Never Remain Silent About Narcissism~ Keep Telling Your Story

Trust victims when they tell you their stories of abuse~ I’ve found during my own personal struggles against narcissism and in telling my own story how truly difficult it becomes to simply have your voice heard. Highly regarded professionals such as lawyers, police, detectives, or judges must believe the victims. Often times friends or family find it’s difficult to process and understand just what you’ve experienced as a victim of abuse.

Regardless of how many times you’re discounted keep telling your story because you are helping others who are too afraid to speak out against violence. In my area my abuser was very well known, wealthy, had a high paying job, good career, highly involved in politics with numerous inside connections and networks, and heavy on donations to every charity from local colleges to local political parties. My narc always told me no one would believe my stories because of his wealth, power, prestige and yet it still didn’t stop me from telling my story. I knew somewhere, someone, in someway would one day have to sit down and hear me speak and acknowledge the truth about what happened behind closed doors. The evidence doesn’t lie, pictures of abuse, police reports, legal documentations, history of violence, it speaks volumes on the narcs behalf. I know what silence can do because I’ve had close friends die at the hands of their abusers and I didn’t want to become a statistic of domestic violence.

I spoke up and continue to speak because I know their are others out there all over the world that have similar stories, that have stayed with their abusers for a variety of reasons, and that are afraid to speak out. I speak because what happened to me is the truth, and because the courts often lack resources and knowledge about narcissism.
I speak because re-victimization occurs way too often and it needs to stop. I speak for those who can’t speak. I speak because narcissism is real, it isn’t a façade for the victim but reality and victims are suffering at the hands of their abusers~ Do not allow anyone to blame you, to try to make you think you are somehow the cause of the problem or worse you have narcissistic tendencies due to your involvement with a narc, or somehow that you are anything beyond normal because this is not the case.


I have a MPA degree the same degree as my narc and have worked alongside lawyers and public defenders. I graduated with high honors on the deans list and honors list, and belong to every high honor society organization. You cannot make the victim mentality up. There is no one on this planet that could make up this type of abuse with such vivid accuracy if they haven’t experienced such absurd, bizarre, behavior from the narc. ~Believe the victims their stories are real~Tell your stories and never be afraid to speak out against abuse~♥
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~The Emotionally Distant ~Family Portrait Boastful Narc~

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Personally my narc would pretend to be involved by taking pics of our children yet they were simply mere objects in his presence who never received a drop of his time nor attention nor unconditional love and support. Our narc caused our family to be homeless by refusing to pay support and utilities, refused to pay kids tuition/medical coverage, and refused to allow them a home to live or a vehicle for transportation or even provide a safety net for their future. He emptied all their college funds for all three children, mortgaged all the property, and sold off every asset.
It amazes me how a narc will use images to proclaim their connection with others. Mine used old family portraits especially those of higher status quo (military members)to classify himself as a normal proud boasting family member in reality he was an absent, emotional distant, withdrawn abusive man (which I use man loosely).
How could someone pretend to have a connection with people that he didn’t care about, that he couldn’t care if any family member lived or died? Recalling how he stated emphatically how no one did anything for him, yet I can state emphatically his mother gave everything she had to the narc (her only child). She gave her home, her pension (after her death) , her assets, her savings/checking, her material possessions and so too did every woman before her to the point of exhaustion. I recall vividly asking him to help shovel snow from her sidewalk yet he refused claiming she brought her ailment of lung cancer upon her because she smoked and was told by doctors to stop, so in her last dying days he refused to help her nor comfort her, and so she died without her son’s love ~ a hole in her heart~ I would suppose.
I cannot imagine the cruelty and heartlessness narcs have for their own flesh and blood. Placing a picture of a distant relative, parent, child(ren) or spouse doesn’t mean anything if A) you’re not in the picture with them and B) you have no connection to the subject matter in the picture. You can not simply place a photo of someone else and pretend to have involvement and make a connection when none exist.Upon his mothers passing he places a simple obituary remembrance in the paper yet where was he during her years of life was he truly there for anyone , did he truly give of himself to protect, love, nurture, provide, and assist his own family….truly sad.~

