Value Human Interaction ~ The Official Break up Letter to My Narcissist

gm11Here is my email to my narc upon ending our 11 yr marriage with a 13 yr relationship. I located this after searching through our emails to help others on my page The Lost Self Life After Narcissism on Facebook. Here is what my original email stated as I hope this helps others to understand that living with a narcissist is a lonely existence and that narcissist never change they may only alter their behavior but the end result is years of abuse of every form and a lost self full of a trail of lies and destruction.

I am providing this as a learning tool for others and to show the relationship between victims and narcissists. This is meant to educate and help others to heal and overcome narcissism.

2/6/11 : What amazes me the most is the attention to others, the calls to others, the willingness to work with them and become involved with them (girlfriends) all while telling me your not warm and fuzzy, not a family man, never will be, yet how did these relationships seem to flourish for so long without my knowledge and the pics I have located with each and everyone of them, think of how as your wife I must have felt seeing them, your arm and arm, holding a love child you gave up for adoption after we married, when I gave up so much to bear your child/children? I almost died, I bled to death, I had a placenta abruption and was told I would be fine, and I wasn’t fine. I was dying, it was my mom, who begged and pleaded that I be provided a blood transfusion saving my life, the very same woman who saved our son from aspirating if she had fed him the days she was authorized to do such by superiors it would have went into his lung , his esophagus wasn’t formed and was later fused together. In fact she quit her job and didn’t  receive a pension because they refused to give her time off to see our son in the nicu and to help me daily with his care, and I never told you because you never showed a care for her or I …but you asked why she never got a pension and this is why…so now you know.

I further will state you say I’m bitter, how would you feel if you spent ten years of your life being alone, raising kids alone, having a husband who showed not a slightest bit of interest in you whatsoever but yet worked and felt money was far more superior than his presence, his love, his commitment to our marriage? Shouldn’t you have put forth some effort into us? When have we gone out together, kissed, hugged, held hands, shared intimate moments, any of the normal things couples do ? I honestly can say after we married and we went to Florida and you stated you only married to have kids due to me having big hips, and then later told me how I’m a kept woman a business partner this to you is something you say to a spouse? Or better how often you left me in hotel alone with child only to be told, I’ll be right back and weren’t for hours later, especially the night in cayman on an island the size of a prune? Or imagine being told you went running on of all days our honeymoon, when most couples would be sharing intimate moments you went running, only to have me find you hours later lounging at a pool, and you then asked why I was upset on our honeymoon? Or better being constantly left alone in hotels with kids, while you ran out to bookstores, shopping, for bagels, coffee, this is your idea of fun for family?

How about finding out about questionable websites, dating sites and online questionable material ten years later? Not to mention the abuse in all forms, physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, and you have yourself one heck of a marriage…and while I had to use self defense you try to claim abuse? Or when upon asking for five dollars to take kids for a simple ice cream when you know you made 133,000 you stated time and time again no money, yet ran out to buy tools at lowe’s/pay workers 13-20 per hour to run with you and then went food shopping for self?

I would never take you back because for you it’s all about being the “winner” , keeping your “assets”, retaining your “money”, being in “control” of it all for me it’s about something much deeper than all that. Its about love, commitment, honor, respect, truth, family, priorities, accountabilities, responsibilities, sharing, RESPECT, and to me I don’t think this is something you will understand because your simply on a one track mind of thinking and it appears difficult for you to not only hear me, but talk to me, listen to me, take my ideas into account, or even respect me enough to not hang up, curse me out, or call me vulgar names or for that matter sit down and discuss it and not walk in circles room to room.

You have always stated how I never worked with you. I gave up my life for you, my career for you, I worked to the point I now have 3 degenerative disks, ganglion cysts from repetitive movement on wrists and of course pre-cancerous lesions. I have always been there for you, running to hospitals, calling on phones, only to be constantly pushed aside, not now, too busy, maybe later, can’t make long distance…do you not recall when pregnant I continued to do my masters, to make sure I wasn’t left barefoot/pregnant..yet when I needed you, you abandoned me to the point I had to call an ambulance to be brought in from my own driveway after you left me outside in our car, from having side effects from surgery/anesthesia being too strong, and your response was to wait here till your mom comes to get you as you’re going running.

