Value Human Interaction ~ The Official Break up Letter to My Narcissist

gm11Here is my email to my narc upon ending our 11 yr marriage with a 13 yr relationship. I located this after searching through our emails to help others on my page The Lost Self Life After Narcissism on Facebook. Here is what my original email stated as I hope this helps others to understand that living with a narcissist is a lonely existence and that narcissist never change they may only alter their behavior but the end result is years of abuse of every form and a lost self full of a trail of lies and destruction.

I am providing this as a learning tool for others and to show the relationship between victims and narcissists. This is meant to educate and help others to heal and overcome narcissism.

2/6/11 : What amazes me the most is the attention to others, the calls to others, the willingness to work with them and become involved with them (girlfriends) all while telling me your not warm and fuzzy, not a family man, never will be, yet how did these relationships seem to flourish for so long without my knowledge and the pics I have located with each and everyone of them, think of how as your wife I must have felt seeing them, your arm and arm, holding a love child you gave up for adoption after we married, when I gave up so much to bear your child/children? I almost died, I bled to death, I had a placenta abruption and was told I would be fine, and I wasn’t fine. I was dying, it was my mom, who begged and pleaded that I be provided a blood transfusion saving my life, the very same woman who saved our son from aspirating if she had fed him the days she was authorized to do such by superiors it would have went into his lung , his esophagus wasn’t formed and was later fused together. In fact she quit her job and didn’t  receive a pension because they refused to give her time off to see our son in the nicu and to help me daily with his care, and I never told you because you never showed a care for her or I …but you asked why she never got a pension and this is why…so now you know.

I further will state you say I’m bitter, how would you feel if you spent ten years of your life being alone, raising kids alone, having a husband who showed not a slightest bit of interest in you whatsoever but yet worked and felt money was far more superior than his presence, his love, his commitment to our marriage? Shouldn’t you have put forth some effort into us? When have we gone out together, kissed, hugged, held hands, shared intimate moments, any of the normal things couples do ? I honestly can say after we married and we went to Florida and you stated you only married to have kids due to me having big hips, and then later told me how I’m a kept woman a business partner this to you is something you say to a spouse? Or better how often you left me in hotel alone with child only to be told, I’ll be right back and weren’t for hours later, especially the night in cayman on an island the size of a prune? Or imagine being told you went running on of all days our honeymoon, when most couples would be sharing intimate moments you went running, only to have me find you hours later lounging at a pool, and you then asked why I was upset on our honeymoon? Or better being constantly left alone in hotels with kids, while you ran out to bookstores, shopping, for bagels, coffee, this is your idea of fun for family?

How about finding out about questionable websites, dating sites and online questionable material ten years later? Not to mention the abuse in all forms, physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, and you have yourself one heck of a marriage…and while I had to use self defense you try to claim abuse? Or when upon asking for five dollars to take kids for a simple ice cream when you know you made 133,000 you stated time and time again no money, yet ran out to buy tools at lowe’s/pay workers 13-20 per hour to run with you and then went food shopping for self?

I would never take you back because for you it’s all about being the “winner” , keeping your “assets”, retaining your “money”, being in “control” of it all for me it’s about something much deeper than all that. Its about love, commitment, honor, respect, truth, family, priorities, accountabilities, responsibilities, sharing, RESPECT, and to me I don’t think this is something you will understand because your simply on a one track mind of thinking and it appears difficult for you to not only hear me, but talk to me, listen to me, take my ideas into account, or even respect me enough to not hang up, curse me out, or call me vulgar names or for that matter sit down and discuss it and not walk in circles room to room.

You have always stated how I never worked with you. I gave up my life for you, my career for you, I worked to the point I now have 3 degenerative disks, ganglion cysts from repetitive movement on wrists and of course pre-cancerous lesions. I have always been there for you, running to hospitals, calling on phones, only to be constantly pushed aside, not now, too busy, maybe later, can’t make long distance…do you not recall when pregnant I continued to do my masters, to make sure I wasn’t left barefoot/pregnant..yet when I needed you, you abandoned me to the point I had to call an ambulance to be brought in from my own driveway after you left me outside in our car, from having side effects from surgery/anesthesia being too strong, and your response was to wait here till your mom comes to get you as you’re going running.