REQUIEM FOR A LOST MOTHER’S DAY BY NARC

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As you read my narcs ” Requiem for a Lost Mothers day” that follows this commentary please note : This was the one and only attempt at an apology. The narcs do not care for holidays or special events, this was left to me on the table after mothers day was over without thought of his wife and kids. However this one was his best foot forward effort at a apology and in a way validation at mirroring back to me everything I was feeling about him, all my work he took credit for, how I gave of myself to the point of exhaustion, the lack of intimacy in marriage, the lack of connection with kids and self. The most interesting thing about this letter was how he distanced himself in the writing from third person viewpoint. While reading you have to understand it was all a façade , a play of sorts, with his role as the master puppeteer. The narc appears at first glance to be sweet, caring, & CHARMING IN HONEYMOON PHASE (notice all the red flag moments charming, not spending money on others & courting women/harem and affairs) in his mind. Follow the words carefully and you will see the subtle clues. The wilted flowers never wilted he just never wanted to spend money on anyone but self so he’d ask for refunds and make up lies. Notice how he mentioned courting women ~ he failed to mention how this never stopped in marriage. Multiple affairs, and 2 hidden adoptions later. Notice no mention of my name rather reinforcing the words about a woman who for me is “THE ONE” (HUGE red flag#1) Notice the attempts at sounding romantic yet in person no kissing, hugging, holding hands or even sitting together in same room at once and no communication (2 ships/one sided). (red flag#2) Notice his idea of providing to family involved only work and providing just basics. What happened to having a relationship/marriage and focusing on needs of others? Remember you must make yourself available for a relationship and be present to provide unconditional love, nurturing, care, support, intimacy, communication, fidelity , faithfulness, commitment, trust, and protection. Notice how he “SWIFTLY consummated the relationship” “It did not seem RUSHED” (red flag #3). My narc then tried to PROJECT back to me by putting himself down with words like self centered and lashing out~MIRRORING back to me what he thought I felt.(red flag #4) Notice his comment about his wife being a KEEPER (red flag #5)  ie. “kept woman /business partner” (was his actual definition) . He then notes,” she combined BEAUTY with utter TENACITY and few women possessed both”).(red flag #6) . Remember they look and pray upon certain women with certain traits. Notice how he “blamed” circumstances around him rather than accept responsibility. (Red flag #7). Notice how he had no connection with subject matter such as noting “his charming little blonde daughter, three little ones, a woman” (Red flag #8)as mere objects and extensions . Proceeding to note how he didn’t take care of house nor help with kids and his STRONG wife took care of it all and gave him his space. (red flag #9).  Noticed he mentioned,” he might get depressed yet he’s a very optimistic person” in same sentence. (red flag#10). The up and down moments ~eggshells~. Notice the jekyll and hyde how he wakes up each moment to do good…I wish I could remember the good he did. (red flag #11) His admittance to not being warm and fuzzy, not a family oriented man is quite the understatement. (red flag #12) Prepare yourself for grand finale: “Truth is I am as married to my work as my wife…. I love to help people help themselves, I love to make communities better places to live with greater opportunity and comfort to everyone quoting a claim from Bobby Kennedy government belongs where EVIL needs an adversary and people in DISTRESS cannot help themselves.” (**Enter Narc Award here**). Notice the ending  how he quotes Kahlil Gibrans insight on love, and how love doesn’t mean togetherness nor fusion but rather a COLLABABORATION that makes each stronger and better together than apart. I must give my narc credit to note he fell short on intimacy but yet immediately blames, work, weather, & commuting. I must note he omitted his viewpoint on love and entered Kahlil Gibrans version. I suppose writing about someone you claim to love such as your wife and kids from an 11 yr marriage is a difficult process for a narc. It was certainly a struggle for him to pretend he was married, to gamely keep providing while noting in same breath how he never helped , never made self available, and never showed love or affection, and yet this was LOVE ~ oh wait~ BUT THAT WAS THE FALLACY !!!! signed  #  #  #  
 
