Value Human Interaction ~ The Official Break up Letter to My Narcissist

gm11Here is my email to my narc upon ending our 11 yr marriage with a 13 yr relationship. I located this after searching through our emails to help others on my page The Lost Self Life After Narcissism on Facebook. Here is what my original email stated as I hope this helps others to understand that living with a narcissist is a lonely existence and that narcissist never change they may only alter their behavior but the end result is years of abuse of every form and a lost self full of a trail of lies and destruction.

I am providing this as a learning tool for others and to show the relationship between victims and narcissists. This is meant to educate and help others to heal and overcome narcissism.

2/6/11 : What amazes me the most is the attention to others, the calls to others, the willingness to work with them and become involved with them (girlfriends) all while telling me your not warm and fuzzy, not a family man, never will be, yet how did these relationships seem to flourish for so long without my knowledge and the pics I have located with each and everyone of them, think of how as your wife I must have felt seeing them, your arm and arm, holding a love child you gave up for adoption after we married, when I gave up so much to bear your child/children? I almost died, I bled to death, I had a placenta abruption and was told I would be fine, and I wasn’t fine. I was dying, it was my mom, who begged and pleaded that I be provided a blood transfusion saving my life, the very same woman who saved our son from aspirating if she had fed him the days she was authorized to do such by superiors it would have went into his lung , his esophagus wasn’t formed and was later fused together. In fact she quit her job and didn’t  receive a pension because they refused to give her time off to see our son in the nicu and to help me daily with his care, and I never told you because you never showed a care for her or I …but you asked why she never got a pension and this is why…so now you know.

I further will state you say I’m bitter, how would you feel if you spent ten years of your life being alone, raising kids alone, having a husband who showed not a slightest bit of interest in you whatsoever but yet worked and felt money was far more superior than his presence, his love, his commitment to our marriage? Shouldn’t you have put forth some effort into us? When have we gone out together, kissed, hugged, held hands, shared intimate moments, any of the normal things couples do ? I honestly can say after we married and we went to Florida and you stated you only married to have kids due to me having big hips, and then later told me how I’m a kept woman a business partner this to you is something you say to a spouse? Or better how often you left me in hotel alone with child only to be told, I’ll be right back and weren’t for hours later, especially the night in cayman on an island the size of a prune? Or imagine being told you went running on of all days our honeymoon, when most couples would be sharing intimate moments you went running, only to have me find you hours later lounging at a pool, and you then asked why I was upset on our honeymoon? Or better being constantly left alone in hotels with kids, while you ran out to bookstores, shopping, for bagels, coffee, this is your idea of fun for family?

How about finding out about questionable websites, dating sites and online questionable material ten years later? Not to mention the abuse in all forms, physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, and you have yourself one heck of a marriage…and while I had to use self defense you try to claim abuse? Or when upon asking for five dollars to take kids for a simple ice cream when you know you made 133,000 you stated time and time again no money, yet ran out to buy tools at lowe’s/pay workers 13-20 per hour to run with you and then went food shopping for self?

I would never take you back because for you it’s all about being the “winner” , keeping your “assets”, retaining your “money”, being in “control” of it all for me it’s about something much deeper than all that. Its about love, commitment, honor, respect, truth, family, priorities, accountabilities, responsibilities, sharing, RESPECT, and to me I don’t think this is something you will understand because your simply on a one track mind of thinking and it appears difficult for you to not only hear me, but talk to me, listen to me, take my ideas into account, or even respect me enough to not hang up, curse me out, or call me vulgar names or for that matter sit down and discuss it and not walk in circles room to room.

You have always stated how I never worked with you. I gave up my life for you, my career for you, I worked to the point I now have 3 degenerative disks, ganglion cysts from repetitive movement on wrists and of course pre-cancerous lesions. I have always been there for you, running to hospitals, calling on phones, only to be constantly pushed aside, not now, too busy, maybe later, can’t make long distance…do you not recall when pregnant I continued to do my masters, to make sure I wasn’t left barefoot/pregnant..yet when I needed you, you abandoned me to the point I had to call an ambulance to be brought in from my own driveway after you left me outside in our car, from having side effects from surgery/anesthesia being too strong, and your response was to wait here till your mom comes to get you as you’re going running.

