Value Human Interaction ~ The Official Break up Letter to My Narcissist

gm11Here is my email to my narc upon ending our 11 yr marriage with a 13 yr relationship. I located this after searching through our emails to help others on my page The Lost Self Life After Narcissism on Facebook. Here is what my original email stated as I hope this helps others to understand that living with a narcissist is a lonely existence and that narcissist never change they may only alter their behavior but the end result is years of abuse of every form and a lost self full of a trail of lies and destruction.

I am providing this as a learning tool for others and to show the relationship between victims and narcissists. This is meant to educate and help others to heal and overcome narcissism.

2/6/11 : What amazes me the most is the attention to others, the calls to others, the willingness to work with them and become involved with them (girlfriends) all while telling me your not warm and fuzzy, not a family man, never will be, yet how did these relationships seem to flourish for so long without my knowledge and the pics I have located with each and everyone of them, think of how as your wife I must have felt seeing them, your arm and arm, holding a love child you gave up for adoption after we married, when I gave up so much to bear your child/children? I almost died, I bled to death, I had a placenta abruption and was told I would be fine, and I wasn’t fine. I was dying, it was my mom, who begged and pleaded that I be provided a blood transfusion saving my life, the very same woman who saved our son from aspirating if she had fed him the days she was authorized to do such by superiors it would have went into his lung , his esophagus wasn’t formed and was later fused together. In fact she quit her job and didn’t  receive a pension because they refused to give her time off to see our son in the nicu and to help me daily with his care, and I never told you because you never showed a care for her or I …but you asked why she never got a pension and this is why…so now you know.

I further will state you say I’m bitter, how would you feel if you spent ten years of your life being alone, raising kids alone, having a husband who showed not a slightest bit of interest in you whatsoever but yet worked and felt money was far more superior than his presence, his love, his commitment to our marriage? Shouldn’t you have put forth some effort into us? When have we gone out together, kissed, hugged, held hands, shared intimate moments, any of the normal things couples do ? I honestly can say after we married and we went to Florida and you stated you only married to have kids due to me having big hips, and then later told me how I’m a kept woman a business partner this to you is something you say to a spouse? Or better how often you left me in hotel alone with child only to be told, I’ll be right back and weren’t for hours later, especially the night in cayman on an island the size of a prune? Or imagine being told you went running on of all days our honeymoon, when most couples would be sharing intimate moments you went running, only to have me find you hours later lounging at a pool, and you then asked why I was upset on our honeymoon? Or better being constantly left alone in hotels with kids, while you ran out to bookstores, shopping, for bagels, coffee, this is your idea of fun for family?

How about finding out about questionable websites, dating sites and online questionable material ten years later? Not to mention the abuse in all forms, physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, and you have yourself one heck of a marriage…and while I had to use self defense you try to claim abuse? Or when upon asking for five dollars to take kids for a simple ice cream when you know you made 133,000 you stated time and time again no money, yet ran out to buy tools at lowe’s/pay workers 13-20 per hour to run with you and then went food shopping for self?

I would never take you back because for you it’s all about being the “winner” , keeping your “assets”, retaining your “money”, being in “control” of it all for me it’s about something much deeper than all that. Its about love, commitment, honor, respect, truth, family, priorities, accountabilities, responsibilities, sharing, RESPECT, and to me I don’t think this is something you will understand because your simply on a one track mind of thinking and it appears difficult for you to not only hear me, but talk to me, listen to me, take my ideas into account, or even respect me enough to not hang up, curse me out, or call me vulgar names or for that matter sit down and discuss it and not walk in circles room to room.

You have always stated how I never worked with you. I gave up my life for you, my career for you, I worked to the point I now have 3 degenerative disks, ganglion cysts from repetitive movement on wrists and of course pre-cancerous lesions. I have always been there for you, running to hospitals, calling on phones, only to be constantly pushed aside, not now, too busy, maybe later, can’t make long distance…do you not recall when pregnant I continued to do my masters, to make sure I wasn’t left barefoot/pregnant..yet when I needed you, you abandoned me to the point I had to call an ambulance to be brought in from my own driveway after you left me outside in our car, from having side effects from surgery/anesthesia being too strong, and your response was to wait here till your mom comes to get you as you’re going running.

