self. The ego is working overtime between being nothing and being something.

Therefore, the quality and reliability of the supply or target becomes paramount, because this makes up the identity and provides a pivotal point upon which the narcissist feeds off of their own self to create a new illusion, a mirror image, while projecting what they think others wish them to be.

How a narcissist represents themselves to the public is different than how they view themselves from within and behind closed doors. They feel destroyed, they feel worthless, they are constantly struggling with this internal struggle of sense of false self vs reality. Therefore, the supply provides them an outlet to feel worthy, to feel valued, and to be able to attempt to sustain these emotions that constantly play over and over in their minds.

The supply or target is there to nurture their every need, to provide whenever needed, and to be a source for which he or she can once again feel important, powerful, and in control. A narc needs supply like a human needs food for mere survival. The narcissist has to value this supply because it’s truly all he has, it’s the lifeline for his existence, for his ability to move forward from one relationship to the other. The narc must convince themselves that their supply is omnipotent, beautiful, worthy, and perfect in every way in order to continue in life.

According to Dr. Sam Vaknin ~ Narcissistic Allocation- The mechanism behind the cycles of over -valuation and devaluation in the narcissist’s life:

The narcissist has to idealise his Supply Sources in order to highly value the supply that he derives from them. This leads to over-valuation. The narcissist forms a fantastic picture of his sources of Narcissistic Supply.

The fall is inevitable. Disillusionment and disappointment set in. The slightest criticism, disagreement, or differences of opinion are interpreted by the narcissist as an all out assault against the foundations of his existence. The previous appraisal is sharply reversed: the same people are judged stupid who were previously deemed to possess genius, for instance.

This is the devaluation part of the cycle and it is very painful to both the narcissist and the devalued (for very different reasons, of course). The narcissist mourns the loss of a promising “investment opportunity” (Source of Narcissistic Supply). The “investment opportunity” mourns the loss of the narcissist. Sometimes, the narcissist idealizes a new source of supply or a source of superior, hi-grade supply by comparing it unfavourably to another source (“comparative devaluation” of an “idealization-devaluation couplet. Courtesy of Dr. Sam Vaknin ~ Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisisted

So then the obvious question why such extremes exist, why can’t the narcissist use a different coping mechanism?

Just imagine being a human being void of approval, attention, self worth, self esteem, and having to seek everything you need to survive from an external environment and other sources to fulfill your every needs , desires, and wants for self sustainability.

For a narcissist so much energy and time is spent securing a supply , and acquiring their needs be met, that the energy needed to sustain this is overwhelming. Therefore, they must make good use of their time and energy by maximizing every opportunity or benefit that they can exude and or take away from the supply. It’s quite unbelievably a case of supply and demand, the more the supply gives out the more the narcissists takes to fulfill their own selfish needs and what they lack from within is replaced by what is taken from others who are not knowledgeable that this is even occurring to them. This is why you often hear victims say they feel lost, they don’t recognize who they are, because they truly gave of themselves to the relationship to please the narcissists not knowing about the void that exist. A narcissists is a bottomless pit, a black hole, void of any and all emotions.

Most normal couples enter relationships not for what can be taken from it, but what is freely given. Not for what can be used but what can be provided. Who can ever imagine getting involved with someone only for the benefits or gains of the ONE~ The NARC. Keep in mind the new supply need not be human as even inanimate objects, groups, loyal harems, followers can provide supply for a narcissist. Groups that might include church groups, political affiliations, governmental organizations, etc..

Yet, sadly when you enter a relationship with a narcissist this is what you in fact entering into, a relationship with just one~ in essence you are in a relationship with yourself. You will give, you will lose your own sense of self, you will be degraded and broken down to a lesser form than when you started because in order for a narcissist to get this supply they need to make you feel pity , sympathy, and sadness for them. They prey upon supplies who exhibit these traits of compassion, love, empathy, kindness. They use this to their advantage only to then discard them later on.

As the relationship progresses the narcissist will evaluate the potential content, quality, and source of supply. They want to get the most benefit, the most cost vs reward, and the most for their money. Surely after examining the relationship if the narc deems the target worthy to continue than the over evaluation begins which is known as infatuation. Shortly thereafter, the love bombing , smothering of gifts, and attention seeking signs will be exhibited. To the target they will feel like being on cloud nine having attention coming from everywhere around them. Feeling that things couldn’t get better, they begin to lower the boundaries, become more comfortable , and look forward to hope for more to come. Yet it’s in this hope for more, that the narc knows they have the supply where they want them. The empty promises soon come out, the mask eventually falls, the real narc is now revealed. Perhaps it’s subtle, perhaps small disagreements that are dismissed as simply having bad days, perhaps it’s small petty issues that arise or perhaps a dose of narc rage was exhibited unexpectedly.

The process of courting has begun, the charmer, the don juan, the chameleon, the pro con , then is introduced. Narcissists are smooth talkers, believable, and appear very successful full of worth and value to others from the outside world.

Dr. Sam Vaknin notes: During this phase of narcissistic courting or narcissistic pursuit, the narcissist is full of vitality, of dreams and hopes and plans and vision. And his energy is not dissipated: he resembles a laser beam. He attempts (and in many cases, succeeds to achieve) the impossible. If he targeted a publishing house, or a magazine, as his future Source of Supply (by publishing his work) – he produces incredible amounts of material in a short period of time.

If it is a potential mate, he floods her with attention, gifts and inventive gestures. If it is a group of people that he wishes to impress, he identifies with their goals and beliefs to the point of ridicule and discomfort. The narcissist has the frightening capacity to turn himself into a weapon: focused, powerful, and lethal.

He lavishes all his energies, capabilities, talents, charms and emotions on the newly selected Source of Supply. This has a great effect on the intended source and on the narcissist. This also serves to maximise the narcissist’s returns in the short run.

Once the Source of Supply is captured, preyed upon and depleted, the reverse process (of devaluation) sets in. The narcissist instantaneously (and startlingly abruptly) loses all interest in his former (and now useless or judged to be so) Source of Narcissistic Supply. He dumps and discards it.

He becomes bored, lazy, slow, devoid of energy, absolutely uninterested. He conserves his energies in preparation for the attack on, and the siege of, the next selected Source of Supply. These tectonic shifts are hard to contemplate, still harder to believe.

The narcissist has no genuine interests, loves, or hobbies. He likes that which yields the most Narcissistic Supply. A narcissist can be a gifted artist for as long as his art rewards him with fame and adulation. Once public interest wanes, or once criticism mounts, the narcissist, in a typical act of cognitive dissonance, immediately ceases to create, loses interest in art, and does not miss his old vocation for a second. He is likely to turn around and criticize his erstwhile career even as he pursues another, totally unrelated one.

The narcissist has no genuine emotions. He can be madly in “love” with a woman (Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source) because she is famous, or wealthy, or a native and can help him obtain legal residence through marriage, or because she comes from the right family, or because she is unique in a manner positively reflecting on the narcissist’s perceived uniqueness, or because she had witnessed past successes of the narcissist, or merely because she admires him.

Yet, this “love” dissipates immediately when her usefulness runs its course or when a better “qualified” Source of Supply presents herself.

The narcissists is inhumane, lonely, and lacks a true sense of self. Regardless of gender narcissists devalue and discard leaving victims far behind, as they didn’t see it coming, had no idea they were involved with a personality disordered person, and have no idea the years of recovery it will take to proceed forward after a relationship with a narcissist.

The narcissist however, since he or she was not truly invested fully in the relationship simply moves on without remorse, regret, guilt, or feelings of any type. They simply walk away and say “good luck to you”. Whether kids are involved or not it doesn’t matter, as kids become simply extensions of themselves that can be groomed for equal attention and benefits to the narcissistic parent. Narcissists are like the famous movie line …Gone with the wind.