~Requiem for a Lost Mother’s Day : By Narc~
I made an unforgiveable disaster of Mother’s Day.  Sentimentally aggrieved over failing to place an annual memorial on the newspaper’s obituary page the previous December, I sought redress when I read of a Mother’s Day tribute to be published in May. I found a nice old photo of my late mother and her only son, made sure it was published, and felt good about it. Only to totally forget to include a photo of my living wife with our children.  Abashed, the egregious oversight I thought could be assuaged through delivery of a unique floral display, or so it looked online.  Reality produced a comically small wilted mass that I demanded and obtained a refund for, but the moment was irretrievably lost. Yet would a photo in a newspaper or even a nice bouquet do justice to a woman, who for me, is “The One?” And short of these truthfully inane trite displays, how can I pridefully prove she is The One without violating tragic precepts in the style of Thomas Wolfe’s You Can’t Go Home Again?  That wonderful novel told the tale of an aspiring writer who used his hometown as inspiration, only to find its residents deeply unhappy with him for too truthfully showing them as they are.  But sometimes in seeking to avoid to offend you commit the sin of denying the truth, so the truth I shall expose. I first met her via a dating ad, back in the days when those weren’t yet online, but at the time I was too immersed in a new political career, and I vaguely recall the first date taking a detour to check on some constituents’ roads that were  being repaved, and the first date was the last. Then I went through a period of youth when I courted as many women as voters but was far less successful with the women than the electorate.  To wake up one day in my late twenties and find I had no one but desperately wanted to cast off the youthful indiscretions and establish a household and family.  Lying in bed in a luxury hotel at a conference in Washington, I awoke in the middle of the night and remembered her.  Unable to find a pen and paper, I carved her name in a bar of soap from the bathroom. It actually was that dramatic, as unbelievable as it seems. No email yet. A simple written letter, something today already as forgotten as stone tablets or scrolls. Frankly I doubted she remembered me and if she did the impression I must have made on that long ago date must have been terrible.  Yet I felt I had to try.   The only sure way to fail is to not try, and because I tried, I did not fail. She did in fact contact me. We did in fact go out and had a wonderful time and swiftly consummated our relationship. Strangely, it did not seem rushed at all, but “right.”  Thus my belief she was, “The One.” Even the baby seemed unsudden and right.  When she insisted on helping me prepare a nursery in a spare bedroom, we worked together, as partners, I was so pleased. How many times had females I was with expected me to do everything and never pitched in?   Tragedy nearly conquered. An emergency surgical delivery amid out of control bleeding left her whiter than the marble of a gravestone.  The little boy had almost intractable problems, a rare genetic condition that required repeated life-threatening newborn surgery to connect his throat to his stomach, while he also suffered from kidney problems and had minor skeletal fusions.  I never thought he would make it.  She on the other hand, literally willed him to life.  And in that little boy I saw her persistence and faith and from the fusion of us was born optimism.  Nearly ten years old now and I have never encountered a person as optimistic and persistent and kind as my own son. Born of the mother.  And the mother was the stronger of us. I failed in this crisis. She was like a rock. And that bred further love and devotion in me for her.   Sadly, my esteemed grandmother became terminally ill, although she had lived a long and healthy life and dying in your late eighties is more a celebration of life than a tragedy.  My grandmother, usually a hard judge of people, told me abruptly one day my wife to be was a keeper because she combined beauty with utter tenacity and few females possessed both.  The insight of 87 years, and the sole comment my grandmother ever afforded me on any of the young women I had been with.   I could not deal with women who make ridiculously expensive spectacles of weddings. This woman I chose made an amazingly affordable yet enviously memorable wedding in a sunset small ceremony on the beach of Grand Cayman in the Caribbean Sea.  Learning just hours before my grandmother had succumbed, I failed again. And again my woman held me up.   I could not catch a break. My relatively young mother, barely retired in her late 50s, was stricken with wasting fatal lung cancer just after I nearly lost my son, lost my grandmother, and due to a change in elected leadership, lost the town manager job that was my great accomplishment and daily challenge and joy. And of course the woman, now the wife was my support and extended a kindness to my mother I never expected in our hectic turmoil of establishing a household, caring for a medically challenged little boy and with a beautiful young female infant conceived in Grand Cayman now on scene, demanding time and sleepless nights. But my wife never faltered, allowing me to find a new job in faraway Washington and spend time rebuilding my position while she alone most of the time, managed our home, took care of the children and  provided patiently kind attention to my failing mother through her last days.   