Please think of how this feels to someone who at one point truly cared, deeply loved, and honestly would’ve done anything for her husband and her family. Think of the devastation upon first hearing of a divorce two years upon being newly married only to have it repeat the pattern year after year. Think about doing all the above alone, and to be crucified for every cent spent and accounted for every cent on registers, who does this to someone they supposedly love? Think about someone telling you to pull your car over and call your spouse to request use of there very own credit card? Seem normal? Or better being told you don’t participate yet when you request your told you don’t know how, you never dealt with rentals, you have no knowledge of quicken, nor would you involve me in any financial decision yet somehow I should be knowledgeable of every bill ,the amount, and be aware of what is do and when without being prevy to this information. Exclusion was common in many forms in our relationship especially with finances, bills, taxes, and of course outside events/relationships/work.

Think of how it feels to get dressed up in sexy lingerie (going outside of my comfort zone) , or better no clothes, send cookies, and sexy emails only to be ignored upon arrival home? Think of what it might feel like to have this done relentlessly for ten years… I have never bought new outfits, or anything for self in ten years. I have only purchased thrift store. I walked whenever possible to save , used coupons to make purchases, never shopped retail, and this to you is splurging for the family? When I told others I recycled cans to buy happy meals and then found out the amount of money you made I was floored. I picked out of garbage cans to make ends meet, walked with a picker grabbing cans off streets, and would have relatives/neighbors save cans to get a dollar and you made how much? I then would recycle used thrift store clothes to make a few dollars only to be asked to give you the few dollars I made? You can’t imagine how this makes one feel. You mentioned to me white trash and I guess that’s what you felt I amounted too. You laughed at me for doing all the physical labor yet I had no idea the money you made none. I guess to you this behavior is hilarious, but my body can tell you it wasn’t. Yet you never offered once to help or offered to get someone else to help. Ironically if you had to hire someone though it was no problem.

Think of how  it must feel to be ignored knowing your attention and focus was elsewhere. But where and on whom? I might never know? I can’t understand why you married. I may never know why you used me and threw me out with nothing but the clothes on my back but I assure you I worked like I did not for a home, not for assets, not for another notch on the belt, or for self worth, recognition, or some type of status quo and not for money but for us and our family.

I just can’t fathom how I could’ve been so blind to what you have been obviously planning for so long? Not just this year, this has been going on for better part of six years. It’s like being married to a con and being fooled for so long…I thought I was doing all this for us?

I have come to realize that I couldn’t have given any more, I did my best, I gave my all. I can’t make you have feelings for me when I honestly believe non existed from the start. I honestly feel you married because your mom liked me, she wanted to see you settle down after keeping notes of all the girls you dated and types of girls, and she paid for it to happen. I believe you wanted to do what was right for our son, and felt you might have owed me this much. I don’t believe love was then or is now a factor in that decision. Regardless of the outcome I have stuck to my vows and honored what I hold deeply.

I am very hurt by your comments of I did it for the house, I removed you from our home, I took your kids for three months and or that you lost your job. The truth of the matter is your actions caused my results. Admitting it to your aunt was great, but denying this to me isn’t. I also know your divorce is based on anger and I hope you get over your anger and hatred for me.