It’s the victims who must then pick up the pieces and try to repair the damage that has been done. Often times the victims have been subjected to extensive trauma, abuse, and mental mind games so severe that they require therapy and years of counseling to overcome.

Some common types of victim trauma can be: Stockholm syndrome, Battered men or women’s syndrome, Cognitive Dissonance and Disassociation, PTSD ( Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as well as many stress related illnesses.

For narcissists it’s all about power and control. Malignant narcissists are the most dangerous as they are predators who hunt their prey. They are able to violate the rights of others because they are incapable of feeling empathy. Viewing others as mere objects , as puppets, while they are masters of their own mind games is sickening yet it’s the only way they know to exist. They will cross the line into physical and sexual violence when they know they can get away with it, and feel that they are always above the law. Rules don’t apply to them is there motto.

There is no real success in treating people with NPD. Those who commit the most heinous offenses are repeat offenders.

According to Pamela Kubarsh ~ Malignant Narcissist :

As a law enforcement officer you will deal with more than your share of people with NPD. From the know-it-all, ” I don’t take paper” beat partner; to the command climber who will steal your ideas while belittling you on your evaluation. From the dv suspect who claims she deserved it to the traffic stop with the guy telling you to catch a real criminal; to the male shooter holding hostages after a dispute with his employer. Recognizing malignant narcissistic traits will help allow you to prepare yourself accordingly. Malignant narcissists should be considered as potentially dangerous.

What you can do is to help yourself by walking away from these toxic individuals and personality disordered people. The courts, the legal system, and professionals in the system still have not fully addressed NPD disordered individuals for the damage they are capable of causing or have caused upon their victims. The trail of destruction is real, the victims are real, the years of recovery and healing is real. Education is key to making others more aware of this disorder. I hope in time, the legal system can catch up to these predators before it’s too late. For many victims they have already lost their lives to these monsters, and I’m here as living proof they do exists, they are dangerous, and much more needs to be done for their victims who continue to suffer at the hands of their abusers.

Never stay silent, keep telling your story, and never ever give up. Smear campaigns are common to keep victims silent. Heal from within, use professional services if need be, but put yourself first. Keep moving forward on your journey in life after narcissism.

About the Author:

Donna Hines is the Founder of the Lost Self Life After Narcissism. After graduating with her MPA (Public Administration/Criminal Justice) she married a Malignant Narcissist who was abusive in every form including physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, and financially. She divorced after an 11 yr marriage and 13 yr relationship with 3 minor children one medically disabled. She struggled through the legal system for 4 yrs to obtain her divorce. After hiring 3 attorneys and living off credit cards for over a year to survive she filed bankruptcy. She was left with very little having to pick up the broken pieces and rebuild. She found herself unemployed and homeless. She was a homemaker for 13 yrs w/o any prior work experience. All the property acquired through marriage was sold off, mortgaged, & all savings bonds and college funds for kids were cashed in. She had no assets ,savings, or credit. She had no foundation upon which to build so she began to look inward. Focusing her energy upon helping others has been her guiding light. She has over 14 yrs volunteering experience and currently works for 9 non profits while searching for employment. She donates her time to helping others and that extends to helping victims of domestic violence and abuse in promoting inner healing, wellness, and recovery in an effort to recover and rebuild in life after narcissism. Much of her work can be located on Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, and LinkedIn. She has told her personal story to anyone who will listen including local FBI office, local tv shows, journalist, news reporters, state senators, and even her state’s attorney general’s office. She continues to speak up on behalf of all victims of domestic violence and abuse. She has plans to write a book in hopes of helping more victims of abuse to come forward and not be afraid to tell their stories of survival in hopes that the broken legal system can be changed.
For further information :
The Lost Self Life After Narcissism (Facebook, WordPress, LinkedIn, and Twitter)

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

“You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
For Narcissist they don’t give anything of themselves. For most they think of giving not in what they can provide but what they can give from their heart and soul. It has meaning, it has purpose, it stands for something more important long after they are gone.
Narcissists don’t view their own children as their legacy. Rather they view their family members, spouses , siblings, or partners as extensions. These individuals have a purpose and are simply used to provide a benefit for the narcissist. They may be co-dependents or enablers who believe they are helping the narcissist when in reality they are providing a supply and a source to further the hidden agenda of the narcissist.
Narcissists are incapable of love in the sense of normal love. They internalize and suppress emotions. They may be introverts who like to keep to themselves and loners by trade. They may have had a troubled childhood and may never have been shown what true love entails. For some narcissist they use their wealth, power, control to pretend to show love by simply being present even though they are emotionally distant and detached. They may make grand purchases trying to seek attention by buying love from others through expensive gifts to win them over.
Narcissist are terrible providers and protectors. They do not know how to be there for anyone other than themselves. This sense of selfishness and grandiose ego mentality is very disheartening.
From an early age many of us may have been taught to treat others how we would like to be treated. However, narcissist don’t care about others feelings, they can’t relate to them, and they would rather go it alone than have to be alert and attentive. They view relationships as a means to an end, they simply aren’t interested in being involved in the same sense others are and they don’t wish to share their lives fully with anyone.
“There is no give and take , no till death do we part, no in sickness and in health. What does exists with a narcissist is only give me what you can till your exhausted, let me take as much as I need, do as I say, and don’t voice your opinion or question my motives and we will be just fine.”
Narcissists will make excuses to get out of responsibilities and commitments. They will always appear busy, will never have time, will make others wait for them and cater to them, and will put their Primary Sources on the back burner to be used as needed when appropriate.
For most people the thought of living any other way than with dignity, respect, class, and selflessness is important. The thought of the way in which we conduct ourselves with compassion, love , understanding and faith is important. We want to live a fulfilled life with importance in knowing we made a difference and have given back to our community or helped others in anyway possible including helping our own and those who matter most to us. However, for narcissist the thought of leaving anything behind for anyone else is not an option. They discard and devalue at the moment you learn the truth about them. Whatever they accumulate in life belongs solely to them and sharing is not part of the equation because the equation involves only one.
They do not give of themselves, they will only take!
With love
xoxo #lifeafternarcissism #nevergiveup #recovery

Life After Narcissism~ Why is having gratitude important?

It’s hard to leave a narcissist but when you do you will understand as the time passes why having gratitude and a positive attitude is so important. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and in life you have to take the

good with the bad. 

I’ve had friends go through bitter divorce battles and become more angered, isolated, and withdrawn internalizing every unhealthy emotion, which is detrimental to the children of divorced couples. Some of what I learned can be summed up, ” don’t sweat the small stuff, life is too short.”
It’s quite easy to stay in the victim mode and not wish to progress to survivor and thriver. However, it’s important to never blame yourself. You can only be responsible for your own actions in life.

All of us may have been given a bad hand, but it’s how we deal with the hand we are dealt that determines the outcome.
Similar to Tina Swithin in her post, “Gratitude to the Narcissist” and many of our readers, my divorce was never ending lasting 4 years. Moving forward in divorce from my narcissist involved custody, support, visitation, and protection orders. I had hired 2 ineffective attorneys and one attorney to handle bankruptcy due to being forced to live on credit cards awaiting support. Ironically, time has a way of showing you what is and isn’t important and the legal system shows you just how slow the wheels of justice can revolve.