Please think of how this feels to someone who at one point truly cared, deeply loved, and honestly would’ve done anything for her husband and her family. Think of the devastation upon first hearing of a divorce two years upon being newly married only to have it repeat the pattern year after year. Think about doing all the above alone, and to be crucified for every cent spent and accounted for every cent on registers, who does this to someone they supposedly love? Think about someone telling you to pull your car over and call your spouse to request use of there very own credit card? Seem normal? Or better being told you don’t participate yet when you request your told you don’t know how, you never dealt with rentals, you have no knowledge of quicken, nor would you involve me in any financial decision yet somehow I should be knowledgeable of every bill ,the amount, and be aware of what is do and when without being prevy to this information. Exclusion was common in many forms in our relationship especially with finances, bills, taxes, and of course outside events/relationships/work.

Think of how it feels to get dressed up in sexy lingerie (going outside of my comfort zone) , or better no clothes, send cookies, and sexy emails only to be ignored upon arrival home? Think of what it might feel like to have this done relentlessly for ten years… I have never bought new outfits, or anything for self in ten years. I have only purchased thrift store. I walked whenever possible to save , used coupons to make purchases, never shopped retail, and this to you is splurging for the family? When I told others I recycled cans to buy happy meals and then found out the amount of money you made I was floored. I picked out of garbage cans to make ends meet, walked with a picker grabbing cans off streets, and would have relatives/neighbors save cans to get a dollar and you made how much? I then would recycle used thrift store clothes to make a few dollars only to be asked to give you the few dollars I made? You can’t imagine how this makes one feel. You mentioned to me white trash and I guess that’s what you felt I amounted too. You laughed at me for doing all the physical labor yet I had no idea the money you made none. I guess to you this behavior is hilarious, but my body can tell you it wasn’t. Yet you never offered once to help or offered to get someone else to help. Ironically if you had to hire someone though it was no problem.

Think of how  it must feel to be ignored knowing your attention and focus was elsewhere. But where and on whom? I might never know? I can’t understand why you married. I may never know why you used me and threw me out with nothing but the clothes on my back but I assure you I worked like I did not for a home, not for assets, not for another notch on the belt, or for self worth, recognition, or some type of status quo and not for money but for us and our family.

I just can’t fathom how I could’ve been so blind to what you have been obviously planning for so long? Not just this year, this has been going on for better part of six years. It’s like being married to a con and being fooled for so long…I thought I was doing all this for us?

I have come to realize that I couldn’t have given any more, I did my best, I gave my all. I can’t make you have feelings for me when I honestly believe non existed from the start. I honestly feel you married because your mom liked me, she wanted to see you settle down after keeping notes of all the girls you dated and types of girls, and she paid for it to happen. I believe you wanted to do what was right for our son, and felt you might have owed me this much. I don’t believe love was then or is now a factor in that decision. Regardless of the outcome I have stuck to my vows and honored what I hold deeply.

I am very hurt by your comments of I did it for the house, I removed you from our home, I took your kids for three months and or that you lost your job. The truth of the matter is your actions caused my results. Admitting it to your aunt was great, but denying this to me isn’t. I also know your divorce is based on anger and I hope you get over your anger and hatred for me.

A protection from abuse was issued because of your actions that evening and in conjunction with every aspect of abuse and for previous occurrences in which police were called and you were removed, and while I cannot fathom why you did it I can only believe you wanted out so baldly you didn’t care what you did to get out. I believe there was no other option. I had already called police on prior instances of similar fashion and had you removed. I was concerned it was escalating and concerned for my safety and for those whom I have a legal right to protect. Someday I hope you understand this and get the help you need. I also hope you understand by calling my cell and stating if you didn’t see the kids you would press legal action, and wouldn’t provide me money to live was a very hard thing to hear when you knew we depended upon you. I would’ve never have cut you off financially and left you for dead, but I guess you did what you felt you had to do and in doing such created further harm to myself and our kids financially if nothing else. I then don’t understand why you would then seek help w/o involving me when a relationship involves two people with two opinions but the letter you wrote at least made me realize I was being heard for first time in years.