A protection from abuse was issued because of your actions that evening and in conjunction with every aspect of abuse and for previous occurrences in which police were called and you were removed, and while I cannot fathom why you did it I can only believe you wanted out so baldly you didn’t care what you did to get out. I believe there was no other option. I had already called police on prior instances of similar fashion and had you removed. I was concerned it was escalating and concerned for my safety and for those whom I have a legal right to protect. Someday I hope you understand this and get the help you need. I also hope you understand by calling my cell and stating if you didn’t see the kids you would press legal action, and wouldn’t provide me money to live was a very hard thing to hear when you knew we depended upon you. I would’ve never have cut you off financially and left you for dead, but I guess you did what you felt you had to do and in doing such created further harm to myself and our kids financially if nothing else. I then don’t understand why you would then seek help w/o involving me when a relationship involves two people with two opinions but the letter you wrote at least made me realize I was being heard for first time in years.

Why you never ate with me, sat with me, slept with me, came to bed with me, spent time with me, called me, loved me, hugged me, kissed me, caressed me, supported me, or ever assisted me is something I will never understand. Isn’t this what a marriage is about?

How can anyone simply use someone to have children, have sex, and leave them with “how’s it feel to be used” is so sickening and hurtful that I have no words to express it.

Then to find out you are more concerned about the home, the assets, the money, the wealth, … then myself or our children’s welfare is even more disheartening.

You keep stating how “I” planned this all? However, I could’ve never planned for what you did that night, nor could I ever dreamt of the outcome. We lived off credit cards for over a year and were forced upon public assistance. Four people living on less than seven hundred a month. Two attorneys later.  Being told the house I worked so hard for will never be mine. The rentals never be mine. The workload not less  but more, the money not more but less, and to add insult I’m now told  “how’s it feel to be used” … ???

Well it feels good to raise three kids alone. To successfully have an honor roll student, superb dancer, and excellent swimmer and to have a child whom everyone said would never make it and did.  A child whom was told would need physical therapy for rest of life, speech therapy, be developmentally delayed based on preemie status to now be in school in which he’s getting A’s and B’s. I believe some credit goes to teachers/doctors  and the remainder can only be attributed to myself and those whom assisted with him. I can’t tell you the gratification I have in knowing I went into debt for them and YOU and I would do it all again if given the same circumstances. They are only young once. They are at an age they don’t want to be with parents all the time and they are breaking out into wonderful young adults. I am very proud of them all, and very proud of my accomplishments and saddened that you never experienced or shared in it. I hope someday you feel family is more a legacy then a dependent a financial obligation and a detriment as you so often stated. I hope someday you can find a sense of healing, and know that the world is not out to get you. I hope someday you realize how deeply I loved you and how much I gave up for you. How it kills me to sit here this day and even type this, realizing I meant nothing to you was nothing more than ” eye candy” .

I hope someday you understand that blaming others for your actions isn’t the answer. But owning up to responsibility , being accountable is much more noteworthy response. While I’m sure your very upset and angered at the results the outcome could’ve been much different had you simply walked away that evening or kept your hands to yourself. I also wonder if you had opened up and worked with me and shared more intimate moments as a couple how different our marriage might have been.

You had all the qualities that I ever wanted : intelligent, hard working determined, attractive, strong, yet there was never an “US”. There was no marriage other than procreation. There was no relationship between us.. and for that I’m deeply saddened. I have never felt so alone, so used, and now so upset for being so foolish as to give my all and receive lil to nothing in return.

More importantly I so wanted to simply be given love, to be shown affection, to be told how much I was appreciated and yet the harder I worked the more you walked out and the less you showed me and the more you gravitated towards others outside the relationship. I can’t imagine doing anything differently, I honestly can’t. I don’t know why you were so cold, withdrawn, disinterested, disconnected with me. I can only say I never married for nor wished to exit what you state.

I have done my best in all regards. While deeply saddened at your current state of mind I hope someday you see my point of view and realize you gave me no other choice . You would’ve done the same and unfortunately, my self worth, self respect, and dignity far surpasses any money, assets, or materialistic goods that you or any court of law could ever provide.

You entered into divorce, you filed the divorce, you will exit out with divorce. I hope you find whatever and whomever it might be that will do more, give more, and be more than apparently what I was not, nor will ever be to you, in your eyes only.