Please think of how this feels to someone who at one point truly cared, deeply loved, and honestly would’ve done anything for her husband and her family. Think of the devastation upon first hearing of a divorce two years upon being newly married only to have it repeat the pattern year after year. Think about doing all the above alone, and to be crucified for every cent spent and accounted for every cent on registers, who does this to someone they supposedly love? Think about someone telling you to pull your car over and call your spouse to request use of there very own credit card? Seem normal? Or better being told you don’t participate yet when you request your told you don’t know how, you never dealt with rentals, you have no knowledge of quicken, nor would you involve me in any financial decision yet somehow I should be knowledgeable of every bill ,the amount, and be aware of what is do and when without being prevy to this information. Exclusion was common in many forms in our relationship especially with finances, bills, taxes, and of course outside events/relationships/work.

Think of how it feels to get dressed up in sexy lingerie (going outside of my comfort zone) , or better no clothes, send cookies, and sexy emails only to be ignored upon arrival home? Think of what it might feel like to have this done relentlessly for ten years… I have never bought new outfits, or anything for self in ten years. I have only purchased thrift store. I walked whenever possible to save , used coupons to make purchases, never shopped retail, and this to you is splurging for the family? When I told others I recycled cans to buy happy meals and then found out the amount of money you made I was floored. I picked out of garbage cans to make ends meet, walked with a picker grabbing cans off streets, and would have relatives/neighbors save cans to get a dollar and you made how much? I then would recycle used thrift store clothes to make a few dollars only to be asked to give you the few dollars I made? You can’t imagine how this makes one feel. You mentioned to me white trash and I guess that’s what you felt I amounted too. You laughed at me for doing all the physical labor yet I had no idea the money you made none. I guess to you this behavior is hilarious, but my body can tell you it wasn’t. Yet you never offered once to help or offered to get someone else to help. Ironically if you had to hire someone though it was no problem.

Think of how  it must feel to be ignored knowing your attention and focus was elsewhere. But where and on whom? I might never know? I can’t understand why you married. I may never know why you used me and threw me out with nothing but the clothes on my back but I assure you I worked like I did not for a home, not for assets, not for another notch on the belt, or for self worth, recognition, or some type of status quo and not for money but for us and our family.

I just can’t fathom how I could’ve been so blind to what you have been obviously planning for so long? Not just this year, this has been going on for better part of six years. It’s like being married to a con and being fooled for so long…I thought I was doing all this for us?

I have come to realize that I couldn’t have given any more, I did my best, I gave my all. I can’t make you have feelings for me when I honestly believe non existed from the start. I honestly feel you married because your mom liked me, she wanted to see you settle down after keeping notes of all the girls you dated and types of girls, and she paid for it to happen. I believe you wanted to do what was right for our son, and felt you might have owed me this much. I don’t believe love was then or is now a factor in that decision. Regardless of the outcome I have stuck to my vows and honored what I hold deeply.

I am very hurt by your comments of I did it for the house, I removed you from our home, I took your kids for three months and or that you lost your job. The truth of the matter is your actions caused my results. Admitting it to your aunt was great, but denying this to me isn’t. I also know your divorce is based on anger and I hope you get over your anger and hatred for me.

A protection from abuse was issued because of your actions that evening and in conjunction with every aspect of abuse and for previous occurrences in which police were called and you were removed, and while I cannot fathom why you did it I can only believe you wanted out so baldly you didn’t care what you did to get out. I believe there was no other option. I had already called police on prior instances of similar fashion and had you removed. I was concerned it was escalating and concerned for my safety and for those whom I have a legal right to protect. Someday I hope you understand this and get the help you need. I also hope you understand by calling my cell and stating if you didn’t see the kids you would press legal action, and wouldn’t provide me money to live was a very hard thing to hear when you knew we depended upon you. I would’ve never have cut you off financially and left you for dead, but I guess you did what you felt you had to do and in doing such created further harm to myself and our kids financially if nothing else. I then don’t understand why you would then seek help w/o involving me when a relationship involves two people with two opinions but the letter you wrote at least made me realize I was being heard for first time in years.

Why you never ate with me, sat with me, slept with me, came to bed with me, spent time with me, called me, loved me, hugged me, kissed me, caressed me, supported me, or ever assisted me is something I will never understand. Isn’t this what a marriage is about?

How can anyone simply use someone to have children, have sex, and leave them with “how’s it feel to be used” is so sickening and hurtful that I have no words to express it.

Then to find out you are more concerned about the home, the assets, the money, the wealth, … then myself or our children’s welfare is even more disheartening.

You keep stating how “I” planned this all? However, I could’ve never planned for what you did that night, nor could I ever dreamt of the outcome. We lived off credit cards for over a year and were forced upon public assistance. Four people living on less than seven hundred a month. Two attorneys later.  Being told the house I worked so hard for will never be mine. The rentals never be mine. The workload not less  but more, the money not more but less, and to add insult I’m now told  “how’s it feel to be used” … ???

