“You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”
― Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
For Narcissist they don’t give anything of themselves. For most they think of giving not in what they can provide but what they can give from their heart and soul. It has meaning, it has purpose, it stands for something more important long after they are gone.
Narcissists don’t view their own children as their legacy. Rather they view their family members, spouses , siblings, or partners as extensions. These individuals have a purpose and are simply used to provide a benefit for the narcissist. They may be co-dependents or enablers who believe they are helping the narcissist when in reality they are providing a supply and a source to further the hidden agenda of the narcissist.
Narcissists are incapable of love in the sense of normal love. They internalize and suppress emotions. They may be introverts who like to keep to themselves and loners by trade. They may have had a troubled childhood and may never have been shown what true love entails. For some narcissist they use their wealth, power, control to pretend to show love by simply being present even though they are emotionally distant and detached. They may make grand purchases trying to seek attention by buying love from others through expensive gifts to win them over.
Narcissist are terrible providers and protectors. They do not know how to be there for anyone other than themselves. This sense of selfishness and grandiose ego mentality is very disheartening.
From an early age many of us may have been taught to treat others how we would like to be treated. However, narcissist don’t care about others feelings, they can’t relate to them, and they would rather go it alone than have to be alert and attentive. They view relationships as a means to an end, they simply aren’t interested in being involved in the same sense others are and they don’t wish to share their lives fully with anyone.
“There is no give and take , no till death do we part, no in sickness and in health. What does exists with a narcissist is only give me what you can till your exhausted, let me take as much as I need, do as I say, and don’t voice your opinion or question my motives and we will be just fine.”
Narcissists will make excuses to get out of responsibilities and commitments. They will always appear busy, will never have time, will make others wait for them and cater to them, and will put their Primary Sources on the back burner to be used as needed when appropriate.
For most people the thought of living any other way than with dignity, respect, class, and selflessness is important. The thought of the way in which we conduct ourselves with compassion, love , understanding and faith is important. We want to live a fulfilled life with importance in knowing we made a difference and have given back to our community or helped others in anyway possible including helping our own and those who matter most to us. However, for narcissist the thought of leaving anything behind for anyone else is not an option. They discard and devalue at the moment you learn the truth about them. Whatever they accumulate in life belongs solely to them and sharing is not part of the equation because the equation involves only one.
They do not give of themselves, they will only take!
xoxo #lifeafternarcissism #nevergiveup #recovery
It’s quite easy to stay in the victim mode and not wish to progress to survivor and thriver. However, it’s important to never blame yourself. You can only be responsible for your own actions in life.
All of us may have been given a bad hand, but it’s how we deal with the hand we are dealt that determines the outcome.
Similar to Tina Swithin in her post, “Gratitude to the Narcissist” and many of our readers, my divorce was never ending lasting 4 years. Moving forward in divorce from my narcissist involved custody, support, visitation, and protection orders. I had hired 2 ineffective attorneys and one attorney to handle bankruptcy due to being forced to live on credit cards awaiting support. Ironically, time has a way of showing you what is and isn’t important and the legal system shows you just how slow the wheels of justice can revolve.
I learned through the legal system that time can work for you or against you especially when seeking closure and healing. We live in a world of instant gratification and yet the wheels of justice never turn fast enough when trying to leave a narcissistic relationship. You can’t control and oversee every aspect and sometimes the not knowing and not being able to predict the outcome while leaving it in the hands of others serves a wider purpose. If you have to go to court you may have to sit across from or in front of your narc but know this is only for the court hearings and proceedings, and hopefully it won’t last to long. Nothing last forever.
In court, the most important thing to know is that you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to know all the answers but you do have to believe in one person “YOURSELF”.