I Was a Horrible Wife

You cannot please a narc, lord knows I tried for 11 yrs of marriage. You are fooling yourself and will only deplete yourself in every way if you attempt to change a narc. They are only in a relationship for their own personal gain as selfish as this seems, and no matter what you do it will not change


I’m glad I went through hell with a narcissist

Yes, I’m glad that I went through hell with the narc. The reason is simple I learned to love myself, I learned to not be dependent on anyone, and not accept less than I deserve. I’ve been able to become stronger from my pain. The gift was truly in the curse. Knowing what you will and will not accept, creating and establishing new boundaries, not sweating the small stuff, and not allowing anyone to take advantage of me is something that was not well defined before the narc. I have increased volunteer hours, and helped so many people during my trying and troubled times that nothing could surmount that which I’ve experienced over the past 4 yrs narc free. To appreciate having less resulted in counting my blessings and having more gratitude.To see the small things in life, and be able to rise to see the sun each morning has given me a new sense of purpose in life. I’m so grateful to my narc, for without the trials and tribulations from my narc,  I wouldn’t have been able to be the stronger& wiser woman that I now am!


Several Shades of Smeared

The narcs are masters at beginning the smear campaign way before you end the relationship to get others to not believe your truths when you finally get to respond to their lies. As Kim noted The reason that everyone now runs in the opposite direction from you is because the Narcissist has been smearing your reputation since before the relationship even ended.  The two main reasons for this are: 1) All relationships are doomed in the Narcissist’s mind and he wants to get a running start on assassinating your character. 2) He assumes you will vent to people in your shared social circle, and he wants to ensure he cuts you off at the pass so you will look unstable when you muster the audacity to seek support.  These actions are to preserve the false image he’s portrayed all along. When it comes to the smear campaign, no one is off limits to the Narcissist’s virtual mega-phone.  They remember people you met once at a restaurant two states over, and will casually show up in that locality just to make sure no one still thinks of you in a positive light. However, the one mistake the narc made is in leaving a paper trail of legal documents. For example I located several documents against my narc, documents that DO NOT LIE! Whether police reports, adoption papers, warrants for failure to pay child support, protection orders, arrest papers, newspaper articles about prior criminal behavior, court documents, financial documents , taxes, probation papers, and the list goes on the narc may run but they can never run to far from the truth. In time the truth will always surmount the well dressed lie. Best advise against the smear campaign document everything and hide those papers, the narc will come to find them using whatever tactics they deem necessary to keep you silent.


The High Price To Pay For Mothers in Divorce with Narcissist

Truth be told, the fallacy that moms are still making a killing when seeking divorce is similar to the continued fantasy that Santa Claus really does exist. You’ve been snowed if you believe, as a woman, that the current economic and legal “divorce and custody” climate will award you a bunch of money in the form of alimony, child support, and two weeks paid vacation in both winter and summer. The only guarantees either party will receive when filing for divorce are huge legal bills. Past that, everything is up for grabs including custody of the children.   I have obtained a MPA degree & the master judge at dro had asked me what course matter I took in high school over 20 yrs ago but didn’t request the same of the ex husband. The judge will say that your parents can provide daycare even though they are elderly, hard of hearing, diabetic, fixed income, rather than request the ex husband to assist with raising his own. The master judge will note on record, you are only a “stay home mom” as if having 3 kids/raising them alone for 13 yrs while the ex-husband visited on weekends from 5 states away, and with a disabled son who required round the clock care was a walk in the park. The judge will not care if you have to live off credit cards for two years to support your 3 kids, while they delay the hearings for the ex husband and delay his court appearances, after all you can’t expect a normal person to appear on their court appointed time right? Nah not in Luzerne county, oh and please don’t tell them you were abused because his atty will tell you that you deserved the abuse. The only sensible person I found in court was the court appointed lawyer who shook his head as my family waited for support living without income for nearly 2 yrs. If their is a history of abuse, domestic violence, pfa/arrests/probation don’t expect that information to be taken seriously even if it just happened less than 2 yrs ago as it won’t be looked at if he’s seeking shared custody? Yup not important, even with pfa and pd records. If you file, make sure you have a nice nest egg, as it will cost you everything you own, and the legal system won’t care if you haven’t worked in 13 yrs to raise kids, they won’t care you can’t get employment with mpa degree, they will demand payment, and yes even after filing bankruptcy, and while on assistance. The end!