Please think of how this feels to someone who at one point truly cared, deeply loved, and honestly would’ve done anything for her husband and her family. Think of the devastation upon first hearing of a divorce two years upon being newly married only to have it repeat the pattern year after year. Think about doing all the above alone, and to be crucified for every cent spent and accounted for every cent on registers, who does this to someone they supposedly love? Think about someone telling you to pull your car over and call your spouse to request use of there very own credit card? Seem normal? Or better being told you don’t participate yet when you request your told you don’t know how, you never dealt with rentals, you have no knowledge of quicken, nor would you involve me in any financial decision yet somehow I should be knowledgeable of every bill ,the amount, and be aware of what is do and when without being prevy to this information. Exclusion was common in many forms in our relationship especially with finances, bills, taxes, and of course outside events/relationships/work.

Think of how it feels to get dressed up in sexy lingerie (going outside of my comfort zone) , or better no clothes, send cookies, and sexy emails only to be ignored upon arrival home? Think of what it might feel like to have this done relentlessly for ten years… I have never bought new outfits, or anything for self in ten years. I have only purchased thrift store. I walked whenever possible to save , used coupons to make purchases, never shopped retail, and this to you is splurging for the family? When I told others I recycled cans to buy happy meals and then found out the amount of money you made I was floored. I picked out of garbage cans to make ends meet, walked with a picker grabbing cans off streets, and would have relatives/neighbors save cans to get a dollar and you made how much? I then would recycle used thrift store clothes to make a few dollars only to be asked to give you the few dollars I made? You can’t imagine how this makes one feel. You mentioned to me white trash and I guess that’s what you felt I amounted too. You laughed at me for doing all the physical labor yet I had no idea the money you made none. I guess to you this behavior is hilarious, but my body can tell you it wasn’t. Yet you never offered once to help or offered to get someone else to help. Ironically if you had to hire someone though it was no problem.

Think of how  it must feel to be ignored knowing your attention and focus was elsewhere. But where and on whom? I might never know? I can’t understand why you married. I may never know why you used me and threw me out with nothing but the clothes on my back but I assure you I worked like I did not for a home, not for assets, not for another notch on the belt, or for self worth, recognition, or some type of status quo and not for money but for us and our family.

I just can’t fathom how I could’ve been so blind to what you have been obviously planning for so long? Not just this year, this has been going on for better part of six years. It’s like being married to a con and being fooled for so long…I thought I was doing all this for us?

I have come to realize that I couldn’t have given any more, I did my best, I gave my all. I can’t make you have feelings for me when I honestly believe non existed from the start. I honestly feel you married because your mom liked me, she wanted to see you settle down after keeping notes of all the girls you dated and types of girls, and she paid for it to happen. I believe you wanted to do what was right for our son, and felt you might have owed me this much. I don’t believe love was then or is now a factor in that decision. Regardless of the outcome I have stuck to my vows and honored what I hold deeply.

I am very hurt by your comments of I did it for the house, I removed you from our home, I took your kids for three months and or that you lost your job. The truth of the matter is your actions caused my results. Admitting it to your aunt was great, but denying this to me isn’t. I also know your divorce is based on anger and I hope you get over your anger and hatred for me.

A protection from abuse was issued because of your actions that evening and in conjunction with every aspect of abuse and for previous occurrences in which police were called and you were removed, and while I cannot fathom why you did it I can only believe you wanted out so baldly you didn’t care what you did to get out. I believe there was no other option. I had already called police on prior instances of similar fashion and had you removed. I was concerned it was escalating and concerned for my safety and for those whom I have a legal right to protect. Someday I hope you understand this and get the help you need. I also hope you understand by calling my cell and stating if you didn’t see the kids you would press legal action, and wouldn’t provide me money to live was a very hard thing to hear when you knew we depended upon you. I would’ve never have cut you off financially and left you for dead, but I guess you did what you felt you had to do and in doing such created further harm to myself and our kids financially if nothing else. I then don’t understand why you would then seek help w/o involving me when a relationship involves two people with two opinions but the letter you wrote at least made me realize I was being heard for first time in years.