I learned through the legal system that time can work for you or against you especially when seeking closure and healing. We live in a world of instant gratification and yet the wheels of justice never turn fast enough when trying to leave a narcissistic relationship. You can’t control and oversee every aspect and sometimes the not knowing and not being able to predict the outcome while leaving it in the hands of others serves a wider purpose. If you have to go to court you may have to sit across from or in front of your narc but know this is only for the court hearings and proceedings, and hopefully it won’t last to long. Nothing last forever.
In court, the most important thing to know is that you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to know all the answers but you do have to believe in one person “YOURSELF”.
The system often will fail, the justice may never be received, you’ll never get that apology or remorse from the narc but in the end it isn’t about the material possessions, assets or wealth it’s much bigger. So often victims are re-victimized by the system because the legal system is insensitive and not knowledgeable of narcissism and the effects upon the victims. Many books have been written about body language to help judges determine truth and often times body language of victims fails to take into account other factors that can alter the readings and cues like years of abuse, stress, ptsd, nerves, fear, terror, threats, emotional blackmail, intimidation and or violence which can alter the outcome.

So how do you get over the narcissist?

I can say emphatically this, “love yourself” and utilize internal healing and or professional assistance if you feel it’s necessary. Know your worth and the fact that you were targeted by the narcissist for those same qualities that can never be taken from you. Believe in you when nobody else will. Surround yourself with positive energy and support. Understand that there will be toxic people, loyal followers, harems and groupies that may try to belittle , chastise, and berate you on behalf of the narcissists but they are already beneath you which is why they chose to go this route.
Never believe toxic people and know that their agenda is not your own. Your worth is not based on what others think about you, your worth is based on what you think of yourself.
Never lower your standards and always maintain strong boundaries. Keep no contact enforced and never waiver. Stand firm in both your beliefs, values, goals, and dreams. Do what makes you happy and don’t let the narc negativity affect your positivity.
We all know that leaving a narcissist is not easy, but it isn’t impossible. A brighter future awaits. A future in which power, control, negativity is not the norm. A future in which you can be your true authentic self.

Gratitude is the key and knowledge is power. Be grateful for every day brings new blessings.
I’ll never forget volunteering for a homeless women’s shelter and hearing stories of survival from these beautiful and empowering women. It literally lifted my soul to know that while they had nothing they still were grateful simply to be alive. It was during this time that I was left homeless, w/o income, while having to accept free handouts while on government assistance. I recall how I felt that life couldn’t get any lower only to learn that I was truly blessed.
I walked away knowing that though I didn’t have much I had a supportive group of friends and family that loved me and sometimes that is all we need during trying times.

What are you grateful for in life after narcissism?

One of the things I told my narcissist was that it never was about the money, the assets, the material possessions. My personal story revolved around my living legacy my 3 blessings and my greatest gifts. My heart and soul belong with my children and they are the reason for my existence.
Dealing with your emotions as they arise is so important on the journey. Recognize emotions as they come to be, and deal with them to your benefit suiting your own personal needs.
I’m grateful in that I’m stronger and wiser because of my experiences and I have a greater sense of awareness, compassion, and empathy than ever before.
Helping others both in volunteering and through writing is something I’d never thought would happen but I knew that telling my story and having others share their own would be beneficial for anyone dealing with the same. Victims need to have a voice and they need their voices heard. Never be afraid to tell your story. Your story is so important to all of us.
You hold the power and you determine how your story will end. Rewrite a new chapter and keep the focus on recovery in life after narcissism.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month ~ My Story~

Do you remember the day you left and never looked back?
For me, this time occurred when I left with my 3 kids after he became physically abusive throwing me up against a plaster wall for asking a question. This wasn’t the first time but it was the last. The protection order was granted and support was ordered (though he refused to pay, ended up being arrested for violating the order, and a warrant was then issued with wages garnished). For victims it’s the hardest, the most critical and the dangerous , most vulnerable, and scariest time of their lives when leaving an abusive relationship. It’s also the most empowering, liberating, and the most considerate and thoughtful gift you can give to yourself because you are putting yourself first and your family as was my case.
I spent many sleepless nights and often 2nd guessed , asking why, and doubting my abilities in leaving but the alternative of staying and not seeing tomorrow far outweighed the fear of failure. I had given up my career for my family, and had nothing to fall back upon. So often victims are asked why did you stay? In my case and I’m sure in everyone’s we have similar stories. I was beyond afraid, he threatened me that nobody would believe me or my stories against him especially because he worked a block away from the White House, he had connections in government and local government, and he worked alongside these same people including the local police department and enforcement officers. Fear, retaliation, threats , emotional blackmail, enablers, loyal harem (groupies) and followers all supported him. The brainwashing of how awful I was, how incapable I was of supporting myself, and how I couldn’t amount to anything without him had taken its toll. I was exhausted in every form from 13 yrs of abuse, egg shells, doubts, fears, and living a life like a prisoner with ptsd and Stockholm . I had gained weight, sleep apnea, had eye twitches and stress related issues, had night sweats, was always sick, developed lockjaw, grinding teeth, losing hair, facial breakouts, inability to trust or even look someone in the eye and of course after learning of the multiple affairs and hidden adoptions had to be tested for std’s. My narcissists tried to convince me it was all my fault and that all his problems in life were a direct result of me being present. Every aspect of his life was my fault if it didn’t work out however, he graciously took credit for all my work that was achieved. I was drained of everything in all regard and was so desperate for attention, affection, love, and mutual understanding. I lived like a prisoner in my home and felt stuck in my situation.
To simply have a voice and a voice that could be validated was something I will never forget. To stand up and speak and tell my story and to know that with every breath I spoke those words might help others also relate in knowing they too were not alone, they too could tell their story, and they too are worthy of being validated was the only way I knew to give back . I had held tightly to the belief that someday I would find a way to support others in this same situation and give them an outlet in which they can express themselves freely and openly and no longer live in silence. To be able to give warning signs that even I with a Masters in Criminal Justice missed was a blessing. Victims should never blame themselves but should become knowledgeable about narcissism and the accompanying disorders and treatments that are interconnected. Professional help is available for anyone who needs it.
One of the biggest things that narcissists try to do is in convincing you that you are crazy which is quite laughable. I promise you not only are you not crazy but you are so much better than the narc and it’s because of your unique makeup and your high standards, and unique traits such as the ability to be empathetic, nurturing, and loving that the narc targeted you. For me, my ability to raise a family alone while he resided 5 states away with only weekend visits in which he walked in and out like a revolving door showed how much I was capable of doing. My ability to not only raise our family but acquire a MPA degree with high honors while he did everything in his power to make me barefoot and pregnant in his part to become dependent only added to my strength. My wish to put others needs before my own in volunteering for over 14 yrs made me his perfect target of choice. His wish to degrade , humiliate, chastise, berate from 5 states away with such precision and power showed me that his energy was solely upon bringing others down through negativity, constant criticisms, complaints, and moodiness was not how I was raised to lift others up and give a loving stable home. Keep in mind narcissists can be anyone, anywhere, of any age, race, color, or creed from any demographic and nationality.
You see you hold the power, you have the ability to say this is not how your story is going to be written, you hold the pen to rewrite your story anyway you choose. For me it was finding that strength within to do what was needed to change my situation. I walked away, but not without having to file bankruptcy after living a year off of credit cards to raise a family. I was left homeless, w/o income or employment, w/o assets or savings, w/o credit, with no plan B other than to keep moving forward in small steps with 3 minor kids. We lost everything we accumulated in the marriage, yet I was the happiest I ever have been. I would’ve rather lived in all honesty in a cardboard box, than deal with the abuse and torment any longer and I chose to live!
You see it’s not the material possessions, it’s not the education or the career, or the house. It never was about any material possessions, assets or wealth. For me it was about my living legacy (my kids) for which I stayed and for which I left and began to rebuild from nothing. I was angry yes, but I was also blessed to be given a 2nd chance to life. So many victims aren’t given that chance and their voices are now permanently silenced by their abuser. While leaving is a very hard time and the most dangerous time ( so please proceed with caution and have a safety plan in place by alerting the proper authorities), you need to know it’s the most important thing you can do for yourself and your inner health and well-being. You matter, your life matters, and you are important. You can overcome narcissism. You can uncover your true authentic self in life after narcissism. You can live a happy, healthy, more fulfilling life, by focusing on yourself and your needs. Make yourself a priority, stay safe, have a great support system, tell someone you trust, make your voice heard. Never give up, never stay silent, never allow someone else to take away your power. #innerhealing #health #happiness
See More