The Narcissist After The Break Up

If only it could be as easy as No Contact , or creating boundaries, or simply focusing on you, while learning all you can about the narcissist.I know it’s not that black and white but it is possible to overcome, the reality is you will learn to grow, and evolve from the relationship slowly, it may take months or years, but it’s better to have lost a relationship than to stay in one in which your needs are not being met. The initial reaction to the breakup, is of course that the Narcissist will be angry and will try to boomerang you back into their lives because they need constant adoration. If you no longer adore them they will find a new source of supply so beware of the quick fixes as the narc will put his best act to you in order to conquer you and control you. If you validate him by reacting he’ll move on to the next victim. Never lose yourself in the process, always stay true to you, and remember while it may take time it’s worth the effort to heal and rebuild.


Missing The Narcissist

Missing the Narcissist ~ As quoted,” When we leave the narcissist, it’s because the abuse has gotten intolerable. Afterward, when he calls us and pushes the buttons he knows extremely well, the temptation to give him another chance can be overwhelming. We’re hurt; we’re mad; we want to recoup some of our losses; we love him and want it to work; we just can’t believe that anyone would be so warped as to hurt us that way, so we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. All roads point to trying again with the narcissist. The Reality is Truth. Reality is Knowledge, and Honesty with yourself. It’s Your peace. Your health. This road points in the opposite direction, away from the narcissist. Yes, it’s an uphill road, but if you can invest in the climb, the view from the top is spectacular.” Do you really want to waste your valuable precious time on someone who is incapable of loving another?


Divorcing A Narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy nor pretty task. Often these high conflict cases are riddled with high drama, tension, and turmoil that makes them difficult to deal with effectively. Narcissists will often make winning at any cost their primary objective and will stop at nothing to obtain this goal leaving their targets emotionally distraught, mentally/physically exhausted, and in financial ruins. They see the court system as a means to an end, in that they do not want the truth to be revealed about them, and so they will seek revenge through legal avenues. Narcissists come up with crafty ways of doing this from making up untrue statements to creating fabricated statements, to even finding loopholes within the system to their benefit. In many cases they will prolong cases, delay hearings, or simply not show up for court cases simply because they feel they can and feel they are above the law. They feel superior to others, and will dress the part, so they have this arrogance/appeal about them that can fool even the most skilled individual. Documentation is your best defense because a narc is so good at lying that the truth is often blurred. In many cases justice is not served, and many victims often feel re-victimized from the hearings. Victims have expressed feeling they were misunderstood, not taken seriously, or were up against a “pro” someone with years of experience deceiving others. Our hope is someday the system in all faucets from master and family judges, to court systems/ judicial process, even down to domestic relations/case workers, understand the process of narcissism and how it affects those involved. Though justice may not be served in your terms, justice will be served “eventually” and I hope all of us are around to see that day.