The system often will fail, the justice may never be received, you’ll never get that apology or remorse from the narc but in the end it isn’t about the material possessions, assets or wealth it’s much bigger. So often victims are re-victimized by the system because the legal system is insensitive and not knowledgeable of narcissism and the effects upon the victims. Many books have been written about body language to help judges determine truth and often times body language of victims fails to take into account other factors that can alter the readings and cues like years of abuse, stress, ptsd, nerves, fear, terror, threats, emotional blackmail, intimidation and or violence which can alter the outcome.
So how do you get over the narcissist?
I can say emphatically this, “love yourself” and utilize internal healing and or professional assistance if you feel it’s necessary. Know your worth and the fact that you were targeted by the narcissist for those same qualities that can never be taken from you. Believe in you when nobody else will. Surround yourself with positive energy and support. Understand that there will be toxic people, loyal followers, harems and groupies that may try to belittle , chastise, and berate you on behalf of the narcissists but they are already beneath you which is why they chose to go this route.
Never believe toxic people and know that their agenda is not your own. Your worth is not based on what others think about you, your worth is based on what you think of yourself.
Never lower your standards and always maintain strong boundaries. Keep no contact enforced and never waiver. Stand firm in both your beliefs, values, goals, and dreams. Do what makes you happy and don’t let the narc negativity affect your positivity.
We all know that leaving a narcissist is not easy, but it isn’t impossible. A brighter future awaits. A future in which power, control, negativity is not the norm. A future in which you can be your true authentic self.
Gratitude is the key and knowledge is power. Be grateful for every day brings new blessings.
I’ll never forget volunteering for a homeless women’s shelter and hearing stories of survival from these beautiful and empowering women. It literally lifted my soul to know that while they had nothing they still were grateful simply to be alive. It was during this time that I was left homeless, w/o income, while having to accept free handouts while on government assistance. I recall how I felt that life couldn’t get any lower only to learn that I was truly blessed.
I walked away knowing that though I didn’t have much I had a supportive group of friends and family that loved me and sometimes that is all we need during trying times.
What are you grateful for in life after narcissism?
One of the things I told my narcissist was that it never was about the money, the assets, the material possessions. My personal story revolved around my living legacy my 3 blessings and my greatest gifts. My heart and soul belong with my children and they are the reason for my existence.
Dealing with your emotions as they arise is so important on the journey. Recognize emotions as they come to be, and deal with them to your benefit suiting your own personal needs.
I’m grateful in that I’m stronger and wiser because of my experiences and I have a greater sense of awareness, compassion, and empathy than ever before.
Helping others both in volunteering and through writing is something I’d never thought would happen but I knew that telling my story and having others share their own would be beneficial for anyone dealing with the same. Victims need to have a voice and they need their voices heard. Never be afraid to tell your story. Your story is so important to all of us.
You hold the power and you determine how your story will end. Rewrite a new chapter and keep the focus on recovery in life after narcissism.
For me, this time occurred when I left with my 3 kids after he became physically abusive throwing me up against a plaster wall for asking a question. This wasn’t the first time but it was the last. The protection order was granted and support was ordered (though he refused to pay, ended up being arrested for violating the order, and a warrant was then issued with wages garnished). For victims it’s the hardest, the most critical and the dangerous , most vulnerable, and scariest time of their lives when leaving an abusive relationship. It’s also the most empowering, liberating, and the most considerate and thoughtful gift you can give to yourself because you are putting yourself first and your family as was my case.
