~The pro con narcissist and the ponzi scheme~

ImageHave you ever wondered how you ever fell for the pitiful sob story that the narcissist tells everyone? The one where they are the victims , they have fallen on hard times, they have so much potential if only their luck was better?

As a victim and now survivor ( 4 yrs narc free) I can recall so many empty promises, broken dreams, and financial disasters. Upon marriage I never questioned our finances as I assumed my spouse was taking care of business. He was the financial bread winner and I was the dutiful homemaker and we agreed I’d stay home to raise our family.

As time went on I noticed many discrepancies in our finances. Bills not being paid or late, bills in my name for items not ordered nor requested, missing funds, quicken accounts that were always in the negative as if no money was ever available. How could anyone use another for simply their money or the benefits and then walk away? Enter the narcissist here as they feel they are superior. The marriage was simply a piece of paper and as a wife I was considered the kept woman and business partner. So this title I was given by my narcissist had me wondering business partner? Interesting when you figure I never had been granted permission to view our finances, to see any bills, or to know what came in or went out from our residence. I was kept in the dark to all matters involving finances yet somehow I was considered a business partner so how could this be?

Fast forward 13 yrs later when our marriage dissolved and you begin to see the well orchestrated , well planned, well manipulated plan come to light. Much like the Ponzi scheme my narc would lead me to believe our future was bright , we were building what he felt was a foundation to success accompanied with empty promises and my funds. What he failed to tell me was it was all a scheme to rid me of my very last cent and then I’d be discarded and devalued after I was exhausted trying to maintain the masterpiece of housework, wife , motherly duties. When I no longer could provide after I was maxed out and physically sick and exhausted he packed up and moved on to the next supply.

Upon filing a protection order we later divorced and during this 4 yr process I was left bankrupt and homeless and relying upon public assistance to support our family. I had to file for any and all assistance including housing, public, food, heat, and medical. I felt much like the victims from a Ponzi scheme as only the person at the top becomes rich while the others who fell for the lies of wealth, power, and prestige become poor. Taking from one victim to give to the next was a full time business and their was no shortage of new supplies to fill the need. The cycle continues until eventually the pro cons are caught. The enablers and loyal harem of followers are always present to give a helping hand.

You see I believed in the dream of planning for our future together. I believed and trusted in a man who said he was my husband and silly me thought he was my protector , my partner, someone I could confide in and love. Little did I know the plan was set in place as soon as I said hello. Narcissist target their victims and search for those with low self esteem and those they feel they can win over. Never feeling loved as an only girl growing up with 3 brothers, in a rural area with very lil friends, which made me a prime target. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents nor my family and to keep me silent wasn’t that big of a deal for him. To think that when he stated he had discussed the matter with his attorney the specifics of what I’d receive had I left only confirmed my suspicions. While he executed the plan with full precision he left no one immune to his wrath. He emptied every account, sold off every asset, mortgaged every property, emptied our 3 kids college funds of over 10 thousand dollars, took our only home and tried to take our only car. We were left with nothing and had to fight the legal system garnishing wages to get support and alimony. We never received alimony and our support was very little. We received only $778.84 for a family of four after he accrued over 15 thousand in arrearages while we lived on credit cards for over a year even though we showed direct deposits and one time payments using his own bank statements showing over $26 thousand in one time payments came to him during the time his wife and three kids (one child med disabled) went homeless and without income.

Just like the Ponzi scheme I believed in the lies, the beliefs of working toward a common goal and so I provided for my family when he claimed he couldn’t to survive even though I had no employment for the past 13 yrs. The pro con narcissist will take from their victims until they have nothing more to give and then will discard and devalue and move on without hesitation to the next victim that they already have lined up in waiting. As a wife of 11 yr marriage I was considered nothing more than a business partner and a kept woman.

Ironically I didn’t know how much of a business partner I was since I never seen nor signed not one federal tax in entire marriage. I never once seen our finances nor was allowed to have information relevant to our bills or finances. My narcissists kept everything hidden much like in a Ponzi scheme and never shared information even when questioned. I can say with certainty he knew what he was doing, knew the right words to say and the right actions to accomplish the greatest amount of funds and was very good at using others his entire life. When you marry you don’t think for one second that the person you married is out to get you, is planning your demise, is planning to use and abuse and walk away but with a narc you can be sure this is exactly the plan. They leave a trail of destruction behind and have enablers and loyal harem of followers that help them carry out the Ponzi scheme to the end. Only the person at the top makes the riches. Those that enter the scheme are left to pick up the pieces, repair their battered lives, and move on feeling lost and empty. You do not need to be married to experience the scheme as they will use anyone to their benefit and often money is involved. Whether a co worker, family member, friend, mutual partner, sexual partner, or acquaintance you can be sure the narcissist is only focused on what you can provide for them and how they can go about taking without ever giving in return. Beware of the narcissist who seem to blame the world, their past, or their prior relationships for their problems because these are red flags that can never result in a happy ending.