Well it feels good to raise three kids alone. To successfully have an honor roll student, superb dancer, and excellent swimmer and to have a child whom everyone said would never make it and did.  A child whom was told would need physical therapy for rest of life, speech therapy, be developmentally delayed based on preemie status to now be in school in which he’s getting A’s and B’s. I believe some credit goes to teachers/doctors  and the remainder can only be attributed to myself and those whom assisted with him. I can’t tell you the gratification I have in knowing I went into debt for them and YOU and I would do it all again if given the same circumstances. They are only young once. They are at an age they don’t want to be with parents all the time and they are breaking out into wonderful young adults. I am very proud of them all, and very proud of my accomplishments and saddened that you never experienced or shared in it. I hope someday you feel family is more a legacy then a dependent a financial obligation and a detriment as you so often stated. I hope someday you can find a sense of healing, and know that the world is not out to get you. I hope someday you realize how deeply I loved you and how much I gave up for you. How it kills me to sit here this day and even type this, realizing I meant nothing to you was nothing more than ” eye candy” .

I hope someday you understand that blaming others for your actions isn’t the answer. But owning up to responsibility , being accountable is much more noteworthy response. While I’m sure your very upset and angered at the results the outcome could’ve been much different had you simply walked away that evening or kept your hands to yourself. I also wonder if you had opened up and worked with me and shared more intimate moments as a couple how different our marriage might have been.

You had all the qualities that I ever wanted : intelligent, hard working determined, attractive, strong, yet there was never an “US”. There was no marriage other than procreation. There was no relationship between us.. and for that I’m deeply saddened. I have never felt so alone, so used, and now so upset for being so foolish as to give my all and receive lil to nothing in return.

More importantly I so wanted to simply be given love, to be shown affection, to be told how much I was appreciated and yet the harder I worked the more you walked out and the less you showed me and the more you gravitated towards others outside the relationship. I can’t imagine doing anything differently, I honestly can’t. I don’t know why you were so cold, withdrawn, disinterested, disconnected with me. I can only say I never married for nor wished to exit what you state.

I have done my best in all regards. While deeply saddened at your current state of mind I hope someday you see my point of view and realize you gave me no other choice . You would’ve done the same and unfortunately, my self worth, self respect, and dignity far surpasses any money, assets, or materialistic goods that you or any court of law could ever provide.

You entered into divorce, you filed the divorce, you will exit out with divorce. I hope you find whatever and whomever it might be that will do more, give more, and be more than apparently what I was not, nor will ever be to you, in your eyes only.

Time To Move On ~Narc Free~

ImageIt’s time to move on when you have to hide the actions and behaviors of the narc from friends or family. When you have to make excuses for their behavior, have lost your independence/freedom/voice/confidence. If you feel your are constantly being watched/explain away your actions because of narcs insecurities within themselves, when you have to constantly “meet” the needs of another rather than them trying to meet your own. When you have to “LOWER” your standards and lose your sense of self. When you have more negative than positive, more unhappiness than happiness, more hate than love, it’s time to go.When the relationship goes downhill rather than up by remaining stagnant rather than growing, when you look forward to them leaving rather than coming, when you get that anxious pit in your stomach not knowing what is coming next/fearful/hurt/angered/depressed, when you fear abuse of every form while living as a prisoner in your own home, when you you live in daily fear of retribution/looking over your shoulder, when you are no longer appreciated but ignored. When your work becomes his/her credits, when you do manual physical labor and he/she hires household work out to the layman, when help/assistance becomes obsolete, and your personal health/safety/well being is ignored, when you no longer are a priority but an option. When you are married and he/she lives as single and the two of you no longer work as a team, when you lose the trust/communication/respect for one another it’s time to go! Add your own to the list but you will know when it’s time!!

Fight or Flight ~ How the Narc thinks and perceives the world~

ImageNarcissists live in a constant state of me vs. them, fight or flight, positive is always negative. For them they transmit and process differently than the norm. Narcs need to be admired and have constant attention if they don’t receive this it’s processed as anger in their minds and they react by showing temper tantrums or worse case rage/wrath. Can you just imagine the amount of anxiety the narcs feel daily? Having to constantly worry about changing their image to best suit themselves. They are a walking contradiction with desires to have emotional security and a need to be alone at the same time. On top of the need to rid themselves of this anxiety, their actions are also self-esteem  driven. Because Narcs derive self-worth from the people and things in their environment, the choices they make and the things they do must reflect that. Most of the time a narc isn’t thinking of anyone else. So what does a narc think?,”‘how does this make me look,” hurting others is usually an unfortunate repercussion, which he or she often never even examined. So in these two respects no a narc is not really aware of their behavior. What then happens if they desire a certain unattainable goal is to use manipulation. Narcissists will make empty promises and wants everything on their terms. They certainly know what they are doing is wrong, but it’s about placement, self image, control, power, success and they stop at nothing to achieve these goals similarly to drug addicts who need a fix. Whether they must lie, cheat, steal, or commit a crime they will forge ahead regardless of whom or what suffers from their actions. The other side of things is that narcs perceive others overreacting to their behavior as simply they are wrong never believing they could be the one with the problem. If you remove a moral compass, empathy , and conscience what do you have left? A NARC!