Letters To Lawyers Dealing With Sociopaths

It never ceases to amaze me how the narcissists can play the system, how the courts ignore or discount the victims story, and how often I find targets of narcissists feeling re-victimized by the entire process. My first sign of this occurred during a domestic relations hearing when I was told by my ex-husband’s council that I “deserved” the abuse. If that wasn’t enough ~The court room judge who issued my ex in contempt for failure to appear stated directly to myself and my attorney how we should wait a few minutes for him to appear for his designated hearing beyond the court appointed time as if he had authority or permission to be late as an ordinary citizen. I recall the time I waited for my protection from abuse hearing and was approached to settle the case w/o the judge being present (prior to the case even before being heard) noting  his attorney felt we would be divorced in one year only to have it go on for 4 years. During this process I was left homeless for a time, bankrupt, w/o employment , w/o support for nearly 2 yrs with arrearages over 15,000, with my narc arrest for violating the protection order, wage garnishments, contempt of court charges, and even a warrant for his failure to pay support/alimony. I also will never forget how hard it was to have others believe my truths about our relationship. I was mocked for not knowing our poor finances, even though I never filed/signed tax documents because my estranged handled them and was sole breadwinner, and how he refused to provide/refused to show me the bills or discuss finances. I was classified as only a  “stay home mom” as if raising a disabled child with 2 other children while holding a MPA meant nothing by the judges including masters judges. I recall a master judge asking me my educational background from grade school and what course matter I took nearly 30 yrs ago , yet my ex narc was not requested to recount the same. I recall a master judge telling me my family could tend to my kids for me to work, as if it was my elderly and ailing parents responsibility to raise our own children and not me or my ex-husband’s. I will never forget how I was provided only $778.84 month for family of four to live, and how I had to fight to get my voice and that of my children’s heard as if  we were invisible. I recall how my court appointed attorney shook his head in disbelief that my ex not only didn’t pay support for nearly two years forcing us to live off credit cards but in addition, how the judge continued to delay the hearing while we lived w/o income. I recall our first payment after nearly two years being only $100 dollars to raise our family and how I was unable to secure employment with my mpa degree because I gave up my career to raise our kids, and how I had to prove I was doing everything I could to get a job, yet my ex didn’t need to prove anything, nor provide necessary documentation such as filling out reportable income sheets or stating a job change prior to dro office. I recall how even with documentation including showing how he deposited twenty six thousand in his checking account didn’t matter when his family was struggling to survive during his refusal to pay support. I recall how the system failed us miserably, how I wrote to anyone who would listen including 3 PA state representatives, and the state attorney generals office, even a legal tv show about my mistreatment and situation only to be told it’s legal matter or no jurisdiction existed. I should note after writing to journalist as a last resort, the master judge in our case, was eventually let go due to downsizing after our case was closed. So with this said I give you this:





  An open letter to lawyers who have clients involved with sociopaths

  Dear Mr. or Ms. Esquire,

  When a client tells you his or her opponent is a sociopath, please be aware of the ramifications for your legal case.

  First of all, do not disregard the statement just because the opponent hasn’t killed anyone. A common perception is that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. This is not true—only a small percentage of sociopaths commit murder. But all sociopaths are social predators, and live by exploiting others.

  Frequently this is financial exploitation—many sociopaths are skilled con artists—but not always. Sociopaths also target people who can provide them with a place to live, business connections, sex, housekeeping or other support services, children, or a respectable image in the community while they live double lives. The point is that sociopaths intentionally use manipulation and deceit to hook their target. They continue the manipulation and deceit to keep the exploitation going, bleeding the target until there is nothing left. At that point, some sociopaths abandon the target, moving on without a backward glance.

  Sometimes, however, the target gets wise to the sociopath, and wants to end the involvement. At this point, some sociopaths become enraged at the possibility of losing control, and set out to crush the target. They are not interested in compromise or equitable distribution. They do not want to give the target whatever he or she is entitled to. They want to grind the target into the dirt.

  What you need to understand about sociopaths

  1. A sociopath’s prime objective is power and control. All they want is to win.

  2. Sociopaths love the drama of court because it gives them an opportunity to win. They do not consider the possibility that they may lose. If they do lose, they view it a bump in the road, and figure out how to attack the target again. Forcing the target to incur steadily mounting legal expenses is considered a win.

  3. Sociopaths lie. They lie convincingly. They have no qualms about lying in court documents or on the witness stand.

  4. Sociopaths manipulate other people to lie for them. These witnesses may not know they are lying—they may simply believe everything that the sociopath has told them, because sociopaths are so convincing.