Toxic Relationships

The most difficult yet most important decision ever made for both myself and my children was to face my fears, guilt, shame of failed relationship, acknowledge the truth, and walk away from what no longer served us. I knew in my heart things weren’t right and was told by my own family and friends that something just didn’t seem right .
Victims in abusive or toxic relationships stay for a variety of reasons from fear of the unknown, fear of being single , possibly unemployed parent, lack of financial resources and housing, to lack of support and certainly lack of confidence & self worth. Due to years of abuse the brainwashing and mind games take a toll and the victims feels exhausted in every form. Many wonder if anyone would believe them if they did tell their story especially with a narcissist who’s actions are truly unbelievable.
For some they fear what might happen once they do leave.
My abusive narcissist was arrested and a protection order was administered and served and that helped to resolve the situation and ease some of this tension, nevertheless the fear was real. The most important thing for anyone who may find themselves feeling overwhelmed and or stuck by settling for less is to know you are not to blame, you are not alone, help is available, and to understand the alternative of staying is much worse than the consequences of leaving. Sometimes having that reassurance and validation in helping someone get professional help in getting out is all they need. I had friends literally who had their voices permanently silenced because of domestic violence and abuse and it always was in the back of my mind and I know families that have children that grew up believing this type of behavior was the norm. Abuse is never ok regardless of gender and the cycle can be stopped before it becomes a generational problem.
You can make the change and you can take back your power. You have the ability to decide what you will or will not accept and the choice ultimately lies with you.
First and foremost it’s of upmost importance that when leaving an abusive relationship you take every precaution necessary for your own safety and well being and for those closely connected to you including your loved ones. Secondly upon leaving it’s the most critical and dangerous time so make sure you let others close to you know of your plans and contact the proper authorities, get professional help, or find help within the legal system in your area. Resources are available to help you in all areas including governmental assistance, housing, transportation, education funding, food, clothing, etc. Make sure you connect with those that can better serve your needs and provide the support with people who have your best interest in mind and who will help you progress safely through the process of leaving the abusive situation.
So often in these types of relationships the victim feels alone. The narcissist will try to take away their personal connections causing them to feel this way. They want the victim to feel as though they are dependent upon the narcissist and for that reason many find it difficult to leave. In my own situation I recall my narcissist making me feel as though I couldn’t manage my life w/o him. That I was incapable of even the most basic task and that I needed permission to complete certain tasks or errands ironically I graduated with high honors and a Masters degree . Narcissists will make the basic household chores seem like true accomplishments that only he or she could achieve because they believe they are highly intelligent and far superior than everyone else. Don’t fall for this façade because you are perfectly capable and in fact can probably do the work better than the narcissist. Narcissists have this ability to make things appear bigger than they truly are and once you leave you will learn what they magnified was absolutely nothing for you to master.
A healthy relationship involves free will, building one another up not tearing each other down, it involves support and unconditional love and attention. It’s not one sided, it’s not based on fear tactics or brain washing, it’s real and true to the heart. It involves emotions and soulful feelings and sharing your experiences . It cannot be mirrored or projected it must be felt from within and displayed openly and freely between two people. Love never hurts and is never shameful or embarrassing. How often I avoided being seen in public because of my narcissist actions. How often we must walk on eggshells to please our partners? Think how everything appeared to be one sided w/o discussion or conversation and always blaming just one.
It takes two loving, understanding,& committed adults who accept responsibility for their own actions and behaviors to have a relationship.
In the beginning of the initial honeymoon phase the narc will bombard you with flattery, with the love letters, txt, and will smother you with affection. This is all a façade to win you over and make you believe in the fantasy that you are “The ONE” . I’m not a professional but I can tell you from personal experience even after being discarded and devalued with a new supply in place my narc was still sending emails begging me to come back and telling me their was still a lot of love and that I was the ONE. Narcissist love to proclaim their feelings but they are not heartfelt or real. They are mirrored and projected and you don’t have to go far to learn the trail of destruction is vast and real and cannot be denied. Once you learn the truth the narcissist will try everything to keep you confined and under their control and power while living in the fog which is nothing more than a black hole and bottomless pit. Narcissist need constant supplies and constant admiration, praise, and will do whatever it takes to keep you as well as every other previous partners . Spouses, children, and close connections are viewed as mere extensions for the narcissists. The time spent with a narcissist even if long term means nothing to them. They view relationships as benefits for themselves and for those who married the certificate is nothing more than a piece of paper. They simply use targets, supplies and victims for their own selfish gains.
As time goes on you may notice you seem to be ignoring your own needs for the benefit of your relationship. This is termed co-dependency and it’s very damaging. Never lose yourself and your self worth and pride for another human being. With narcissism everything must be for his/her best interest but the feelings are never mutual. They expect you to be there for their every need and when things are going good they will be there to take the credit but the minute you are having problems or need assistance they magically disappear and find fault in your behavior or actions towards them. Victims will often try to alter their own behavior and do things they ordinarily wouldn’t do simply to try to keep the peace and keep the narcissist happy. The problem with always working to exhaustion to please another is that it’s never noticed, appreciated , or reciprocated by a narcissist and the more you do the more they will take. Narcissist are incapable of loving another person in the true sense of the world love and in time this breeds terrible resentment, anger, and hurt for the victim who gave so much of themselves to someone who cares so little in return for them. Healthy relationships take responsibility and are based on communication, trust, and understanding with shared decisions in order to accommodate both parties involved. Relationships are never perfect and trying to please someone to the point of having the perfect life for them is not healthy.
In a loving relationship you will never have to feel a constant need to explain yourself or defend your every actions . You should never feel a need to try to win someone’s love or attention. It’s freely given and freely received. It’s not healthy to have someone constantly bringing you down in order for them to lift themselves up. Narcissists will never applaud you , they will never praise you for accomplishments, they are not supportive in fact they despise anyone better than them. They feel they are god like and expect others to believe in their special talents. Narcissists try to portray themselves as well groomed, well liked, high members of society and nothing could be further from the truth. They are honestly pro cons, chameleons, don juans,, or princesses that have enlarged grandiose egos of superiority. They are very convincing and are able to use the victim card to elate sympathy and empathy. People unaware of narcissism will feel pity for them and naturally want to help them. Often narcissists will tell everyone their past failed relationships weren’t their fault. It’s the crazy ex husbands, wives, jilted lovers fault. They will never take blame or criticism lightly and will deflect the problems placing blame elsewhere. Their is no relationship with a narc as it’s built not on a solid foundation of love , trust, or mutual respect but anger, confusion, lies, infidelity, brainwashing , mistrust, and deceit. With a narc your voice is never heard, your complaints, your needs, your wants, your criticism, your very essence is ignored.
Narcissist know how to keep victims locked in by using emotional blackmail, threats, intimidation, fear, brainwashing, and unfortunately the victim feels less empowered to leave. Victims often second guess themselves, making excuses for the narcs behavior, blaming themselves for the narcs actions. This is not healthy.
Healthy relationships involve giving and taking. Giving and receiving. It’s not a matter of right and wrong. True relationships take time to build and take work to maintain. If you feel you are in a relationship with a child , feeling like you have to change your ways to accommodate and please another, have lost yourself, or are fearful to leave than you are in an abusive and toxic relationship.
One such author (Marc Chernoff) in discussing toxic relationships entitled, “10 Toxic Relationships Mentally Strong People Avoid” noted it best: “Nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention – your full presence. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment. It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to another human being.”