Why you never ate with me, sat with me, slept with me, came to bed with me, spent time with me, called me, loved me, hugged me, kissed me, caressed me, supported me, or ever assisted me is something I will never understand. Isn’t this what a marriage is about?

How can anyone simply use someone to have children, have sex, and leave them with “how’s it feel to be used” is so sickening and hurtful that I have no words to express it.

Then to find out you are more concerned about the home, the assets, the money, the wealth, … then myself or our children’s welfare is even more disheartening.

You keep stating how “I” planned this all? However, I could’ve never planned for what you did that night, nor could I ever dreamt of the outcome. We lived off credit cards for over a year and were forced upon public assistance. Four people living on less than seven hundred a month. Two attorneys later.  Being told the house I worked so hard for will never be mine. The rentals never be mine. The workload not less  but more, the money not more but less, and to add insult I’m now told  “how’s it feel to be used” … ???

Well it feels good to raise three kids alone. To successfully have an honor roll student, superb dancer, and excellent swimmer and to have a child whom everyone said would never make it and did.  A child whom was told would need physical therapy for rest of life, speech therapy, be developmentally delayed based on preemie status to now be in school in which he’s getting A’s and B’s. I believe some credit goes to teachers/doctors  and the remainder can only be attributed to myself and those whom assisted with him. I can’t tell you the gratification I have in knowing I went into debt for them and YOU and I would do it all again if given the same circumstances. They are only young once. They are at an age they don’t want to be with parents all the time and they are breaking out into wonderful young adults. I am very proud of them all, and very proud of my accomplishments and saddened that you never experienced or shared in it. I hope someday you feel family is more a legacy then a dependent a financial obligation and a detriment as you so often stated. I hope someday you can find a sense of healing, and know that the world is not out to get you. I hope someday you realize how deeply I loved you and how much I gave up for you. How it kills me to sit here this day and even type this, realizing I meant nothing to you was nothing more than ” eye candy” .

I hope someday you understand that blaming others for your actions isn’t the answer. But owning up to responsibility , being accountable is much more noteworthy response. While I’m sure your very upset and angered at the results the outcome could’ve been much different had you simply walked away that evening or kept your hands to yourself. I also wonder if you had opened up and worked with me and shared more intimate moments as a couple how different our marriage might have been.

You had all the qualities that I ever wanted : intelligent, hard working determined, attractive, strong, yet there was never an “US”. There was no marriage other than procreation. There was no relationship between us.. and for that I’m deeply saddened. I have never felt so alone, so used, and now so upset for being so foolish as to give my all and receive lil to nothing in return.

More importantly I so wanted to simply be given love, to be shown affection, to be told how much I was appreciated and yet the harder I worked the more you walked out and the less you showed me and the more you gravitated towards others outside the relationship. I can’t imagine doing anything differently, I honestly can’t. I don’t know why you were so cold, withdrawn, disinterested, disconnected with me. I can only say I never married for nor wished to exit what you state.

I have done my best in all regards. While deeply saddened at your current state of mind I hope someday you see my point of view and realize you gave me no other choice . You would’ve done the same and unfortunately, my self worth, self respect, and dignity far surpasses any money, assets, or materialistic goods that you or any court of law could ever provide.

You entered into divorce, you filed the divorce, you will exit out with divorce. I hope you find whatever and whomever it might be that will do more, give more, and be more than apparently what I was not, nor will ever be to you, in your eyes only.

~The pro con narcissist and the ponzi scheme~

ImageHave you ever wondered how you ever fell for the pitiful sob story that the narcissist tells everyone? The one where they are the victims , they have fallen on hard times, they have so much potential if only their luck was better?

As a victim and now survivor ( 4 yrs narc free) I can recall so many empty promises, broken dreams, and financial disasters. Upon marriage I never questioned our finances as I assumed my spouse was taking care of business. He was the financial bread winner and I was the dutiful homemaker and we agreed I’d stay home to raise our family.

As time went on I noticed many discrepancies in our finances. Bills not being paid or late, bills in my name for items not ordered nor requested, missing funds, quicken accounts that were always in the negative as if no money was ever available. How could anyone use another for simply their money or the benefits and then walk away? Enter the narcissist here as they feel they are superior. The marriage was simply a piece of paper and as a wife I was considered the kept woman and business partner. So this title I was given by my narcissist had me wondering business partner? Interesting when you figure I never had been granted permission to view our finances, to see any bills, or to know what came in or went out from our residence. I was kept in the dark to all matters involving finances yet somehow I was considered a business partner so how could this be?