My horrible, traffic-clogged seven hour drive home upon learning of my mothers’ demise was one of the worst days of my life, but my wife remained calm and kept the house running and the children occupied as I did what needed to be done. And in my short sighted stupidity, I criticized my wife for not attending the frigid graveside service though in reality my wife was sad and did not want me to see her grief and as a mother was trying to protect her young children from truly terrible weather, but I just lashed out. And instead of being angry, she stood by me.  And it birthed in me greater love and devotion.
  Then came my charming little blonde daughter.  Now three little ones and again the strain of a newborn. And again my wonderful wife shouldered the load especially at the outset when in my weakness I was mired in depression over my mother and did not even take care of the house as I had, let alone helped with the kids. And my strong loving wife gave me my space.   Like anyone, I might sometimes get depressed, but I am a very optimistic person. I never give up, and I wake up each morning ready to do something good in the day. I would like to think my wife considers me as the girl considers the Colonol in Ernest Hemmingway’s Across the River and Into the Trees: “…the girl loved him because he had never been sad one waking morning… he had experienced anguish and sorrow. But he had never been sad in the morning. They make almost none like that, and the girl…knew one when she saw one…” Warm and fuzzy and family oriented I shall never be.  I was not raised in a large family. I am extremely problem-solving and goal oriented and don’t make small talk well. Truth is I am as married to my work as my wife and I am not ashamed of that.  I love to help people, I love to help people help themselves, I love to make communities better places to live with greater opportunity and comfort for everyone.  “Government belongs where evil needs an adversary and people in distress cannot help themselves,” Bobby Kennedy once said and I have always belonged to government.  But it’s hard to explain to a devoted wife and young children that they have to share you and I’ve always done an incredibly poor job. And I guess my love of long distance running does not help either, everyone remembers, “The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner.” Not exactly a family activity.   Yet I recall the insight on love in spoken in Kahlil Gibran’s beautiful work, The Prophet: “You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” And I think this is where many modern marriages fall into difficulty. Love does not mean being together all the time. Marriage is not a fusion, but rather a collaboration that makes each stronger and better together than apart. But while I fall sadly short on the intimacy,  I try make up by relentlessly providing.  I literally drive 500 miles a week to my faraway job, where I work 10+ hour days, and spend 2+ hours a day commuting. Then I come home, manage a rental property business, and relentlessly worked on renovating and repairing and improving our house.  I went deeply into personal debt to ensure the wife and kids had everything. And it was a struggle for me because as an only child I was used to accumulating things for myself and now I had to fight to think and do differently but I never said anything.   And I never said anything the days I was deeply tired and deeply depressed. Gamely I just kept at it, always providing.  It was my way of showing everyone how much I loved them.   But that was the fallacy.  Why would they necessarily have to believe my relentless providing was demonstrating love. In their eyes I fear the time I spent working was instead viewed as selfishly maniacal; that my work, not them, was my love, and the providing was merely a curious effect, not the expression of love. I forget the words of The Prophet on Giving:  “You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” I fell down again, but on this, my wife did not and could not help me.   And thus, Mother’s Day.  A day to celebrate The One which I turned into a debacle of self-centered uncaring.  There was nothing wrong with memorializing my mother; but honoring my wife should have come first.  There was nothing wrong with wanting to provide a unique bouquet; but the effort should have been made in person at a florist’s, not impersonally over the internet.  And above all, the need, however difficult for this remote impersonal man, to emote in person, in words, the sense of love, wonder and appreciation.  Or the requiem shall not be for a lost Mother’s Day, the requiem  shall be for love lost.
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Why Money Is The Root of Evil for The Narc~ Yet Victims Root is Love of Family