Value Human Interaction ~ The Official Break up Letter to My Narcissist

Here is my email to my narc upon ending our 11 yr marriage with a 13 yr relationship. I located this after searching through our emails to help others on my page The Lost Self Life After Narcissism on Facebook. Here is what my original email stated as I hope this helps others to understand that living with a narcissist is a lonely existence and that narcissist never change they may only alter their behavior but the end result is years of abuse of every form and a lost self full of a trail of lies and destruction.

I am providing this as a learning tool for others and to show the relationship between victims and narcissists. This is meant to educate and help others to heal and overcome narcissism.

2/6/11 : What amazes me the most is the attention to others, the calls to others, the willingness to work with them and become involved with them (girlfriends) all while telling me your not warm and fuzzy, not a family man, never will be, yet how did these relationships seem to flourish for so long without my knowledge and the pics I have located with each and everyone of them, think of how as your wife I must have felt seeing them, your arm and arm, holding a love child you gave up for adoption after we married, when I gave up so much to bear your child/children? I almost died, I bled to death, I had a placenta abruption and was told I would be fine, and I wasn’t fine. I was dying, it was my mom, who begged and pleaded that I be provided a blood transfusion saving my life, the very same woman who saved our son from aspirating if she had fed him the days she was authorized to do such by superiors it would have went into his lung , his esophagus wasn’t formed and was later fused together. In fact she quit her job and didn’t  receive a pension because they refused to give her time off to see our son in the nicu and to help me daily with his care, and I never told you because you never showed a care for her or I …but you asked why she never got a pension and this is why…so now you know.

I further will state you say I’m bitter, how would you feel if you spent ten years of your life being alone, raising kids alone, having a husband who showed not a slightest bit of interest in you whatsoever but yet worked and felt money was far more superior than his presence, his love, his commitment to our marriage? Shouldn’t you have put forth some effort into us? When have we gone out together, kissed, hugged, held hands, shared intimate moments, any of the normal things couples do ? I honestly can say after we married and we went to Florida and you stated you only married to have kids due to me having big hips, and then later told me how I’m a kept woman a business partner this to you is something you say to a spouse? Or better how often you left me in hotel alone with child only to be told, I’ll be right back and weren’t for hours later, especially the night in cayman on an island the size of a prune? Or imagine being told you went running on of all days our honeymoon, when most couples would be sharing intimate moments you went running, only to have me find you hours later lounging at a pool, and you then asked why I was upset on our honeymoon? Or better being constantly left alone in hotels with kids, while you ran out to bookstores, shopping, for bagels, coffee, this is your idea of fun for family?

How about finding out about questionable websites, dating sites and online questionable material ten years later? Not to mention the abuse in all forms, physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, and you have yourself one heck of a marriage…and while I had to use self defense you try to claim abuse? Or when upon asking for five dollars to take kids for a simple ice cream when you know you made 133,000 you stated time and time again no money, yet ran out to buy tools at lowe’s/pay workers 13-20 per hour to run with you and then went food shopping for self?

I would never take you back because for you it’s all about being the “winner” , keeping your “assets”, retaining your “money”, being in “control” of it all for me it’s about something much deeper than all that. Its about love, commitment, honor, respect, truth, family, priorities, accountabilities, responsibilities, sharing, RESPECT, and to me I don’t think this is something you will understand because your simply on a one track mind of thinking and it appears difficult for you to not only hear me, but talk to me, listen to me, take my ideas into account, or even respect me enough to not hang up, curse me out, or call me vulgar names or for that matter sit down and discuss it and not walk in circles room to room.

You have always stated how I never worked with you. I gave up my life for you, my career for you, I worked to the point I now have 3 degenerative disks, ganglion cysts from repetitive movement on wrists and of course pre-cancerous lesions. I have always been there for you, running to hospitals, calling on phones, only to be constantly pushed aside, not now, too busy, maybe later, can’t make long distance…do you not recall when pregnant I continued to do my masters, to make sure I wasn’t left barefoot/pregnant..yet when I needed you, you abandoned me to the point I had to call an ambulance to be brought in from my own driveway after you left me outside in our car, from having side effects from surgery/anesthesia being too strong, and your response was to wait here till your mom comes to get you as you’re going running.

Please think of how this feels to someone who at one point truly cared, deeply loved, and honestly would’ve done anything for her husband and her family. Think of the devastation upon first hearing of a divorce two years upon being newly married only to have it repeat the pattern year after year. Think about doing all the above alone, and to be crucified for every cent spent and accounted for every cent on registers, who does this to someone they supposedly love? Think about someone telling you to pull your car over and call your spouse to request use of there very own credit card? Seem normal? Or better being told you don’t participate yet when you request your told you don’t know how, you never dealt with rentals, you have no knowledge of quicken, nor would you involve me in any financial decision yet somehow I should be knowledgeable of every bill ,the amount, and be aware of what is do and when without being prevy to this information. Exclusion was common in many forms in our relationship especially with finances, bills, taxes, and of course outside events/relationships/work.

Think of how it feels to get dressed up in sexy lingerie (going outside of my comfort zone) , or better no clothes, send cookies, and sexy emails only to be ignored upon arrival home? Think of what it might feel like to have this done relentlessly for ten years… I have never bought new outfits, or anything for self in ten years. I have only purchased thrift store. I walked whenever possible to save , used coupons to make purchases, never shopped retail, and this to you is splurging for the family? When I told others I recycled cans to buy happy meals and then found out the amount of money you made I was floored. I picked out of garbage cans to make ends meet, walked with a picker grabbing cans off streets, and would have relatives/neighbors save cans to get a dollar and you made how much? I then would recycle used thrift store clothes to make a few dollars only to be asked to give you the few dollars I made? You can’t imagine how this makes one feel. You mentioned to me white trash and I guess that’s what you felt I amounted too. You laughed at me for doing all the physical labor yet I had no idea the money you made none. I guess to you this behavior is hilarious, but my body can tell you it wasn’t. Yet you never offered once to help or offered to get someone else to help. Ironically if you had to hire someone though it was no problem.

Think of how  it must feel to be ignored knowing your attention and focus was elsewhere. But where and on whom? I might never know? I can’t understand why you married. I may never know why you used me and threw me out with nothing but the clothes on my back but I assure you I worked like I did not for a home, not for assets, not for another notch on the belt, or for self worth, recognition, or some type of status quo and not for money but for us and our family.

I just can’t fathom how I could’ve been so blind to what you have been obviously planning for so long? Not just this year, this has been going on for better part of six years. It’s like being married to a con and being fooled for so long…I thought I was doing all this for us?

I have come to realize that I couldn’t have given any more, I did my best, I gave my all. I can’t make you have feelings for me when I honestly believe non existed from the start. I honestly feel you married because your mom liked me, she wanted to see you settle down after keeping notes of all the girls you dated and types of girls, and she paid for it to happen. I believe you wanted to do what was right for our son, and felt you might have owed me this much. I don’t believe love was then or is now a factor in that decision. Regardless of the outcome I have stuck to my vows and honored what I hold deeply.