Fast forward 13 yrs later when our marriage dissolved and you begin to see the well orchestrated , well planned, well manipulated plan come to light. Much like the Ponzi scheme my narc would lead me to believe our future was bright , we were building what he felt was a foundation to success accompanied with empty promises and my funds. What he failed to tell me was it was all a scheme to rid me of my very last cent and then I’d be discarded and devalued after I was exhausted trying to maintain the masterpiece of housework, wife , motherly duties. When I no longer could provide after I was maxed out and physically sick and exhausted he packed up and moved on to the next supply.

Upon filing a protection order we later divorced and during this 4 yr process I was left bankrupt and homeless and relying upon public assistance to support our family. I had to file for any and all assistance including housing, public, food, heat, and medical. I felt much like the victims from a Ponzi scheme as only the person at the top becomes rich while the others who fell for the lies of wealth, power, and prestige become poor. Taking from one victim to give to the next was a full time business and their was no shortage of new supplies to fill the need. The cycle continues until eventually the pro cons are caught. The enablers and loyal harem of followers are always present to give a helping hand.

You see I believed in the dream of planning for our future together. I believed and trusted in a man who said he was my husband and silly me thought he was my protector , my partner, someone I could confide in and love. Little did I know the plan was set in place as soon as I said hello. Narcissist target their victims and search for those with low self esteem and those they feel they can win over. Never feeling loved as an only girl growing up with 3 brothers, in a rural area with very lil friends, which made me a prime target. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents nor my family and to keep me silent wasn’t that big of a deal for him. To think that when he stated he had discussed the matter with his attorney the specifics of what I’d receive had I left only confirmed my suspicions. While he executed the plan with full precision he left no one immune to his wrath. He emptied every account, sold off every asset, mortgaged every property, emptied our 3 kids college funds of over 10 thousand dollars, took our only home and tried to take our only car. We were left with nothing and had to fight the legal system garnishing wages to get support and alimony. We never received alimony and our support was very little. We received only $778.84 for a family of four after he accrued over 15 thousand in arrearages while we lived on credit cards for over a year even though we showed direct deposits and one time payments using his own bank statements showing over $26 thousand in one time payments came to him during the time his wife and three kids (one child med disabled) went homeless and without income.

Just like the Ponzi scheme I believed in the lies, the beliefs of working toward a common goal and so I provided for my family when he claimed he couldn’t to survive even though I had no employment for the past 13 yrs. The pro con narcissist will take from their victims until they have nothing more to give and then will discard and devalue and move on without hesitation to the next victim that they already have lined up in waiting. As a wife of 11 yr marriage I was considered nothing more than a business partner and a kept woman.

Ironically I didn’t know how much of a business partner I was since I never seen nor signed not one federal tax in entire marriage. I never once seen our finances nor was allowed to have information relevant to our bills or finances. My narcissists kept everything hidden much like in a Ponzi scheme and never shared information even when questioned. I can say with certainty he knew what he was doing, knew the right words to say and the right actions to accomplish the greatest amount of funds and was very good at using others his entire life. When you marry you don’t think for one second that the person you married is out to get you, is planning your demise, is planning to use and abuse and walk away but with a narc you can be sure this is exactly the plan. They leave a trail of destruction behind and have enablers and loyal harem of followers that help them carry out the Ponzi scheme to the end. Only the person at the top makes the riches. Those that enter the scheme are left to pick up the pieces, repair their battered lives, and move on feeling lost and empty. You do not need to be married to experience the scheme as they will use anyone to their benefit and often money is involved. Whether a co worker, family member, friend, mutual partner, sexual partner, or acquaintance you can be sure the narcissist is only focused on what you can provide for them and how they can go about taking without ever giving in return. Beware of the narcissist who seem to blame the world, their past, or their prior relationships for their problems because these are red flags that can never result in a happy ending.