ImageLook at it from a different angle. The narcissist had nothing ventured nothing gained. You had everything invested including your heart and soul so yes it is hurtful and even more so if the narc was abusive/mind game warrior in every form. Many have asked how I made it out and the answer was this: I knew I had to protect myself and my kids after I was physically abused. I could no longer live like a “prisoner in my own home”. The fact I had no savings, income, employment, home,while my narc made threats about everything from removing me from our own home by way of constable to taking my car as marital assets , to not providing payments to live for that month non of it mattered it didn’t stop me from leaving. The fact I had no money, lost our home, lived off credit cards and had to pack 11 yrs of personal belongings alone with a bad back during daylight hours after our utilities were turned off didn’t stop me. The fact I lived off credit cards to raise a family of four one med disabled son awaiting arrearages over 15g’s while warrants and wages garnished against my ex narc didn’t stop me. You see even after having my kids college funds emptied of nearly 12g’s for all 3 accounts didn’t stop me. Why? Because I nearly died to have my kids. My son was born disabled and I had a placenta abruption. At that time in my life my ex spouse stated to pull the plug on our child (a huge red flag) yet I didn’t stop. Why? My kids are my life, my heart and my soul. The one thing he couldn’t do was destroy my soul. He wrongly assumed in his sick mind it was about $$ yet he failed to understand love of family trumps $$. Materials such as homes/cars/ assets are worth nothing if you have no heart , no love, no joy and no one to come home too. A house is just a house. So after a 4 yr divorce he took everything and we were left with a 7 yr old car with nearly 90g’s mileage and bankruptcy and yet I didn’t stop. You can never stop someone who refuses to give up. I’d never give my narc that satisfaction. When he tried convincing others that his spouse was crazy I produced my MPA degree I earned on my death bed after doctors told me I had 7% chance to live while my son struggled to live with 2% survival rate. I then reminded him of my dean’s list/honors list/ and every fraternity and award achieved for honors and personal achievements. I reminded him of just who did his work (while he resided five states away playing house with other women and only coming home for weekend visits for 13 yrs), ran his errands, placed his items on credit, and raised a family alone successfully while running a home alone and his rentals all while he took the credit. I created this site after years of living in fear, torment, abuse, neglect, and pain. I had no one to turn too, as no one understood the depth of narcissism.  I wouldn’t wish what happened to us to happen to even one more person. As for my narc I do not forgive him but I do forgive enough to let it go for my own personal healing and to be a productive/loving/nurturing mom to my children. I know the narc discarded/devalued w/o a second thought and so I sat and thought if he wouldn’t waste one last breath for his wife of 11 yrs  and his own kids then why would I let him rent space in my head?? You see the reason the narc targeted us in the 1st place was because we are everything he can never be, whether male or female the narcs will project back to you what they think we want to see. They are basically mirroring back to you what you put out there. So do as I did consider it a huge compliment that they wish they could be like you, move forward with your head held high in reserving your dignity, and know that the narcs actions speak volumes on their behalf w/o them even opening their mouths to utter the words. Save and document everything and show the true narc whether it’s by way of protection order, arrest papers, adoption paperwork, court records, support/alimony records, legal documents, txt messages to mistresses, garnishment records, warrants, pictures of abuse/damage to property, financial documents or whatever else you may have and let those documents speak on your behalf!! With love ‪#‎narcfree