I am very hurt by your comments of I did it for the house, I removed you from our home, I took your kids for three months and or that you lost your job. The truth of the matter is your actions caused my results. Admitting it to your aunt was great, but denying this to me isn’t. I also know your divorce is based on anger and I hope you get over your anger and hatred for me.

A protection from abuse was issued because of your actions that evening and in conjunction with every aspect of abuse and for previous occurrences in which police were called and you were removed, and while I cannot fathom why you did it I can only believe you wanted out so baldly you didn’t care what you did to get out. I believe there was no other option. I had already called police on prior instances of similar fashion and had you removed. I was concerned it was escalating and concerned for my safety and for those whom I have a legal right to protect. Someday I hope you understand this and get the help you need. I also hope you understand by calling my cell and stating if you didn’t see the kids you would press legal action, and wouldn’t provide me money to live was a very hard thing to hear when you knew we depended upon you. I would’ve never have cut you off financially and left you for dead, but I guess you did what you felt you had to do and in doing such created further harm to myself and our kids financially if nothing else. I then don’t understand why you would then seek help w/o involving me when a relationship involves two people with two opinions but the letter you wrote at least made me realize I was being heard for first time in years.

Why you never ate with me, sat with me, slept with me, came to bed with me, spent time with me, called me, loved me, hugged me, kissed me, caressed me, supported me, or ever assisted me is something I will never understand. Isn’t this what a marriage is about?

How can anyone simply use someone to have children, have sex, and leave them with “how’s it feel to be used” is so sickening and hurtful that I have no words to express it.

Then to find out you are more concerned about the home, the assets, the money, the wealth, … then myself or our children’s welfare is even more disheartening.

You keep stating how “I” planned this all? However, I could’ve never planned for what you did that night, nor could I ever dreamt of the outcome. We lived off credit cards for over a year and were forced upon public assistance. Four people living on less than seven hundred a month. Two attorneys later.  Being told the house I worked so hard for will never be mine. The rentals never be mine. The workload not less  but more, the money not more but less, and to add insult I’m now told  “how’s it feel to be used” … ???

Well it feels good to raise three kids alone. To successfully have an honor roll student, superb dancer, and excellent swimmer and to have a child whom everyone said would never make it and did.  A child whom was told would need physical therapy for rest of life, speech therapy, be developmentally delayed based on preemie status to now be in school in which he’s getting A’s and B’s. I believe some credit goes to teachers/doctors  and the remainder can only be attributed to myself and those whom assisted with him. I can’t tell you the gratification I have in knowing I went into debt for them and YOU and I would do it all again if given the same circumstances. They are only young once. They are at an age they don’t want to be with parents all the time and they are breaking out into wonderful young adults. I am very proud of them all, and very proud of my accomplishments and saddened that you never experienced or shared in it. I hope someday you feel family is more a legacy then a dependent a financial obligation and a detriment as you so often stated. I hope someday you can find a sense of healing, and know that the world is not out to get you. I hope someday you realize how deeply I loved you and how much I gave up for you. How it kills me to sit here this day and even type this, realizing I meant nothing to you was nothing more than ” eye candy” .

I hope someday you understand that blaming others for your actions isn’t the answer. But owning up to responsibility , being accountable is much more noteworthy response. While I’m sure your very upset and angered at the results the outcome could’ve been much different had you simply walked away that evening or kept your hands to yourself. I also wonder if you had opened up and worked with me and shared more intimate moments as a couple how different our marriage might have been.

You had all the qualities that I ever wanted : intelligent, hard working determined, attractive, strong, yet there was never an “US”. There was no marriage other than procreation. There was no relationship between us.. and for that I’m deeply saddened. I have never felt so alone, so used, and now so upset for being so foolish as to give my all and receive lil to nothing in return.

More importantly I so wanted to simply be given love, to be shown affection, to be told how much I was appreciated and yet the harder I worked the more you walked out and the less you showed me and the more you gravitated towards others outside the relationship. I can’t imagine doing anything differently, I honestly can’t. I don’t know why you were so cold, withdrawn, disinterested, disconnected with me. I can only say I never married for nor wished to exit what you state.

I have done my best in all regards. While deeply saddened at your current state of mind I hope someday you see my point of view and realize you gave me no other choice . You would’ve done the same and unfortunately, my self worth, self respect, and dignity far surpasses any money, assets, or materialistic goods that you or any court of law could ever provide.

You entered into divorce, you filed the divorce, you will exit out with divorce. I hope you find whatever and whomever it might be that will do more, give more, and be more than apparently what I was not, nor will ever be to you, in your eyes only.

Narcissists and Families- Devalued, Discarded, and Turned Against One Another

How can anyone have children or get married knowing they have problems including mental associated with narcissism? How could someone bring children into the world knowing they are incapable of loving another human being, supporting, and providing the nurturing atmosphere necessary for growth and development? Can you imagine being told the person you just married doesn’t consider themselves to be family person and doesn’t feel any emotions towards family..

Have you ever watched the interaction or little thereof between a narcissist and their children? The most crucial of life’s precious moments are missed such as those very important milestones and accomplishments and not because they can’t be present but instead because they don’t wish to be present, making it easier to hide behind their work or their own successes. In my personal relationship my narc was never present from birth and never showed up at the hospital for our children’s births especially my first born. Narcissist will always find a reason to not go out of their comfort zone and be present. For instance my narc noted he didn’t show for his son’s birth because of Hepa laws since he tried to call but was refused by law medical information over the phone. So instead of showing up in person he ignored it all together and then blamed work scheduling. Never ignore the red flag moments such as this,” if you can’t handle it pull the plug” as my son struggled daily for life. This statement from a man I had just married and gave birth to our new born son.

Have you ever tried to have a special moment or event and have it ruined by a narcissist who cannot be happy ? Special occasions and birthdays were increasingly difficult because the children’s father would simply not show up, hide away in another room, or pretend to be busy. He appeared emotionally distant ( no hugs, no kisses, no affection)and never interested in anything that pertained to other family members. Ever try to capture that special moment on camera? Narcissists dislike being seen in public or being captured in photos. Our narcissist refused to look at the camera (much worse than a child) and would actually look away to the side so most of our family images portray an adult man who seemed very disinterested as if possessed by evil. I later learned he had given up two other children for adoption and believe his reason for the birthday photos that he was adamant I get with the kids’ actual numbers showing their age in the photo was so he could keep it all straight since he never knew the date of any of our childrens births or special dates like our wedding or anniversary or my birthday. The narc hated to part with his money and so if the family wanted vacations, or to dine out, or catch a movie it was near hell to pay upon our return as happiness was not allowed and money was to be budgeted but only for us as the narc made his own and could spend as he so choose.

Children should never be ignored and treated as less than human but you can rest assured a narcissist has no time for anyone other than themselves. Leaving our kids at the base of our steps after promising them they would be taken somewhere became commonplace. The narc would promise to take one child and when that one became ready to go would suddenly changed his mind and take another child making the original child very upset and hurt. He would never watch them accomplish any goals but would be there to watch them fall and believed this was how kids learn not to do things again. Spending quality time resulted in placing our children in front of a tv and putting a dvd in while he sat reading a book. He never attended school functions, never taught them any milestones such as walking ,talking, reading or writing. Families are the backbone of society the source of strength where morals and values are learned they are not invinsible and easily replaceable.