The Narc Harem~Groupies

A narcissist is similar to a hoarder in that they collect people not things. They view people as objects, meant to be used, they serve as either a supply, potential supply, or they have no purpose. A narc has a laundry list of people that he/she can manipulate to get exactly what they need. The Narcissist harem is comprised of ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends and women who wish to be his girlfriend. Coworkers, friends and family are also included on their list. Basically anyone who will boast their sense of superiority and ego by placing them on a pedestal. A narc will always keep all options open never truly closing or ending any past relationships. Often the harem or as I like to call them “groupies” will stop at nothing to get with the narc, even selling themselves short. It’s rare harem members know one another. The notes that the victims could share would come crashing down on the narc if harem members knew of each other. Secrecy is the golden rule. The cycle works by finding a new target, placing the old targets on standby feeding them crumbs until needed and then bouncing between the two if need to in order to have a full supply.

Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

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Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

As a survivor of narcissism, silence/disassociation was the only way to cope. Fast forward 13 yrs later after an 11 yr marriage to the narc, and not only did things not become better, they became much worse. Left without a home, income, support, or any means to survive while raising 3 children alone and facing mounting financial problems(bankruptcy)associated with a lengthy 4 yr divorce battle with my narc and you will just begin to hit the tip of the iceberg. I found myself questioning how it would even be possible and questioned where to even begin the process. My narc discarded our family without hesitation. Refusal to pay support, tuition, medical, or anything to deal with the family he just left behind became common place. Warrants, wage garnishments, contempt of court actions, icc violation/arrest ,arrearages, protection from abuse orders, police reports, court hearings, probation, anger management, alcohol and drug programs soon became the new norm for my narc. Through love and support of friends and family I found my way, but it was no easy task. Please don’t make the common mistake of being compliant and being provided less than what you deserve.The narc is incapable of providing what a loving healthy relationship needs in order to thrive and grow. You cannot change someone who doesn’t believe they have a problem. You will never receive that apology or that explanation you need to validate their actions and you will simply waste your precious time and energy, while putting your own life , health, and future in jeopardy. Narcs will ruin your mere existence slowly taking every last piece till their is nothing left. Do not wait till you’re totally depleted before leaving such a hostile/volatile situation. Educate yourself and become knowledgeable, focus on you, establish healthy boundaries, and maintain no contact in the future.

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Why Targets Love Narcissists

Have you ever wondered why selfish, arrogant, and entitled individuals are so charming? These narcissistic people have parasitic effects on society. When in charge of companies they commit fraud, demoralize employees, and devalue stock. When in charge of countries they increase poverty, violence, and death rates. How do they do this? Well for starters they dress the part. They care a lot about appearance and dress to impress signaling a “status” that makes them attractive. Narcissists are experts at manipulating blame to go in their favor. They will take credit for others work and will appear to be a hard worker. When things go right they are present, when things are going poorly they are no where to be found, and abandon the situation placing blame on anyone other than themselves. Because they focus on power, control, and winning at all costs they are able to take leadership roles with ease. Character traits like charismatic, overconfident, and selfish are the perfect recipe for leadership roles. When dealing with charismatic individuals, a good rule of thumb is to delay making decisions — whether to hire that person, promote them, or take them on as clients — until you work out who they really are. Not all charismatic people are narcissistic, but many narcissists are charismatic, and the more charismatic they are, the more time it takes to spot them

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Characteristics of the victim of narcissists