Hope After Narcissism~ Is Recovery Possible?

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People often wonder what they can do to overcome during recovery from the narc relationship. For me I have always volunteered but after the abuse I suffered, I couldn’t just keep it quiet. I first broke the silence in telling my story and using factual images/documentation to back it up. The narc is an expert manipulator/liar and can convince the most well educated individuals even myself with a Masters. I learned the hard way through devalue and discard that my 11 yr marriage and our 3 kids (one disabled) meant absolutely nothing. We were pawns, objects, extensions of himself. Through this pain and hurt I learned that internalizing this was holding me back. I decided to let it go, not forgive, but try to process it for my own well being by being productive, helping others, and having more empathy for others who experienced similar circumstances. Increasing my volunteer hours, and being on the front line for many nonprofit organizations opened my eyes to the pain and suffering others endure in silence. How widespread and unfortunate that others still suffer in our world today. Helping the less fortunate is not only a worthy thing to do, but it helped me to heal. I was transformed by their own personal reflections that made me appreciate myself in giving me the ability to count my blessings. Writing was a great outlet to release my story, and help others in dealing with narcissism and narcissist recovery. Taking care of you is primary concern , make sure you do what makes you happy whether it’s working out at local gym, planting a garden, spending more time with family, or focusing on career goals ~ focus on you~.   I pray no one experiences what me and my children endured, but unfortunately I know for many this is all too real. I’m living proof that even through homelessness, abuse of every form, divorce, no child/alimony for nearly 2 yrs living off credit cards to raise a family own, bankruptcy, and all the repercussions that follow, that you can make it. You have to believe you can. ~<3~

Why Does He Hate Me~ Victims Feelings After Narcissism

Why does a narcissist hate you? It’s rather easy they are jealous, unable to achieve the same success, you make them look bad, or they simply look down upon you as far less than skilled. If someone dares to give you a compliment the narc will follow up with a criticism. The goal is to trump your success by making you feel inferior and the only way to achieve this goal is to criticize, demean, demoralize, degrade, humiliate, and if these don’t work they resort to violence, control, use of power, or finances to keep you silent and submissive. Beware of the narc rage by saying this: I LOVE YOU! This will infuriate a narc to no return because their is no such thing in their book of terms. A narc is incapable of love, and can’t relate to such an emotion. A narcissist is a misogynist and equates being loved with being ‘possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted ’The narcissist believes they are so unique that no one can ever really know or understand them.  The narcissist genuinely believes he/she is ONE of a kind. To say to a narc “I love you”, negates the feeling of uniqueness and he/she views it as trying to drag them down to the lowest common denominator. It threatens his/her sense of being ‘special’ as anyone and everyone is capable of loving …and even the basest human being can love. To the narcissist it is a primitive, common ability. The narcissist is usually well aware that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a hollow being. Narcs think any person who loves them is either lying (after all, what is there to love in a narcissist?) – or a dependent creature, blind and stupid, unable to detect the truth. The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that they selected a liar or an idiot for a mate, so a declaration of love is an indirect criticism of the narcissist’s own powers of judgment. The narcissist hates love- however, and wherever, it is manifested. Thus, for instance, when his spouse demonstrates her love to their children, he wishes them all a horrible death. Narcs are pathologically envious of their spouse. The narcs feels that their children are extension of themselves and seen as objects thereby the narc  wishes they never existed and is seen as emotionally distant and detached from all things family related. Being a bit paranoid, narcs also believe spouses have a connection with children on purpose as payback against the narc, as if it’s being done on purpose, to remind them how miserable they are, how deficient and deprived he or she truly is in life. The narcissist regards the relationship with their children to be a provocation, an attack on his emotional well being.  Seething envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts are the flames consuming the narcissist’s brain whenever he sees other people happy. ~ This explains so much for even my own personal story that I’m happy to provide it too all of you here~ Administration @ The Lost Self -Life After Narcissism

Narc free

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Narc free

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Lessons learned, knowledge becomes power, and you become stronger and wiser because of the process. Never focus on what you might have lost , instead focus on what you have to gain. Count your blessings, that you can move forward. Narcissists cannot heal, they are stuck in their miserable state of denial, they will forever continue the cycle because they do not believe they are the problem. We know differently. Happiness is being Narc free!!