Parental involvement isn’t just presents but presence. Buying gifts because of not being present doesn’t qualify as being a good parent because gifts are not unconditional love and children need love, attention, and affection. Our home became cluttered with toys but unfortunately kids can live without toys it’s the presence of a loved one they need most. I once heard this statement ,” I want others to feel sorry for me and that’s why I tell my story of narcissism” . When you understand that narcissists blame victims and will start up the smear campaign before discarding this makes sense. They want others to believe they had it rough, they were abused, they had items taken from them, they tried to hang in there for the kids but reality paints a different picture of the other parent. The other parent that has narcissism will refuse support, will empty out accounts, may become violent during departure requiring protection orders, will defy authority and think they are above the law, will hide assets, will take whatever they can feeling a sense of entitlement and will not care what they leave behind as long as they have what they need for themselves.. Full time single parents who do the work daily need not be shunned or ostracized but rather should be applauded for keeping it all together and being the responsible parent. You can expect narcissist to take the work of the other parent who is doing it daily. They will be present for the good but magically disappear when things aren’t going as planned.

Victims don’t ever tell their stories for appreciation, admiration, or sympathy. Victims and survivors know from experience, because they were on the front line much like being in a war zone, and they have lived the horror and the hell. Many victims and survivors struggle for years to rebuild and make themselves feel whole again while the narcissist moves on seemingly unaffected by the circumstances that caused others so much destruction. Unfortunately my family was left homeless after we lost everything, we were left with zero income for over a year and had to garnish wages simply to receive support resulting in bankruptcy. We were left with nothing but some used thrift store items previously purchased and an 8 yr old vehicle that he tried to also take from us. We had to rebuild from scratch and I say we because the reason I left the abuse and never looked back was for us my kids and I as it was never about one but about the four of us as a family. My kids are my world and it saddens me that a father would try to jeopardize that relationship.

I tell my story in the hopes that others can relate and find hope in healing and  in moving forward to uncover their true authentic selves. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and certainly cannot make this up even with the most vivid imagination. Unless you lived it you wouldn’t understand it nor be able to talk about it. Believe victims and stop re victimizing victims.

 

~The pro con narcissist and the ponzi scheme~

Have you ever wondered how you ever fell for the pitiful sob story that the narcissist tells everyone? The one where they are the victims , they have fallen on hard times, they have so much potential if only their luck was better?

As a victim and now survivor ( 4 yrs narc free) I can recall so many empty promises, broken dreams, and financial disasters. Upon marriage I never questioned our finances as I assumed my spouse was taking care of business. He was the financial bread winner and I was the dutiful homemaker and we agreed I’d stay home to raise our family.

As time went on I noticed many discrepancies in our finances. Bills not being paid or late, bills in my name for items not ordered nor requested, missing funds, quicken accounts that were always in the negative as if no money was ever available. How could anyone use another for simply their money or the benefits and then walk away? Enter the narcissist here as they feel they are superior. The marriage was simply a piece of paper and as a wife I was considered the kept woman and business partner. So this title I was given by my narcissist had me wondering business partner? Interesting when you figure I never had been granted permission to view our finances, to see any bills, or to know what came in or went out from our residence. I was kept in the dark to all matters involving finances yet somehow I was considered a business partner so how could this be?

Fast forward 13 yrs later when our marriage dissolved and you begin to see the well orchestrated , well planned, well manipulated plan come to light. Much like the Ponzi scheme my narc would lead me to believe our future was bright , we were building what he felt was a foundation to success accompanied with empty promises and my funds. What he failed to tell me was it was all a scheme to rid me of my very last cent and then I’d be discarded and devalued after I was exhausted trying to maintain the masterpiece of housework, wife , motherly duties. When I no longer could provide after I was maxed out and physically sick and exhausted he packed up and moved on to the next supply.

Upon filing a protection order we later divorced and during this 4 yr process I was left bankrupt and homeless and relying upon public assistance to support our family. I had to file for any and all assistance including housing, public, food, heat, and medical. I felt much like the victims from a Ponzi scheme as only the person at the top becomes rich while the others who fell for the lies of wealth, power, and prestige become poor. Taking from one victim to give to the next was a full time business and their was no shortage of new supplies to fill the need. The cycle continues until eventually the pro cons are caught. The enablers and loyal harem of followers are always present to give a helping hand.

You see I believed in the dream of planning for our future together. I believed and trusted in a man who said he was my husband and silly me thought he was my protector , my partner, someone I could confide in and love. Little did I know the plan was set in place as soon as I said hello. Narcissist target their victims and search for those with low self esteem and those they feel they can win over. Never feeling loved as an only girl growing up with 3 brothers, in a rural area with very lil friends, which made me a prime target. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents nor my family and to keep me silent wasn’t that big of a deal for him. To think that when he stated he had discussed the matter with his attorney the specifics of what I’d receive had I left only confirmed my suspicions. While he executed the plan with full precision he left no one immune to his wrath. He emptied every account, sold off every asset, mortgaged every property, emptied our 3 kids college funds of over 10 thousand dollars, took our only home and tried to take our only car. We were left with nothing and had to fight the legal system garnishing wages to get support and alimony. We never received alimony and our support was very little. We received only $778.84 for a family of four after he accrued over 15 thousand in arrearages while we lived on credit cards for over a year even though we showed direct deposits and one time payments using his own bank statements showing over $26 thousand in one time payments came to him during the time his wife and three kids (one child med disabled) went homeless and without income.

Just like the Ponzi scheme I believed in the lies, the beliefs of working toward a common goal and so I provided for my family when he claimed he couldn’t to survive even though I had no employment for the past 13 yrs. The pro con narcissist will take from their victims until they have nothing more to give and then will discard and devalue and move on without hesitation to the next victim that they already have lined up in waiting. As a wife of 11 yr marriage I was considered nothing more than a business partner and a kept woman.

Ironically I didn’t know how much of a business partner I was since I never seen nor signed not one federal tax in entire marriage. I never once seen our finances nor was allowed to have information relevant to our bills or finances. My narcissists kept everything hidden much like in a Ponzi scheme and never shared information even when questioned. I can say with certainty he knew what he was doing, knew the right words to say and the right actions to accomplish the greatest amount of funds and was very good at using others his entire life. When you marry you don’t think for one second that the person you married is out to get you, is planning your demise, is planning to use and abuse and walk away but with a narc you can be sure this is exactly the plan. They leave a trail of destruction behind and have enablers and loyal harem of followers that help them carry out the Ponzi scheme to the end. Only the person at the top makes the riches. Those that enter the scheme are left to pick up the pieces, repair their battered lives, and move on feeling lost and empty. You do not need to be married to experience the scheme as they will use anyone to their benefit and often money is involved. Whether a co worker, family member, friend, mutual partner, sexual partner, or acquaintance you can be sure the narcissist is only focused on what you can provide for them and how they can go about taking without ever giving in return. Beware of the narcissist who seem to blame the world, their past, or their prior relationships for their problems because these are red flags that can never result in a happy ending.

Stop Victim Blaming

Victim blaming is becoming more and more prevalent in today’s society. As a victim of narcissism and domestic violence I recently became subjected to this blaming from friends and family and those I thought would support me in my trying and very troubling times.
Over the course of a 4 yr divorce to a malignant & sociopathic narc I thought I experienced it all. My narcissist left my three kids and I with absolutely nothing but the shirts on our backs. We were left homeless after he refused to provide support for over a year and had to live on credit cards to survive. We had to garnish his wages, file a protection order of abuse for which he violated and was arrested, and try to recoup our losses. He sold off every asset, mortgaged all property, cashed out savings & mutual bonds, and emptied out my children’s college funds of nearly $12,000 dollars. He had left us destitute, broken, and hopeless.