Have you ever felt nothing you do is good enough, have you had to walk on eggshells feeling anxious, making up excuses for the narcs behavior, or finding yourself feeling empty, depressed, or just not quite yourself? These are just some signs of the aftermath of being with a narc. Others may not even know that this is happening to you because often targets feel blame, embarrassment, or simply explain away the narcs true behavior to friends and family. Narcs enjoy limiting your communication with others, narcs are experts at accusing you of actions they themselves are doing and in time you find yourself requesting validation, acknowledgement, or permission to simply have a life outside of the narcs constant need for attention and support. My own personal experience was in feeling like I was a prisoner in my own home, as my narc would monitor my every behavior. My narc made more false accusations than I could ever dreamt possible, and would constantly have you walking on eggshells. He enjoyed leaving notes explaining what needed to be done when he was away from home, and expressing his angered feelings on occasions without ever having open dialogue or communication. Always spoke to me in the third person especially when writing a love poem (or his best version of trying to fake it) and never being in the same room at once was quite the norm. When our marriage ended, I learned he would get new targets by stating he was divorced in his mind, or that our marriage has been over for quite some time yet he was telling me he showed his love by simply coming home to me and our kids each weekend, and how he’d never divorce because it meant he failed and that he doesn’t fail at anything. He often told others that his needs weren’t met, even though I worked to exhaustion to supply those needs. Not many friends or family knew we were married because he classified me as his kept woman and business partner after an 11 yr marriage never his wife, lover, or friend. He had very few “friends” in his eyes, and even more enemies. Always projecting the world was against him, and always requiring you do more yet never appreciating your efforts or reciprocating in kind. As time went on I found myself hiding the truth about our relationship because his actions were so bizarre and crazy that I knew no one would believe them. I have since learned that he is now doing the same to the new supply. I learned that she too is being abused and that she denies these actions to her friends yet her friends know the truth. She denies cooking/cleaning/tending to his every need because she knows that she’s only their as a source of supply to do the things he needs done and nothing more. It’s so sad to see the destruction narcs can cause, but I’m grateful to be out of this abusive, hostile environment, and I’m enjoying my new found freedom.

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I Was a Horrible Wife

You cannot please a narc, lord knows I tried for 11 yrs of marriage. You are fooling yourself and will only deplete yourself in every way if you attempt to change a narc. They are only in a relationship for their own personal gain as selfish as this seems, and no matter what you do it will not change

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Narc Discard

Accept the discard. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to convince the narc that he or she is wrong about you. (I made that mistake. I don’t want you to do that, too.) Instead, discard the narc like they did to you. This article reminded me of when my mom came to visit and asked me what was wrong with my husband, I commented why? She said he’s outside your home smashing your wedding photos.I’ll never forget it. I didn’t want to believe it, till I opened the door and seen him with my own eyes and then he went upstairs in our attic and did the same to more family photos the memories are something I will never forget.

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I’m glad I went through hell with a narcissist

Yes, I’m glad that I went through hell with the narc. The reason is simple I learned to love myself, I learned to not be dependent on anyone, and not accept less than I deserve. I’ve been able to become stronger from my pain. The gift was truly in the curse. Knowing what you will and will not accept, creating and establishing new boundaries, not sweating the small stuff, and not allowing anyone to take advantage of me is something that was not well defined before the narc. I have increased volunteer hours, and helped so many people during my trying and troubled times that nothing could surmount that which I’ve experienced over the past 4 yrs narc free. To appreciate having less resulted in counting my blessings and having more gratitude.To see the small things in life, and be able to rise to see the sun each morning has given me a new sense of purpose in life. I’m so grateful to my narc, for without the trials and tribulations from my narc,  I wouldn’t have been able to be the stronger& wiser woman that I now am!

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Several Shades of Smeared

The narcs are masters at beginning the smear campaign way before you end the relationship to get others to not believe your truths when you finally get to respond to their lies. As Kim noted The reason that everyone now runs in the opposite direction from you is because the Narcissist has been smearing your reputation since before the relationship even ended.  The two main reasons for this are: 1) All relationships are doomed in the Narcissist’s mind and he wants to get a running start on assassinating your character. 2) He assumes you will vent to people in your shared social circle, and he wants to ensure he cuts you off at the pass so you will look unstable when you muster the audacity to seek support.  These actions are to preserve the false image he’s portrayed all along. When it comes to the smear campaign, no one is off limits to the Narcissist’s virtual mega-phone.  They remember people you met once at a restaurant two states over, and will casually show up in that locality just to make sure no one still thinks of you in a positive light. However, the one mistake the narc made is in leaving a paper trail of legal documents. For example I located several documents against my narc, documents that DO NOT LIE! Whether police reports, adoption papers, warrants for failure to pay child support, protection orders, arrest papers, newspaper articles about prior criminal behavior, court documents, financial documents , taxes, probation papers, and the list goes on the narc may run but they can never run to far from the truth. In time the truth will always surmount the well dressed lie. Best advise against the smear campaign document everything and hide those papers, the narc will come to find them using whatever tactics they deem necessary to keep you silent.