The crazy odd behaviors of the narcissist

ImageQuestion how many of you experienced odd or strange behaviors from the narcissists? Of course I have too, and tried to find something related to this topic because it always made me curious as to why they acted so bizarre. For instance mine would turn his back and walk away in mid conversation, he would use chemicals while I was bathing or wood stain/paint in dead of winter w/o proper ventilation. He never answered your calls placed at work, and once home acted too busy to talk/have relationship like two ships passing in night/roommates rather than spouses, unless of course you were busy (that was perfect time). Never let anyone know we were married and near the end told me I was a “kept woman/business partner”.Never slept in bed unless he wanted something and would leave after his 30 min of fun for him (because of course that too was one sided). He never had face to face interaction, no expression, no affection. The only time I can recall holding hands was at our wedding (12 yrs ago), kissing was all but obsolete. Mine never walked with me side by side always blamed his foot problems yet he ran marathons? Go figure? He never wanted to be seen in public together, social outings were almost always out of the question, if he did go he acted immature, uncooperative, non communicative, expressionless to the point of wishing to go it alone. If you tried to discuss anything and it wasn’t going his way he’d throw temper tantrums like a two yr old and of course then the verbal accolades would come out. He was demeaning and would throw money at my feet knowing his family was dependent upon his income to live. Emotionally distant and reserved feeling superiority would result in our company having to wave their hands in front of him to garnish his attention. I’ve read on some sites that narcs also will just “appear” and mine was famous for it. I swear he tapped our phones/bugged our home because he always knew my next move especially when gathering evidence against him for divorce. He was very sneaky/secretive often hiding, never taking the same route when driving, never going from point A to point B, never allowed interior light to be on in the car at night. Lying was so commonplace even if just basics like what he wore to work that day. Never happy with mood swings that were beyond norm, never could relate to anyone on norm level, carry conversation, or joke with freely. He had no sense of romance, sex was a medial act, as he noted he could do it with anyone (robotic). He always would walk with clenched hands or shake his feet or hands claiming caffeine addiction? Never sat in same room together, ate together, or even on same couch together, if you were in the room at the time he’d walk out because of the loner persona, completely had no idea how to conduct normal relationship. Wined and dined the harem of women but treated me his wife like doormat material especially our kids. Never once held our children, showed up for their birth, or shown any affection such as holding hands, empathy, concern, or support. The few occasions times he attempted interaction with kids it was so bizarre. If raining you should hide under the table, kids should not have interaction but sit in front of tv or shop to buy their love, if room was cluttered from buying their love that was my fault, never played games with them, if on vacation (2 day limit) that I paid for he’d leave them in hotel with me. Oh yes vacays were for his enjoyment only! He simply packed his overnight bag, jumped in car, put head back while pretending to sleep to avoid communication, and was ready to go, all else was your job. His idea of food shopping or normal shopping together was hurrying inside w/o helping kids or gathering a cart, and run inside to wait for us to enter the store, while he would then get his coffee and read a magazine while you did all the work, and he’d like clockwork show up to pay and then leave so you could pack it up. He always seemed to look over his shoulder I assume this was do to the numerous affairs and adoptions he had with other married women that I learned occurred during divorce proceedings. Authoritative style, if he said “jump” you better do it. Everything he did was for his own self gain/benefit never concerned about anyone. The abuse was horrendous with every form imaginable including emotional, physical, verbal, psych, and financial.  Hired out help like water, felt it was beneath him even for basic household chores, taking garbage out, cutting grass, yard work, carrying groceries/appliances/air conditioners yet would claim after words no money to provide for his own family after doing these activities. I could write a novel on the odd behaviors….