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Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

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Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

As a survivor of narcissism, silence/disassociation was the only way to cope. Fast forward 13 yrs later after an 11 yr marriage to the narc, and not only did things not become better, they became much worse. Left without a home, income, support, or any means to survive while raising 3 children alone and facing mounting financial problems(bankruptcy)associated with a lengthy 4 yr divorce battle with my narc and you will just begin to hit the tip of the iceberg. I found myself questioning how it would even be possible and questioned where to even begin the process. My narc discarded our family without hesitation. Refusal to pay support, tuition, medical, or anything to deal with the family he just left behind became common place. Warrants, wage garnishments, contempt of court actions, icc violation/arrest ,arrearages, protection from abuse orders, police reports, court hearings, probation, anger management, alcohol and drug programs soon became the new norm for my narc. Through love and support of friends and family I found my way, but it was no easy task. Please don’t make the common mistake of being compliant and being provided less than what you deserve.The narc is incapable of providing what a loving healthy relationship needs in order to thrive and grow. You cannot change someone who doesn’t believe they have a problem. You will never receive that apology or that explanation you need to validate their actions and you will simply waste your precious time and energy, while putting your own life , health, and future in jeopardy. Narcs will ruin your mere existence slowly taking every last piece till their is nothing left. Do not wait till you’re totally depleted before leaving such a hostile/volatile situation. Educate yourself and become knowledgeable, focus on you, establish healthy boundaries, and maintain no contact in the future.

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Characteristics of the victim of narcissists

Have you ever felt nothing you do is good enough, have you had to walk on eggshells feeling anxious, making up excuses for the narcs behavior, or finding yourself feeling empty, depressed, or just not quite yourself? These are just some signs of the aftermath of being with a narc. Others may not even know that this is happening to you because often targets feel blame, embarrassment, or simply explain away the narcs true behavior to friends and family. Narcs enjoy limiting your communication with others, narcs are experts at accusing you of actions they themselves are doing and in time you find yourself requesting validation, acknowledgement, or permission to simply have a life outside of the narcs constant need for attention and support. My own personal experience was in feeling like I was a prisoner in my own home, as my narc would monitor my every behavior. My narc made more false accusations than I could ever dreamt possible, and would constantly have you walking on eggshells. He enjoyed leaving notes explaining what needed to be done when he was away from home, and expressing his angered feelings on occasions without ever having open dialogue or communication. Always spoke to me in the third person especially when writing a love poem (or his best version of trying to fake it) and never being in the same room at once was quite the norm. When our marriage ended, I learned he would get new targets by stating he was divorced in his mind, or that our marriage has been over for quite some time yet he was telling me he showed his love by simply coming home to me and our kids each weekend, and how he’d never divorce because it meant he failed and that he doesn’t fail at anything. He often told others that his needs weren’t met, even though I worked to exhaustion to supply those needs. Not many friends or family knew we were married because he classified me as his kept woman and business partner after an 11 yr marriage never his wife, lover, or friend. He had very few “friends” in his eyes, and even more enemies. Always projecting the world was against him, and always requiring you do more yet never appreciating your efforts or reciprocating in kind. As time went on I found myself hiding the truth about our relationship because his actions were so bizarre and crazy that I knew no one would believe them. I have since learned that he is now doing the same to the new supply. I learned that she too is being abused and that she denies these actions to her friends yet her friends know the truth. She denies cooking/cleaning/tending to his every need because she knows that she’s only their as a source of supply to do the things he needs done and nothing more. It’s so sad to see the destruction narcs can cause, but I’m grateful to be out of this abusive, hostile environment, and I’m enjoying my new found freedom.

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Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t have to define you, you can be changed by what happened, but you don’t have to be reduced by it. You were chosen because you were better than the narc, you possessed strength, tenacity, love, empathy, every emotion that a narc doesn’t have nor will be able to have. Please watch this very moving and healing video with love