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I Was a Horrible Wife

You cannot please a narc, lord knows I tried for 11 yrs of marriage. You are fooling yourself and will only deplete yourself in every way if you attempt to change a narc. They are only in a relationship for their own personal gain as selfish as this seems, and no matter what you do it will not change

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I’m glad I went through hell with a narcissist

Yes, I’m glad that I went through hell with the narc. The reason is simple I learned to love myself, I learned to not be dependent on anyone, and not accept less than I deserve. I’ve been able to become stronger from my pain. The gift was truly in the curse. Knowing what you will and will not accept, creating and establishing new boundaries, not sweating the small stuff, and not allowing anyone to take advantage of me is something that was not well defined before the narc. I have increased volunteer hours, and helped so many people during my trying and troubled times that nothing could surmount that which I’ve experienced over the past 4 yrs narc free. To appreciate having less resulted in counting my blessings and having more gratitude.To see the small things in life, and be able to rise to see the sun each morning has given me a new sense of purpose in life. I’m so grateful to my narc, for without the trials and tribulations from my narc,  I wouldn’t have been able to be the stronger& wiser woman that I now am!

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Several Shades of Smeared

The narcs are masters at beginning the smear campaign way before you end the relationship to get others to not believe your truths when you finally get to respond to their lies. As Kim noted The reason that everyone now runs in the opposite direction from you is because the Narcissist has been smearing your reputation since before the relationship even ended.  The two main reasons for this are: 1) All relationships are doomed in the Narcissist’s mind and he wants to get a running start on assassinating your character. 2) He assumes you will vent to people in your shared social circle, and he wants to ensure he cuts you off at the pass so you will look unstable when you muster the audacity to seek support.  These actions are to preserve the false image he’s portrayed all along. When it comes to the smear campaign, no one is off limits to the Narcissist’s virtual mega-phone.  They remember people you met once at a restaurant two states over, and will casually show up in that locality just to make sure no one still thinks of you in a positive light. However, the one mistake the narc made is in leaving a paper trail of legal documents. For example I located several documents against my narc, documents that DO NOT LIE! Whether police reports, adoption papers, warrants for failure to pay child support, protection orders, arrest papers, newspaper articles about prior criminal behavior, court documents, financial documents , taxes, probation papers, and the list goes on the narc may run but they can never run to far from the truth. In time the truth will always surmount the well dressed lie. Best advise against the smear campaign document everything and hide those papers, the narc will come to find them using whatever tactics they deem necessary to keep you silent.

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The High Price To Pay For Mothers in Divorce with Narcissist

Truth be told, the fallacy that moms are still making a killing when seeking divorce is similar to the continued fantasy that Santa Claus really does exist. You’ve been snowed if you believe, as a woman, that the current economic and legal “divorce and custody” climate will award you a bunch of money in the form of alimony, child support, and two weeks paid vacation in both winter and summer. The only guarantees either party will receive when filing for divorce are huge legal bills. Past that, everything is up for grabs including custody of the children.   I have obtained a MPA degree & the master judge at dro had asked me what course matter I took in high school over 20 yrs ago but didn’t request the same of the ex husband. The judge will say that your parents can provide daycare even though they are elderly, hard of hearing, diabetic, fixed income, rather than request the ex husband to assist with raising his own. The master judge will note on record, you are only a “stay home mom” as if having 3 kids/raising them alone for 13 yrs while the ex-husband visited on weekends from 5 states away, and with a disabled son who required round the clock care was a walk in the park. The judge will not care if you have to live off credit cards for two years to support your 3 kids, while they delay the hearings for the ex husband and delay his court appearances, after all you can’t expect a normal person to appear on their court appointed time right? Nah not in Luzerne county, oh and please don’t tell them you were abused because his atty will tell you that you deserved the abuse. The only sensible person I found in court was the court appointed lawyer who shook his head as my family waited for support living without income for nearly 2 yrs. If their is a history of abuse, domestic violence, pfa/arrests/probation don’t expect that information to be taken seriously even if it just happened less than 2 yrs ago as it won’t be looked at if he’s seeking shared custody? Yup not important, even with pfa and pd records. If you file, make sure you have a nice nest egg, as it will cost you everything you own, and the legal system won’t care if you haven’t worked in 13 yrs to raise kids, they won’t care you can’t get employment with mpa degree, they will demand payment, and yes even after filing bankruptcy, and while on assistance. The end!