Does the Narcissist ever think about his legacy?

ImageAs a survivor of an 11 yr marriage to a narc in which we had 3 beautiful kids (one med disabled) I often wondered this question,”Just what is his legacy and does he care?” As a masters graduate I consider myself to be highly intellectual and searched endlessly online to address this issue. While finding many articles about the destructive patterns left behind I found nothing to describe the legacy of the narcissist from his view. So I give you my personal experience to fall back on in hopes it may shed some light not only on his legacy but his own family dynamics as an only child , raised by a single divorced mom, with apparently an abusive father and strict live in grandmother. I recall when my ex narc first decided to marry and had asked his grandmother what she felt about me, she noted I was a beautiful woman , strong, intelligent, with utter tenacity that many women do not possess these days. With that my ex narc knew he had a great “target/supply” as he never would call me his wife but rather his “kept woman” and “business partner”. I learned through the first few years this family had many hidden secrets, including alcoholics, abusive backgrounds, sexual promiscuity and promiscuous business dealings, as well as many skeletons in their closets that they kept to themselves. After 7 yrs and the itch that apparently comes at that milestone I began to sense something was off in our marriage. Hidden agendas (late night get together dinner meetings), single lifestyles, financial concerns, marital concerns, child rearing concerns, and the infamous other women (affairs, hidden adoptions (2) and countless text messages with female co-workers). The worst thing to do to a narc is question the behavior because the wrath you’re subjected to is enormous. I suffered every form of abuse and because I was dependent upon his income (gave up career to raise kids) it afforded him every control including financial control. Begging for money from an only child not used to sharing was the most degrading form of humiliation. As time progressed and truths manifested and abuse became severe I abruptly left, taking the kids to a safe haven, filing a protection order ,and subsequently support. My 3 kids and I lived nearly 2 yrs without support, no income, no assistance. We eventually had to garnish wages, issue warrants, and contempt charges, and then have him arrested for violating the protection order. Fast forward four years later, three atttorneys including bankruptcy, and a long drawn out divorce ,and you will just hit the tip of the iceberg. He fought me relentlessly for everything and took it all in the end. After 11 yrs of sacrificing my career to further his own, after raising kids for 13 yrs alone while he resided five states away with only weekend visits we divorced and I was left devalued and discarded with absolutely nothing to show for my years of hard work and labor. He took our only home/rentals (mortgaged to the max) he sold off our assets, emptied bank accounts, even our childrens college fund was wiped clean nearly 12,000 dollars worth for three kids. He even attempted to take our only vehicle I used for transportation purposes to and from school, doctors visits and hospital stays. In the course of it all I asked myself often one word “WHY”?. What had I done to deserve such hatred and animosity? I gave this man everything I had, so much so, I had to have surgery for a ganglion cysts on my wrist from working so hard , and had 3 degenerative disks in lower back and vertigo. I never expected sympathy but I sure did think he would help out, give unconditional love and help raise our family. The devalue and discard was so difficult to endure. Yet I knew I raised a family alone, had 3 great kids who performed well in social settings and school, had control of MY finances, and had no problem relating to others, even obtaining my masters prior to giving birth. Yet something was missing. I once asked my spouse about his legacy after learning of his affairs, adulterous ways, and hidden life/secrets. His response was not what you’d think from a normal person. He rarely spoke and if you had to communicate he would turn his back to you and not look you in the eye. He wrote love poems and spoke in the third person as if I was just a figment of his imagination . His emotional distance and disconnect was mind boggling to me, I couldn’t comprehend how a father of three could simply walk into a hospital room look at his newborn child and mother of his child and walk out claiming he had work to do and was always busy. It floored me when my disabled son was born, having spent two months in nicu/intensive care, and yet he never once showed up. I later learned he had given up a child for adoption while we were married just one day prior to our 2nd childs birth but yet it still never added up. He would speak so negatively about his own mother and family. Claims such as his mother was never around, and never did anything for him was a blatant lie. After marriage we began living together it was then the truth surfaced about his”mom” and she was the sweetest most loving caring attentive woman on this planet. So why then did he make up this story of neglect? Most likely for his own self image, boost his own ego, sympathy vote from me his target. However, he never did answer my question, what is his legacy? I asked this time and time again, because upon getting older now early 40’s I felt it was time with our children to focus on our future. He never did, he lived for him, his focus was him, his wife and his kids are mere extensions of himself. You see narcs simply are fixated on themselves. They don’t care the destruction and turmoil left behind. They will devalue and discard on a moments notice and have the new supply waiting in line before you even leave. What puzzled me was the lack of remorse, empathy, concern for others. My husbands mother did it all for him right up till the day she died. She cooked, cleaned, paid his bills, (heck she bought our engagement rings, paid for his groceries, paid for a portion of our wedding) she ran his errands, put a roof over his head, and even on her deathbed she gave him her home, her pension, her car and every asset, even her money left aside in her checking and wrote explicitly in full detail where to go, and how to go about receiving the funds and assets she worked so hard to obtain. Yet he was so full of hatred against women that he never had a kind word to say about any women in his years. All his ex’s including myself are considered crazy, money hungry, and not worthy of this man who needs pedestal placement. I recall his mom on the last days of her life, on oxygen from years of smoking, struggling to breath, yet he still refused to help her. He stated she brought it upon herself by smoking, she was told to stop and didn’t therefore she deserved to suffer. I was in tears, as she was a beautiful women inside and out. How could you not help your own mother, especially after she raised you alone and gave everything to him (her only child). During a recent snowstorm he flat out refused to shovel her sidewalk knowing she couldn’t come out and do it herself , yet I was pregnant and did the job for her. Just sick, plain sick. What was more confusing is the idea of posting images of his family as if he had a personal connection. Ergo back to the logic of his legacy? What is your legacy if you are emotionally distant from everyone while only showing as façade to others, and have no truth in your life. If your whole life is a complete lie how do you leave a legacy? I wondered is his legacy the multiple affairs, the abuse his wife and kids suffered, is it his walking out upon us, his avoidance of responsibility to raise and support a family, his lack of success, financial problems, and using others to further his own agenda? The sickest thing he stated was how he showed love by providing for us but only the three basics (food, clothing, shelter) as if we didn’t need to feel an emotional connection, we didn’t need love , affection, attention, or communication? How can you not think about the destruction you caused and the lives you’ve ripped apart? I suppose placing pictures of loved ones is good for self image/self promotion to others, but how can you plaster up thousands of pictures of your family on your walls at home, in your office, or in your wallet you carry daily if your not connected to them in any way? How can you hate your parent while they are alive saying negative disparaging words yet after death show remembrance of their life by posting their remembrance photos in the local newspapers? Should you not appreciate and value others while they are alive? Should family not be your number one priority in one’s hectic busy lifestyle? I suppose since I’m not a narcissist I will never know the answer as to what his lasting legacy will be, as I’m sure he has written us out of the will, he took our home/rentals and everything we once built together, he cancelled our life insurance policy, and refused to provide support/alimony/tution/ medical coverage for us, yet the question will forever be there for him to answer one day,” what is your legacy?”…  I can assure you I know the depth of the pain, the abuse, and my children will forever be scarred because of his narc rages. Will his legacy be to rule in fear/terror/threats/ intimidation/authoritative/ militaristic style? I pray the children (however many that exist) that he gave up selfishly for adoption know that they were better off, and I pray one day they may receive the answer as to why? These children two of which I’m aware of plus my three deserve to know and make their own judgment call. As for me I have moved on with my children, we have been narc free 4 yrs and still recovering. Thank god I got out, escaped the abuse, and can now openly tell my story. I pray my story will help other narc survivors understand it’s the narcs problem not yours. Give the emotions back to the rightful owner and let it go. Heal yourself and stay strong. xoxo