The system failed us, the courts found his testimony credible even though we had every document imaginable including showing his pay stubs,direct deposits, bank statements, and one time payments that totaled over $26,000 dollars while we lived without income. We provided federal taxes to show further proof and submitted over 13 documents that day to no avail. I later learned cases such as mine in which abuse is involved almost always side with the abuser.

So here I was I gave up my career to raise a family. I was left unemployed, homeless, bankrupt and stressed beyond belief. Having hired two attorneys to deal with divorce and one to deal with bankruptcy money was extremely tight. I was left to depend upon handouts and public assistance. What saddened me is that the narcissist who devalued and discarded us after a 13 yr relationship and 11 yr marriage moved on without hesitation. A new supply had taken over and was doing everything I once had done and in my own home. She subsequently learned of my narcissist page and began stalking me on my page and on linked in business account. I couldn’t get away from the daily stress of having to provide for a family with a court ordered & wage garnished amount of $1,175 month for a family of four. Filing bankruptcy was just completed last week and my expenses exceeded my income by over $1,400 yet here I was plugging away to keep the boat from sinking.

As a single mom I did what I needed to do to keep normalcy in our lives after such traumatic events with narcissism. I experienced every form of abuse from physical, mental, emotional, verbal, psychological and financial. My husband always felt as though we had no bills nor expenses as only he had bills because I didn’t work, and so he only provided basics but not enough to pay our expenses. My husband resided five states away with only weekend visits for entire marriage and so I dealt with the abuse and when things became bad I would simply leave over the weekend and return after he left.  It was a constant struggle to explain to him the cost associated with raising three kids (one med disabled) and this while I shopped at thrift stores and clipped coupons while recycling and resold our used thrift store clothes back to consignment shops once outgrown to save a dollar. Yet, nothing I did was appreciated nor did it save a doomed marriage that was doomed from the start and planned out from the beginning.

Fast forward and I’m now picking up the pieces after learning of adulterous ways of my narcissist. My narc had multiple affairs resulting in my constant concern over std’s, and while in process of divorcing I was provided legal documentation regarding a hidden adoption to a married woman while married to me. The love child from this affair was given up a day before our 2nd child was born. My narc had also given up a child to adoption prior to our marriage. This is all just the tip of the iceberg.

High conflict divorce to a narcissist is a lengthy and drawn out battle. Narcissists feel they must win at all cost often to the detriment of the victims in which they are left with nothing. I had to find temporary housing immediately after our utilities were turned off and so I turned to family and friends for support. To my surprise the people I expected to help abandoned me in my time of need. I had an aunt who through the course of the four year divorce and on an unrelated topic told me to “get over myself” .
My own brother told me that I brought it upon myself in reference to my narc marriage. However, the biggest surprise happened yesterday on of all days my birthday. My youngest brother had arrived from out of state for a family get together event this weekend, and instead of being greeted with compassion I received hostility. I was told that my aunt had stated the above because she was upset that my parents provided me with temporary housing during my troubled times. He proceeded to tell me how unappreciative I was and yes “blaming the victim” ME. I couldn’t believe I was hearing these words come out of my own family members mouths after all I’ve been through they were blaming me. They were seemingly forgetting I was destitute, I had no home, no income, no assets, no savings or checking and had been discarded like trash on the street after a 13 yr abusive relationship that ended in my ex narcs arrest for violating a protection order.
While appreciative and grateful I felt as though they were using this as a crutch against me as if somehow I’m lesser of a human being for falling on hard times, and that this unfortunate situation should be hung over my head and magnetized daily. The main reason I didn’t want my ex narcs assets and money such as alimony was for this exact reason. I don’t want anyone to feel they did me a favor, they helped me when I was down, that somehow I now owe them, or that I am now connected to them in this way, and that I’m a leech upon them, or that they are better than me because of their ability to provide to someone who has fallen upon unforeseen hard times.  Instead of being sympathetic of my situation I was treated like the black sheep, labeled, and felt like a scapegoat blaming me for making them appear bad in society’s eyes as if somehow I brought this upon myself and could foresee the end result or have done anything differently.
When my husband’s actions turned physical I left immediately with my three kids and filed a protection order and never went back. I then filed support and subsequently we divorced four years later.

When I married l didn’t go into it with the notion that my husband would be planning my demise and strategizing to rid me of everything we accumulated and spent years building up together. I had no idea he was a narcissist and didn’t even know the meaning of narcissism. Ignorant of the red flags and not knowing they would become enlarged with time was something I couldn’t foresee. I didn’t know after giving up my life to bear children in which I nearly died having a placenta abruptio leading to massive blood loss and after almost losing my son to his disability that years later I’d be homeless, unemployed, unable to secure employment for lack of prior work experience and filing bankruptcy. Who could’ve predicted all this and who would want this to happen to them?

In the end, blaming a victim while making the accuser feel better and in control only re-victimizes the victim . My own ex narcs attorney told me I deserved the abuse. My ex narcs aunt told me I should’ve stayed and dealt with the abuse like she did with her ex husband. To this day, not a day goes by that I thank god I got out and left with my kids. My best friend told me to ” suck it up buttercup”. My ex narc told me to “go find some other sorry sucker to pay for it all” . My narcs supply even went so far as to call me a narcissist.

My son is now a teenager and my daughter is pre teen with my youngest being seven. We have endured so much and it’s a daily struggle but I write with the hopes of enlightening others on this topic of victim blaming.

You should never and I quote “NEVER” blame the victim. When victims are feeling down and depressed the last thing they need is to have someone make them feel worse about themselves and their situation. Victims do not ask nor expect to receive nor could they foresee that this abuse would’ve occurred. It’s not the victims fault and they are not to blame. For those who are victims and or survivors I want to stress that just because family is related by blood doesn’t mean they have your best interest in mind. Always watch out for your own and never settle for less than you deserve. As a freelance writer I urge those who have been re-victimized to get help and surround yourself with those who can relate to your particular situation. Find like minded individuals that can relate and that will help you to understand that it’s not your fault and that you are not alone. Sometimes family and friends may mean well but unless you lived through narcissism and sociopaths you can’t understand the hell and torture of being married to a narcissist. I would highly recommend keeping strong boundaries and never have contact unless limited for special circumstances such as children. Always look out for your own best interests.

As I sit here the day after my birthday I count my blessings. I have to always stress that deleting the toxic people from your life is the best thing you can do for you but also the hardest. I learned through all of this who my true friends are and who I can count on for support. I know that in the end I’m the only one that can be responsible for my happiness and I’m in charge of making sure my kids are provided the best that I can provide and in the end that is all that matters. It’s funny how life has a way of making us see what truly matters and what is worth fighting for. My kids are my world, and while I may have lost everything I own, and lost several friends and family members in the process I would never give anyone the satisfaction of bringing me down. I have come to the point in my life that I want to be surrounded with loving supportive people. Time is too short for trivial things, and life is too precious to be treated any less that what you deserve. I’ve learned as a 13 yr volunteer that their is always someone worse off than you and just to wake up after abuse and see a new day is the  greatest blessing in the world . I’ve lost a few friends who weren’t as lucky as me in getting out and seeing another day. Be grateful for each new day, stay strong, and do what you know in your heart and soul is right. You will be judged no matter what you do, but in the end the only thing that matters is that you’ve lived your life the best way you know how, you gave it your all , and you never gave up when things became bad. My living legacy is my kids and I think that speaks volumes on its own.

My life didn’t go as planned and that’s ok, because in these struggles is where the lessons are learned and character and courage is formed. So thank you to all those who’ve taught me such valuable lessons it’s because of you that I stand here stronger than ever before!!

With love xoxo