  5. Sociopaths feel no obligation to follow court orders or the law. They only follow court orders or the law if they perceive an advantage in doing so. But they are experts at figuring out ways to use the law to further their objective, which is to crush your client.

  How people become targets

  Most of us believe that people are basically good inside and everybody just wants to be loved. Because we do not know that there are exceptions to these beliefs—namely, sociopaths—we have huge blind spots that these predators can exploit.

  No normal person intentionally becomes involved with a lying, manipulative sociopath. So when your client tells you outrageous stories of the sociopath’s behavior, and also says he or she never knew about the behavior, or accepted the sociopath’s explanations, your client is most likely telling the truth.

  How do these entanglements happen? Sociopaths are always on the lookout for people they can use. When they encounter someone through any social interaction, they quickly evaluate whether that person has something that they want. If the answer is yes, they assess the person for vulnerabilities. Then they figure out how to exploit the person’s vulnerabilities to achieve their objective.

  Sociopaths engage in calculated seduction. If you’re handling a divorce case, the seduction was romantic. If it’s some other type of case, the seduction may have involved shared beliefs, aspirations or goals. Either way, in the beginning of the involvement the target is subject to a wonderful honeymoon of admiration and promise.

  Once the target is hooked, the sociopath begins the exploitation, while simultaneously ramping up manipulation to keep the target under control. This may involve:

  Isolating the target from his or her support network
  Emotional, psychological, verbal, physical, sexual or financial abuse
  Gaslighting—making the target doubt his or her own perceptions
  What you need to understand about the target

  1. Involvement with a sociopath is like living in a black hole of chaos. Your client, the target, has probably had every aspect of his or her life disrupted:

  Career interrupted
  Finances ruined
  Health compromised
  Home and property neglected
  Relationships shattered
  By the time the legal action commenced, your client may have already been in free fall for a long time. He or she may feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the issues that need to be addressed.

  2. Involvement with a sociopath can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). At one time PTSD was diagnosed only in relation to a single traumatic event that involved risk of serious injury or death, coupled with intense fear, horror or helplessness. A new definition identifies a type of PTSD that results from cumulative trauma and long-term injury.

  3. PTSD is a psychiatric injury (not a mental illness). PTSD causes biochemical changes in the brain and affects certain areas of the brain’s anatomy. Common symptoms include intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating and exhaustion.

  4. The litigation against the sociopath makes your client re-experience the underlying trauma and triggers the symptoms of PTSD. Dr. Karin Huffer, in her book Unlocking Justice, explains what happens:

  Mentally reliving the trauma during legal proceedings simultaneously activates parts of the brain that support intense emotions while diminishing the functions of the central nervous system that controls motor output, regulates physiological arousal, and impedes the ability to communicate in words. Memory fails and intrusive emotions sabotage concentration on the task at hand. Litigants feel incapable of the spontaneous verbal response and interaction required in typical courtroom exchanges. As a result, the litigant with PTSD might be driven to avoid topics. They literally do not hear them. They disconnect when they need to engage. And, at times, they clearly are nonfunctional and are unable to communicate their symptoms and needs in a formal manner accepted by the courts.

  5. Targets of sociopaths have been deceived, betrayed and perhaps subject to violence. They approach the courts expecting justice, which sociopaths actively thwart. When justice is denied, and targets instead experience profound and prolonged injustice, their PTSD takes on another dimension, which Huffer identifies as “Legal Abuse Syndrome.”

Your client’s experience

  The goal of this letter, Mr. or Ms. Esquire, is to help you understand what your client has experienced. My objective is to explain why he or she may be having difficulties with the litigation process, and difficulties moving on in life. The sociopath intentionally used your client—perhaps for years—and may be intentionally attempting to destroy him or her now.

  Your client is not irrational, lazy or obstinate. Your client is having a normal reaction to profound betrayal.


  Donna Andersen
  Author,, and a former litigant against a sociopath