Discard and Devalue

ImageDealing with the aftermath is never easy. However understanding your emotions, allowing yourself time to heal, and proper placement of the narcs behavior can help. Give the emotions back to the rightful owner. You are only responsible for your own actions not the narcs!! The narc discarded and devalued with the idea that targets would then stay in this mental frame of mind, revictimizing themselves long after they leave. Once a victim realizes this they then can begin to heal, take the apology never given, and accept what happened. Knowing you can’t change the past helps you to concentrate on building a new future. Rather than play into the narc mind game I learned to reverse the process and outwit and outsmart the narc at every turn. Narcs can’t twist facts when legal documents exists. Narcs believe their above the law, superior human beings. However the wheels of justice will eventually catch up. Document everything because it’s the best way to showcase the true narc! They may run from those they discarded and devalued but they cannot hide and discredit the paper trail of destruction that speaks volumes on their behalf! #MPAdegree

Time To Move On ~Narc Free~

ImageIt’s time to move on when you have to hide the actions and behaviors of the narc from friends or family. When you have to make excuses for their behavior, have lost your independence/freedom/voice/confidence. If you feel your are constantly being watched/explain away your actions because of narcs insecurities within themselves, when you have to constantly “meet” the needs of another rather than them trying to meet your own. When you have to “LOWER” your standards and lose your sense of self. When you have more negative than positive, more unhappiness than happiness, more hate than love, it’s time to go.When the relationship goes downhill rather than up by remaining stagnant rather than growing, when you look forward to them leaving rather than coming, when you get that anxious pit in your stomach not knowing what is coming next/fearful/hurt/angered/depressed, when you fear abuse of every form while living as a prisoner in your own home, when you you live in daily fear of retribution/looking over your shoulder, when you are no longer appreciated but ignored. When your work becomes his/her credits, when you do manual physical labor and he/she hires household work out to the layman, when help/assistance becomes obsolete, and your personal health/safety/well being is ignored, when you no longer are a priority but an option. When you are married and he/she lives as single and the two of you no longer work as a team, when you lose the trust/communication/respect for one another it’s time to go! Add your own to the list but you will know when it’s time!!

Chameleons

ImageThe funny thing about this is they actually believe their lies. Narcs are wonderful cons/chameleons. They can fluctuate with the wind to suit any need at a moments notice. They are cool, calm, calculated always scheming/planning/looking for next supply after the current one becomes depleted/exhausted. What is ironic is how the narc takes credit for all your hard work/dedication. Personally even with my MPA degree, high honors, deans’ list, honors list, and every award on the planet the narc still tried to play the mind games. When it didn’t work, I turned the game around by outwitting him at his own game. Amazing how they think everyone will just accept them at face value without ever questioning their motives. Never stay quiet, because the truth is always better than the well dressed lie. Never make them think they have the upper hand, because the ball is always in your court. You do not have to remain silent. Documentation is the best form of defense, as well as educating yourself against narcissism. Set up the boundaries and maintain a no contact policy if able. If violence is an issue file a protection order or seek immediate shelter or contact local domestic violence agency. Looking back I laugh, because what he failed to tell others is that I managed to raise 3 kids alone (who are wonderful loving kids with great grades in school)while he resided five states away for 13 yrs. with weekend visits. I tended to a 3story(4bed/3bath) home that had maid service before I moved in as well as a professional landscaper (guess who took both of those new titles) as well as helped effectively run our rental business. I raised a medically disabled son alone even though it was requested I have a nurse on site daily and had to drive nearly two hours for frequent check ups/surgeries at local children’s hospital. Amazing the accomplishments one person can achieve absent of the narc. Crazy? Nope Just SMART!See More
 

Master Puppeteers

ImageNarcissists are like a bottomless hole. The more you sacrifice the more is expected from you and the more they take without ever giving in return. They will devalue and discard without a moments notice and will have a new supply waiting before you even leave the relationship. Narcissist are master puppets and cons and will use whatever tactic available(gaslighting, blaming, triangulation, love bombing) and all forms of abuse(physical, verbal, emotional, psychological and financial)to to get you to be submissive and dependent upon them. They are sick twisted individuals who use mind games, threat, intimidation, fear, blame to get targets to be at their beckon call servicing their every need. Victims are left confused, hurt, anger, betrayed, emotionally withdrawn and physically exhausted from trying to do it all for their narc, while the narc simply walks away without regret or remorse for the trail of destruction left behind. NO ONE is immune from the narcs wrath. It takes years of recovery to overcome the torment, torture, and abuse that was wrongly placed upon the victims. Having supportive friends/family/support groups does help, as well as having a good nest egg to fall back upon especially for emergency purposes. In order to recover you need to heal internally first by focusing on your needs, owning what happened, and doing what is best for you which stands to reason you must let it go and release the emotions the narc placed upon you. They don’t belong to you as this is their problem and their behavior. You cannot be held responsible for anyone’s action but your own (remember this). Their is light and love at the end of the tunnel if your willing to leave your comfort zone and the stale/stagnant one sided relationship with the narc. Once in recovery you will find that breaking up with the narc and letting go is the greatest gift you could’ve given to yourself.