Why you never ate with me, sat with me, slept with me, came to bed with me, spent time with me, called me, loved me, hugged me, kissed me, caressed me, supported me, or ever assisted me is something I will never understand. Isn’t this what a marriage is about?

How can anyone simply use someone to have children, have sex, and leave them with “how’s it feel to be used” is so sickening and hurtful that I have no words to express it.

Then to find out you are more concerned about the home, the assets, the money, the wealth, … then myself or our children’s welfare is even more disheartening.

You keep stating how “I” planned this all? However, I could’ve never planned for what you did that night, nor could I ever dreamt of the outcome. We lived off credit cards for over a year and were forced upon public assistance. Four people living on less than seven hundred a month. Two attorneys later.  Being told the house I worked so hard for will never be mine. The rentals never be mine. The workload not less  but more, the money not more but less, and to add insult I’m now told  “how’s it feel to be used” … ???

Well it feels good to raise three kids alone. To successfully have an honor roll student, superb dancer, and excellent swimmer and to have a child whom everyone said would never make it and did.  A child whom was told would need physical therapy for rest of life, speech therapy, be developmentally delayed based on preemie status to now be in school in which he’s getting A’s and B’s. I believe some credit goes to teachers/doctors  and the remainder can only be attributed to myself and those whom assisted with him. I can’t tell you the gratification I have in knowing I went into debt for them and YOU and I would do it all again if given the same circumstances. They are only young once. They are at an age they don’t want to be with parents all the time and they are breaking out into wonderful young adults. I am very proud of them all, and very proud of my accomplishments and saddened that you never experienced or shared in it. I hope someday you feel family is more a legacy then a dependent a financial obligation and a detriment as you so often stated. I hope someday you can find a sense of healing, and know that the world is not out to get you. I hope someday you realize how deeply I loved you and how much I gave up for you. How it kills me to sit here this day and even type this, realizing I meant nothing to you was nothing more than ” eye candy” .

I hope someday you understand that blaming others for your actions isn’t the answer. But owning up to responsibility , being accountable is much more noteworthy response. While I’m sure your very upset and angered at the results the outcome could’ve been much different had you simply walked away that evening or kept your hands to yourself. I also wonder if you had opened up and worked with me and shared more intimate moments as a couple how different our marriage might have been.

You had all the qualities that I ever wanted : intelligent, hard working determined, attractive, strong, yet there was never an “US”. There was no marriage other than procreation. There was no relationship between us.. and for that I’m deeply saddened. I have never felt so alone, so used, and now so upset for being so foolish as to give my all and receive lil to nothing in return.

More importantly I so wanted to simply be given love, to be shown affection, to be told how much I was appreciated and yet the harder I worked the more you walked out and the less you showed me and the more you gravitated towards others outside the relationship. I can’t imagine doing anything differently, I honestly can’t. I don’t know why you were so cold, withdrawn, disinterested, disconnected with me. I can only say I never married for nor wished to exit what you state.

I have done my best in all regards. While deeply saddened at your current state of mind I hope someday you see my point of view and realize you gave me no other choice . You would’ve done the same and unfortunately, my self worth, self respect, and dignity far surpasses any money, assets, or materialistic goods that you or any court of law could ever provide.

You entered into divorce, you filed the divorce, you will exit out with divorce. I hope you find whatever and whomever it might be that will do more, give more, and be more than apparently what I was not, nor will ever be to you, in your eyes only.

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~The pro con narcissist and the ponzi scheme~

ImageHave you ever wondered how you ever fell for the pitiful sob story that the narcissist tells everyone? The one where they are the victims , they have fallen on hard times, they have so much potential if only their luck was better?

As a victim and now survivor ( 4 yrs narc free) I can recall so many empty promises, broken dreams, and financial disasters. Upon marriage I never questioned our finances as I assumed my spouse was taking care of business. He was the financial bread winner and I was the dutiful homemaker and we agreed I’d stay home to raise our family.

As time went on I noticed many discrepancies in our finances. Bills not being paid or late, bills in my name for items not ordered nor requested, missing funds, quicken accounts that were always in the negative as if no money was ever available. How could anyone use another for simply their money or the benefits and then walk away? Enter the narcissist here as they feel they are superior. The marriage was simply a piece of paper and as a wife I was considered the kept woman and business partner. So this title I was given by my narcissist had me wondering business partner? Interesting when you figure I never had been granted permission to view our finances, to see any bills, or to know what came in or went out from our residence. I was kept in the dark to all matters involving finances yet somehow I was considered a business partner so how could this be?

