~The Narcissistic Father and the Wife and Children He Left Behind~

ImageI recently read a blog on this subject and it triggered some memories of my narcissist .

I was married to a malignant/psychopathic narc for 11 years, we were together for 13yrs,separated and now divorced for the past 4 yrs, and had 3 children one medically disabled.
One of the things that most stood out about his parenting style was the lack of care and concern for the welfare of our kids. 
His constant need for attention and admiration was never ending so much so that he would turn on his own family including his children to seek that attention and be the center of the universe at all times. This was most evident on vacation.
Now when I say a vacation I should clarify because it’s not a relaxing day on the beach unless you’re speaking on behalf of the narc.

A vacation to the narc involves a two day overnight stay within a two hour driving time and you must do all the work. He would simply show up after taking a two hour long shower, while you got the stuff packed, loaded into the vehicle, house cleaned, kids dressed, kids fed, and kids into vehicle and then he’d conveniently show up with his small little overnight bag. His odd behavior continued as he put his head back once in the vehicle, and ignored everyone in the car, until you arrived at the destination. Narcs do not help by any stretch of the imagination nor communicate. They simply pretend to sleep and or pretend to read a magazine (in fact my family used to laugh because he never changed the page), or simply look out the window. If any of the kids had to use restrooms along the way he would get out and help himself and go alone to the man’s restroom never offer to take my son but rather leave me with all three kids to take into the ladies room.
He was always cold, distant, obnoxious, but never worse than in small enclosed hotel rooms.
Upon arrival at the hotel, he would wait in the vehicle with the kids, and I would then have to pay for hotel (as I also had to reserve the room online), get the room key, and unpack, and then he’d arrive like the “king” to the room, see the work that needed to be done and walk out so that we could unpack while he ran off for his normal cup of coffee and bagel and go to local bookstore by himself to avoid the work. This was the routine of our 2 day adventure. It was exhausting in every way to do all the work, pack the car, get the kids ready, fed the kids/bath/dressed them, get all three in the car, drive to the location several hours away, unpack, run up six flights of stairwell. It was no vacation!

However, I remember one particular time when our baby daughter started crying around 12am. Now this was rare as thankfully my kids usually slept through the night. However on this day she was hungry and crying. My narc actually stated, “Shut her the f (bomb) up” and then walked onto the balcony and closed the glass sliding door to our Wildwood NJ hotel. He wasn’t the center of attention and his own daughter was taking his spotlight. I was floored, scared, alone, and couldn’t believe this just came out of his mouth. He eventually came back in once the baby settled in for the night. Never once did he attend to any of our childrens needs. He bought their love but that was the extent of his fatherly role in their lives. He never taught them anything unless you call reading one -two pages of a bedtime book reading during his every other weekend only visits throughout entire 7 yr marriage as we were separated the last 4 yrs (thankfully). His idea of helping was to force our kids to pick out a book and he would only read no more than two pages and walk out , no kiss goodnight, no hug, no affection. Always cold and distant and always taking credit for my work the one who did teach them everything they knew and who was present 24-7 365 days per year.

Another red flag moment was upon arriving to the hotel and getting all settled in ready to go out and see the town, only to have him leave alone to get coffee claiming he’d be right back (don’t hold your breath here). lol I recall one time he left us and walked in with a pizza knowing I had just driven several hours from PA to NJ and our entire family was hungry yet he sat and ate in front of us rather than ask if we wanted some knowing he was soul income provider.

The other moment came during a trip to the beach with the kids. As we were walking my stroller became stuck at the edge were the water meets the sand. He turned looked, took the kids out of the stroller I was pushing and kept walking off w/o me and w/o assisting me get unstuck from the sand in the scorching heat and near of all things a porta potty. He never walked with us, never held my hand, always blamed his inability to walk side by side as a foot problem called fashianitas, and his lack of holding the kids was due to his nerve damage in his hand in which he couldn’t hold children whom when born weighed only 4lbs. Ironically he was witnessed pulling up his own body weight roughly 200 lbs or so unto a metal pipe for doing pull ups in the garage and he ran races for a living as he grew up a runner and continued that tradition. Funny his foot problems didn’t hamper his efforts in running a 7 minute mile race but did bother him when walking slowly with his family?