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Several Shades of Smeared

The narcs are masters at beginning the smear campaign way before you end the relationship to get others to not believe your truths when you finally get to respond to their lies. As Kim noted The reason that everyone now runs in the opposite direction from you is because the Narcissist has been smearing your reputation since before the relationship even ended.  The two main reasons for this are: 1) All relationships are doomed in the Narcissist’s mind and he wants to get a running start on assassinating your character. 2) He assumes you will vent to people in your shared social circle, and he wants to ensure he cuts you off at the pass so you will look unstable when you muster the audacity to seek support.  These actions are to preserve the false image he’s portrayed all along. When it comes to the smear campaign, no one is off limits to the Narcissist’s virtual mega-phone.  They remember people you met once at a restaurant two states over, and will casually show up in that locality just to make sure no one still thinks of you in a positive light. However, the one mistake the narc made is in leaving a paper trail of legal documents. For example I located several documents against my narc, documents that DO NOT LIE! Whether police reports, adoption papers, warrants for failure to pay child support, protection orders, arrest papers, newspaper articles about prior criminal behavior, court documents, financial documents , taxes, probation papers, and the list goes on the narc may run but they can never run to far from the truth. In time the truth will always surmount the well dressed lie. Best advise against the smear campaign document everything and hide those papers, the narc will come to find them using whatever tactics they deem necessary to keep you silent.

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The High Price To Pay For Mothers in Divorce with Narcissist

Truth be told, the fallacy that moms are still making a killing when seeking divorce is similar to the continued fantasy that Santa Claus really does exist. You’ve been snowed if you believe, as a woman, that the current economic and legal “divorce and custody” climate will award you a bunch of money in the form of alimony, child support, and two weeks paid vacation in both winter and summer. The only guarantees either party will receive when filing for divorce are huge legal bills. Past that, everything is up for grabs including custody of the children.   I have obtained a MPA degree & the master judge at dro had asked me what course matter I took in high school over 20 yrs ago but didn’t request the same of the ex husband. The judge will say that your parents can provide daycare even though they are elderly, hard of hearing, diabetic, fixed income, rather than request the ex husband to assist with raising his own. The master judge will note on record, you are only a “stay home mom” as if having 3 kids/raising them alone for 13 yrs while the ex-husband visited on weekends from 5 states away, and with a disabled son who required round the clock care was a walk in the park. The judge will not care if you have to live off credit cards for two years to support your 3 kids, while they delay the hearings for the ex husband and delay his court appearances, after all you can’t expect a normal person to appear on their court appointed time right? Nah not in Luzerne county, oh and please don’t tell them you were abused because his atty will tell you that you deserved the abuse. The only sensible person I found in court was the court appointed lawyer who shook his head as my family waited for support living without income for nearly 2 yrs. If their is a history of abuse, domestic violence, pfa/arrests/probation don’t expect that information to be taken seriously even if it just happened less than 2 yrs ago as it won’t be looked at if he’s seeking shared custody? Yup not important, even with pfa and pd records. If you file, make sure you have a nice nest egg, as it will cost you everything you own, and the legal system won’t care if you haven’t worked in 13 yrs to raise kids, they won’t care you can’t get employment with mpa degree, they will demand payment, and yes even after filing bankruptcy, and while on assistance. The end!

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The Apology That Isn’t Coming

Direct quote taken from,”The Apology That Isn’t Coming”. “Personally, as someone who is healing and recovering from the narcissistic cycles that feed each other in an endless paradox, I know that these cycles can only be changed when the scapegoat discovers their role in this system, and becomes aware that it does not coincide with their true self, that it doesn’t reflect their true identity, it does the opposite. It comes when the scapegoat flicks the light on from the inside, and goes through a process of self discovery, and obtains a degree of legitimate self awareness. When these realizations are made, the scapegoat can break apart from the role. They can put distance between the abuse and manipulation. They can differentiate between self, and fake self. The fake self they were made to believe they are, and the negative emotions that they used to take on with this fake self. They can deflect it with the automatic notions that comes in knowing their own truth.”

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Narcissists and Revenge

Narcissists will act out especially before and after a divorce. Narcs cannot let go~not because they love their former partner~ but because they want to psychologically destroy them. Narcs become revengeful during divorce seeking to plot out acts of revenge, using bullying tactics to threaten to take it “all”. After divorce a narcissist will begin the smear/rumor campaign against their former partner, they will use custodial arrangements to try to make the spouse/partner upset. Not because they want to spend more time with their children, but instead because it’s another way to get you to feel the pain and anguish that is inside of them. To avoid this unnecessary drama is not often easy. You must try to avoid contact and do not engage the narc. Learn as much as you can about narcissism and recovery, and continue to heal yourself by not focusing on the revengeful tactics of the narc.

Never Deny Survivors Experiences

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Never Deny Survivors Experiences

This is so important. It takes an enormous amount of strength, courage, and emotional will to leave a narcissistic relationship. They have isolated you from all help, financially and emotionally bankrupted you. They have corroded the image of your true self, projecting negativity on you and claiming your goodness for themselves. People who blindly follow the narc do so for the crumbs. They won’t help you and you will be left wondering how on earth did this all happen