Fast forward 13 yrs later when our marriage dissolved and you begin to see the well orchestrated , well planned, well manipulated plan come to light. Much like the Ponzi scheme my narc would lead me to believe our future was bright , we were building what he felt was a foundation to success accompanied with empty promises and my funds. What he failed to tell me was it was all a scheme to rid me of my very last cent and then I’d be discarded and devalued after I was exhausted trying to maintain the masterpiece of housework, wife , motherly duties. When I no longer could provide after I was maxed out and physically sick and exhausted he packed up and moved on to the next supply.

Upon filing a protection order we later divorced and during this 4 yr process I was left bankrupt and homeless and relying upon public assistance to support our family. I had to file for any and all assistance including housing, public, food, heat, and medical. I felt much like the victims from a Ponzi scheme as only the person at the top becomes rich while the others who fell for the lies of wealth, power, and prestige become poor. Taking from one victim to give to the next was a full time business and their was no shortage of new supplies to fill the need. The cycle continues until eventually the pro cons are caught. The enablers and loyal harem of followers are always present to give a helping hand.

You see I believed in the dream of planning for our future together. I believed and trusted in a man who said he was my husband and silly me thought he was my protector , my partner, someone I could confide in and love. Little did I know the plan was set in place as soon as I said hello. Narcissist target their victims and search for those with low self esteem and those they feel they can win over. Never feeling loved as an only girl growing up with 3 brothers, in a rural area with very lil friends, which made me a prime target. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents nor my family and to keep me silent wasn’t that big of a deal for him. To think that when he stated he had discussed the matter with his attorney the specifics of what I’d receive had I left only confirmed my suspicions. While he executed the plan with full precision he left no one immune to his wrath. He emptied every account, sold off every asset, mortgaged every property, emptied our 3 kids college funds of over 10 thousand dollars, took our only home and tried to take our only car. We were left with nothing and had to fight the legal system garnishing wages to get support and alimony. We never received alimony and our support was very little. We received only $778.84 for a family of four after he accrued over 15 thousand in arrearages while we lived on credit cards for over a year even though we showed direct deposits and one time payments using his own bank statements showing over $26 thousand in one time payments came to him during the time his wife and three kids (one child med disabled) went homeless and without income.

Just like the Ponzi scheme I believed in the lies, the beliefs of working toward a common goal and so I provided for my family when he claimed he couldn’t to survive even though I had no employment for the past 13 yrs. The pro con narcissist will take from their victims until they have nothing more to give and then will discard and devalue and move on without hesitation to the next victim that they already have lined up in waiting. As a wife of 11 yr marriage I was considered nothing more than a business partner and a kept woman.

Ironically I didn’t know how much of a business partner I was since I never seen nor signed not one federal tax in entire marriage. I never once seen our finances nor was allowed to have information relevant to our bills or finances. My narcissists kept everything hidden much like in a Ponzi scheme and never shared information even when questioned. I can say with certainty he knew what he was doing, knew the right words to say and the right actions to accomplish the greatest amount of funds and was very good at using others his entire life. When you marry you don’t think for one second that the person you married is out to get you, is planning your demise, is planning to use and abuse and walk away but with a narc you can be sure this is exactly the plan. They leave a trail of destruction behind and have enablers and loyal harem of followers that help them carry out the Ponzi scheme to the end. Only the person at the top makes the riches. Those that enter the scheme are left to pick up the pieces, repair their battered lives, and move on feeling lost and empty. You do not need to be married to experience the scheme as they will use anyone to their benefit and often money is involved. Whether a co worker, family member, friend, mutual partner, sexual partner, or acquaintance you can be sure the narcissist is only focused on what you can provide for them and how they can go about taking without ever giving in return. Beware of the narcissist who seem to blame the world, their past, or their prior relationships for their problems because these are red flags that can never result in a happy ending.