I spent many sleepless nights and often 2nd guessed , asking why, and doubting my abilities in leaving but the alternative of staying and not seeing tomorrow far outweighed the fear of failure. I had given up my career for my family, and had nothing to fall back upon. So often victims are asked why did you stay? In my case and I’m sure in everyone’s we have similar stories. I was beyond afraid, he threatened me that nobody would believe me or my stories against him especially because he worked a block away from the White House, he had connections in government and local government, and he worked alongside these same people including the local police department and enforcement officers. Fear, retaliation, threats , emotional blackmail, enablers, loyal harem (groupies) and followers all supported him. The brainwashing of how awful I was, how incapable I was of supporting myself, and how I couldn’t amount to anything without him had taken its toll. I was exhausted in every form from 13 yrs of abuse, egg shells, doubts, fears, and living a life like a prisoner with ptsd and Stockholm . I had gained weight, sleep apnea, had eye twitches and stress related issues, had night sweats, was always sick, developed lockjaw, grinding teeth, losing hair, facial breakouts, inability to trust or even look someone in the eye and of course after learning of the multiple affairs and hidden adoptions had to be tested for std’s. My narcissists tried to convince me it was all my fault and that all his problems in life were a direct result of me being present. Every aspect of his life was my fault if it didn’t work out however, he graciously took credit for all my work that was achieved. I was drained of everything in all regard and was so desperate for attention, affection, love, and mutual understanding. I lived like a prisoner in my home and felt stuck in my situation.
To simply have a voice and a voice that could be validated was something I will never forget. To stand up and speak and tell my story and to know that with every breath I spoke those words might help others also relate in knowing they too were not alone, they too could tell their story, and they too are worthy of being validated was the only way I knew to give back . I had held tightly to the belief that someday I would find a way to support others in this same situation and give them an outlet in which they can express themselves freely and openly and no longer live in silence. To be able to give warning signs that even I with a Masters in Criminal Justice missed was a blessing. Victims should never blame themselves but should become knowledgeable about narcissism and the accompanying disorders and treatments that are interconnected. Professional help is available for anyone who needs it.
One of the biggest things that narcissists try to do is in convincing you that you are crazy which is quite laughable. I promise you not only are you not crazy but you are so much better than the narc and it’s because of your unique makeup and your high standards, and unique traits such as the ability to be empathetic, nurturing, and loving that the narc targeted you. For me, my ability to raise a family alone while he resided 5 states away with only weekend visits in which he walked in and out like a revolving door showed how much I was capable of doing. My ability to not only raise our family but acquire a MPA degree with high honors while he did everything in his power to make me barefoot and pregnant in his part to become dependent only added to my strength. My wish to put others needs before my own in volunteering for over 14 yrs made me his perfect target of choice. His wish to degrade , humiliate, chastise, berate from 5 states away with such precision and power showed me that his energy was solely upon bringing others down through negativity, constant criticisms, complaints, and moodiness was not how I was raised to lift others up and give a loving stable home. Keep in mind narcissists can be anyone, anywhere, of any age, race, color, or creed from any demographic and nationality.
You see you hold the power, you have the ability to say this is not how your story is going to be written, you hold the pen to rewrite your story anyway you choose. For me it was finding that strength within to do what was needed to change my situation. I walked away, but not without having to file bankruptcy after living a year off of credit cards to raise a family. I was left homeless, w/o income or employment, w/o assets or savings, w/o credit, with no plan B other than to keep moving forward in small steps with 3 minor kids. We lost everything we accumulated in the marriage, yet I was the happiest I ever have been. I would’ve rather lived in all honesty in a cardboard box, than deal with the abuse and torment any longer and I chose to live!
You see it’s not the material possessions, it’s not the education or the career, or the house. It never was about any material possessions, assets or wealth. For me it was about my living legacy (my kids) for which I stayed and for which I left and began to rebuild from nothing. I was angry yes, but I was also blessed to be given a 2nd chance to life. So many victims aren’t given that chance and their voices are now permanently silenced by their abuser. While leaving is a very hard time and the most dangerous time ( so please proceed with caution and have a safety plan in place by alerting the proper authorities), you need to know it’s the most important thing you can do for yourself and your inner health and well-being. You matter, your life matters, and you are important. You can overcome narcissism. You can uncover your true authentic self in life after narcissism. You can live a happy, healthy, more fulfilling life, by focusing on yourself and your needs. Make yourself a priority, stay safe, have a great support system, tell someone you trust, make your voice heard. Never give up, never stay silent, never allow someone else to take away your power. #innerhealing #health #happiness