~The Emotionally Distant ~Family Portrait Boastful Narc~

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Personally my narc would pretend to be involved by taking pics of our children yet they were simply mere objects in his presence who never received a drop of his time nor attention nor unconditional love and support. Our narc caused our family to be homeless by refusing to pay support and utilities, refused to pay kids tuition/medical coverage, and refused to allow them a home to live or a vehicle for transportation or even provide a safety net for their future. He emptied all their college funds for all three children, mortgaged all the property, and sold off every asset.
It amazes me how a narc will use images to proclaim their connection with others. Mine used old family portraits especially those of higher status quo (military members)to classify himself as a normal proud boasting family member in reality he was an absent, emotional distant, withdrawn abusive man (which I use man loosely).
How could someone pretend to have a connection with people that he didn’t care about, that he couldn’t care if any family member lived or died? Recalling how he stated emphatically how no one did anything for him, yet I can state emphatically his mother gave everything she had to the narc (her only child). She gave her home, her pension (after her death) , her assets, her savings/checking, her material possessions and so too did every woman before her to the point of exhaustion. I recall vividly asking him to help shovel snow from her sidewalk yet he refused claiming she brought her ailment of lung cancer upon her because she smoked and was told by doctors to stop, so in her last dying days he refused to help her nor comfort her, and so she died without her son’s love ~ a hole in her heart~ I would suppose.
I cannot imagine the cruelty and heartlessness narcs have for their own flesh and blood. Placing a picture of a distant relative, parent, child(ren) or spouse doesn’t mean anything if A) you’re not in the picture with them and B) you have no connection to the subject matter in the picture. You can not simply place a photo of someone else and pretend to have involvement and make a connection when none exist.Upon his mothers passing he places a simple obituary remembrance in the paper yet where was he during her years of life was he truly there for anyone , did he truly give of himself to protect, love, nurture, provide, and assist his own family….truly sad.~

The crazy odd behaviors of the narcissist

ImageQuestion how many of you experienced odd or strange behaviors from the narcissists? Of course I have too, and tried to find something related to this topic because it always made me curious as to why they acted so bizarre. For instance mine would turn his back and walk away in mid conversation, he would use chemicals while I was bathing or wood stain/paint in dead of winter w/o proper ventilation. He never answered your calls placed at work, and once home acted too busy to talk/have relationship like two ships passing in night/roommates rather than spouses, unless of course you were busy (that was perfect time). Never let anyone know we were married and near the end told me I was a “kept woman/business partner”.Never slept in bed unless he wanted something and would leave after his 30 min of fun for him (because of course that too was one sided). He never had face to face interaction, no expression, no affection. The only time I can recall holding hands was at our wedding (12 yrs ago), kissing was all but obsolete. Mine never walked with me side by side always blamed his foot problems yet he ran marathons? Go figure? He never wanted to be seen in public together, social outings were almost always out of the question, if he did go he acted immature, uncooperative, non communicative, expressionless to the point of wishing to go it alone. If you tried to discuss anything and it wasn’t going his way he’d throw temper tantrums like a two yr old and of course then the verbal accolades would come out. He was demeaning and would throw money at my feet knowing his family was dependent upon his income to live. Emotionally distant and reserved feeling superiority would result in our company having to wave their hands in front of him to garnish his attention. I’ve read on some sites that narcs also will just “appear” and mine was famous for it. I swear he tapped our phones/bugged our home because he always knew my next move especially when gathering evidence against him for divorce. He was very sneaky/secretive often hiding, never taking the same route when driving, never going from point A to point B, never allowed interior light to be on in the car at night. Lying was so commonplace even if just basics like what he wore to work that day. Never happy with mood swings that were beyond norm, never could relate to anyone on norm level, carry conversation, or joke with freely. He had no sense of romance, sex was a medial act, as he noted he could do it with anyone (robotic). He always would walk with clenched hands or shake his feet or hands claiming caffeine addiction? Never sat in same room together, ate together, or even on same couch together, if you were in the room at the time he’d walk out because of the loner persona, completely had no idea how to conduct normal relationship. Wined and dined the harem of women but treated me his wife like doormat material especially our kids. Never once held our children, showed up for their birth, or shown any affection such as holding hands, empathy, concern, or support. The few occasions times he attempted interaction with kids it was so bizarre. If raining you should hide under the table, kids should not have interaction but sit in front of tv or shop to buy their love, if room was cluttered from buying their love that was my fault, never played games with them, if on vacation (2 day limit) that I paid for he’d leave them in hotel with me. Oh yes vacays were for his enjoyment only! He simply packed his overnight bag, jumped in car, put head back while pretending to sleep to avoid communication, and was ready to go, all else was your job. His idea of food shopping or normal shopping together was hurrying inside w/o helping kids or gathering a cart, and run inside to wait for us to enter the store, while he would then get his coffee and read a magazine while you did all the work, and he’d like clockwork show up to pay and then leave so you could pack it up. He always seemed to look over his shoulder I assume this was do to the numerous affairs and adoptions he had with other married women that I learned occurred during divorce proceedings. Authoritative style, if he said “jump” you better do it. Everything he did was for his own self gain/benefit never concerned about anyone. The abuse was horrendous with every form imaginable including emotional, physical, verbal, psych, and financial.  Hired out help like water, felt it was beneath him even for basic household chores, taking garbage out, cutting grass, yard work, carrying groceries/appliances/air conditioners yet would claim after words no money to provide for his own family after doing these activities. I could write a novel on the odd behaviors….

Narcissists In Simpler Terms

ImageNarcissists always operate based on a matter of need and wants rather than love and commitment. You cannot have a relationship with someone who simply is unavailable to you. They will mirror what you expect to receive because they do not know their real true self. They have spent years living a lie, showing each and everyone who comes into connect a different version of themselves. Similarly to a chameleon, they will blend in, changing only when necessary to suit their purpose. Their victims often children and family are mere objects to the narcissist an extension of themselves for whom they will devalue and discard without any remorse. They are professionals in the mind games, using blaming strategies, love bombing, triangulation to get their needs met. Being in this type of one sided relationship only serves one ~the narc~. You will find in time that you gave more than you ever received (supply/target) . Narcissist are ego centric, with a grandiose egos, who feel they are superior to everyone, and that the world is somehow against them. They have a fight or flight mentality and will lash out upon anyone who tries to alter their beliefs. This type of trauma may have occurred in childhood as many cases reveal, however, it’s impossible to try  to alter this belief because narcs are set in their ways!

Fight or Flight ~ How the Narc thinks and perceives the world~

ImageNarcissists live in a constant state of me vs. them, fight or flight, positive is always negative. For them they transmit and process differently than the norm. Narcs need to be admired and have constant attention if they don’t receive this it’s processed as anger in their minds and they react by showing temper tantrums or worse case rage/wrath. Can you just imagine the amount of anxiety the narcs feel daily? Having to constantly worry about changing their image to best suit themselves. They are a walking contradiction with desires to have emotional security and a need to be alone at the same time. On top of the need to rid themselves of this anxiety, their actions are also self-esteem  driven. Because Narcs derive self-worth from the people and things in their environment, the choices they make and the things they do must reflect that. Most of the time a narc isn’t thinking of anyone else. So what does a narc think?,”‘how does this make me look,” hurting others is usually an unfortunate repercussion, which he or she often never even examined. So in these two respects no a narc is not really aware of their behavior. What then happens if they desire a certain unattainable goal is to use manipulation. Narcissists will make empty promises and wants everything on their terms. They certainly know what they are doing is wrong, but it’s about placement, self image, control, power, success and they stop at nothing to achieve these goals similarly to drug addicts who need a fix. Whether they must lie, cheat, steal, or commit a crime they will forge ahead regardless of whom or what suffers from their actions. The other side of things is that narcs perceive others overreacting to their behavior as simply they are wrong never believing they could be the one with the problem. If you remove a moral compass, empathy , and conscience what do you have left? A NARC!

Dealing with the Narc in your Life

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You would have better luck hitting the lottery than dealing with a narcissist. Please don’t waste your valuable time and energy as they are a bottomless pit. Just know you tried your best, it’s not your fault, you are not a therapist/doctor who can diagnose their behavior with certainty. Just know that the narc experiences are not yours to own and move forward counting your blessings and seeking hope and a wiser truer self for the future. Lessons learned are at least lessons, as I know many who were not so fortunate and have lost their voice permanently from domestic violence and narcissists. Narcs are not to be taken lightly, if you are being abused please seek professional help as shelters and helplines are available as well as free legal advice and pro bono or court appointed attorneys for those with low income. Trust me being without is better than the alternative of being a prisoner, caged in , unable to have a voice and be free to love and enjoy life. #narcfree4yrs

The One sided Narcissist Relationship

The relationship with the narc is truly one sided. They are incapable of telling the truth& lack communication skills. Unable to be concerned over anyone but self, they will only be involved as long as their needs are being met. The reasons they have such destructive trails of past relationships isn’t because every ex was ‘crazy’ but because they are incapable of being reliable, honest, faithful, loyal, trustworthy, stable, committed,and believe the world owes them. They constantly crave attention to help stroke their ego because they have a superior complex and grandiose image. If they don’t get what they want they retaliate through rage by emptying their wrath upon you, trying to silence you into submission by using fear, threats, intimidation, or abuse. No contact is the safest way to deal with a narc, if this isn’t a possibility use limited contact and set up boundaries. Stay firm in your ways and stay strong. Make yourself the priority. #narcfree

The Don Juan Charmer Narcissist

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Narcissist are true charmers the Don Juan’s of the world. They have a honeymoon phase like no other, and will immediately gravitate towards you lavishing you with empty promises. However, what isn’t apparent right away is the need for them to fill a void within that is an empty hole that drains faster than it can be filled. Narcs need constant praise, attention, gratification , ego stroking, a sense of entitlement. Narcissist view people as objects with a purpose. They have very little meaningful relationships because of this reason. Exploitation and Manipulation are all too common.  As Dr Lynne Namka explains in her own words, “Disruption of the supply can bring about violence. Femfree.com quotes Ernest Wolf: “Narcissistic rage is a horse of a different color. Sometimes conditions occur which make a person feel totally helpless and powerless. This is an unbearable experience and results in that individual’s unlimited rage to destroy – destroy any opponent, anyone who is not for me is against me, destroy the world, etc. Unfortunately, this narcissistic rage does not disappear when the helplessness or powerlessness have disappeared. Rather, this type of rage goes on, and on and on and only very gradually sort of wears itself out.”” See Ernest Wolf at www.selfpsychology.com/papers/wolf_2001b_group_helplessness_and_rage.htm *Be aware and be observant and know that healthy relationships always involve an equal “GIVE & TAKE” ❤

Narc Parenting~Living the Lie

Narc parenting is quite unique, as they do not believe in showing any type of love or affection. They rule with an iron hand -an authoritative dictatorship style and demand respect and acceptance. The narcissistic parent is very boastful of their family and children yet spends very little time with them. My narc personally never spent time with our children, never was present at their birth of all 3, not one school function, not one doctor appt. not one extracurricular event,  not one parent teacher conference, not one milestone, not one celebration (unless begging was your idea of attendance) and of course no playtime, reading time, quality time. Refusal to provide tution, child support, medical , or housing was the norm. The kids used to cry on our steps waiting for him to take them somewhere, only to be left with empty promises and broken dreams. His motto is let them fall they will learn not to do it again, or simply providing the basics is his way of showing love, no affection, no emotion, no attachment involved. Time is money, and often the children are treated as mere objects, extensions of themselves, a matter of convenience. They only will spend time with their child if they receive some reward such as attention & admiration from others in their harem (group of loyal followers/enablers) or if they wish to portray the image of being a hands on parent yet they abandon the child in front of a tv, or walk away from them the minute they are in the same room. A narcissistic parent is very critical and resentful of the child and will leave the child feeling that their feelings/emotions don’t matter, and they are their to supply and service the narc, living up to their every expectations and demands. Unfortunately, this behavior may have been cause from childhood and or trauma, that has extended into adulthood raising their own as they were raised. Most victims feel torn from relinquishing the rights of the other parent or taking them away from this type of parent, however, it’s better to come from a broken home than to live in one daily. Children need unconditional love, attention, affection, and support from a grown adult and unfortunately a narcissist not only can’t provide this, they often have difficult in just being an adult and taking on the responsibilities of raising a family because their central focus is on them not others, and because they often act like a child throwing tempter tantrums when things don’t go their way. Please think twice if staying with a narc parent as you are often doing more harm than good and the children often suffer in the end.