Still yet other occasions, when we walked back my arms full of buckets/shovels/beachtoys and he sat and watched his daughter fall on slippery wet surface near the spot they rinse their feet off before heading into hotel. When asked why he didn’t catch her to prevent her from falling , his statement was,” that’s how she learns not to fall” and this occurred even when riding a bike.

So many times at home he would treat the kids as mere objects and extensions. For instance if he wanted something done but didn’t want to do it himself he’d get the kids to do it for him. He never helped raise the kids, he only used them to serve his purpose. If the kids had birthdays or holidays he wouldn’t show up or if he was home you’d have to beg him to attend and quite frankly I stopped having parties at home because of his odd behaviors. He wouldn’t help plan, set up, or take down he only showed up conveniently for himself (if you were lucky enough to be in his presence). He would start problems before the event, so that the attention was always on him and you of course were then viewed by others as being the troublemaker for trying to defend yourself against his lies, deceit, and mischevious ways. He also never sat at a table with the rest of the party, he avoided other family members at all cost and would sit alone in a nearby room.

I recall many times when he would promise the kids he’d take them out of the house to his favorite spots either hardware stores or toys r us only to take one and not the other child that he originally promised to take, or simply walk out without taking any of the kids. I would find them crying on our steps upset their own dad would do this to them.

Yet the most troubling for me was when he never showed up for the birth of our kids. The biggest red flag of all, because here I was with emergency high risk c sections on all three yet he never showed up till after it was all done and we were ready to go home. If he showed up he walked in the room, no discussion unless it was to tell me how busy he was on the rentals and how he had to get back to work, and then he’d leave. Never asked to hold our newborn daughter or son, never showed up for the birth, no affection, no love, no compassion for just giving birth, no question of how I was feeling or if I needed anything nearly dying to have all three kids NOTHING.

Ironically when my son was born med disabled and fought for two months in nicu his father never showed. He used every excuse from he wasn’t allowed to the normal excuse of being busy. In fact instead of showing up he tried to take the lame way, and he tried calling the hospital rather than show up to find out information. Of course HEPA laws prevent providing information to anyone over the phone. That gave him his reason to “BLAME” and his reason why he never showed. Truth is my son’s grandparents showed up nearly every day for two months in nicu, they scrubbed down every day and drove over two hours just to spend a few minutes but they were there and it meant everything to me to not be alone. My son was born with vater syndrome and every day we didn’t know if he’d live or die. He had so many medical problems that he was classified by our state as being med disabled since birth and I had to go it all alone with my first child. My placenta had separated during birth and I nearly bled to death requiring two pints of blood during transfusion while my son had to be lifeflighted to a childrens hospital outside our area.
My husband never showed up, and then stated to me,” if I can’t handle it pull the plug” in dealing with a medically disabled child alone.

I will never forget this till the day I die.
My son’s own father cared more about himself and his needs than that of his own children.
Upon divorcing 11 yrs later we were discarded and devalued like a piece of trash.
His new supply now does all the same things we exhausted ourselves doing, and he has slightly altered his chameleon ways to try to impress behind closed doors but the narcs never change.
In time she too will experience the wrath of the narc and I can only say “good luck” as I wouldn’t wish this hell upon anyone.

Advertisements

Let the truth ring true and the victim be allowed to speak against narcissism

ImageWhen I first began my blog and my facebook page I was amazed at how many people had been affected by narcissism and how it was truly a worldwide problem. I never expected in just over two months to have almost 6,000 followers on facebook and nearly 20 followers on my blog. I didn’t realize how much I was helping others in telling my own personal story of survival from narcissism until others began to tell me their own and had sent me messages in private or on public posts to thank me for my work and how helpful it was in their current situation with narcissism. Though our stories are all slightly different we all have that common bond of being involved with a narcissist and as time passed I realized the commonality between us was not much different other than the narcs involved extent and length of time of the relationships and the varying levels of abuse and trauma suffered.

For those unaware of my story it was similar to a fairytale. But it was more like beauty and the beast. I married a monster who appeared as a handsome intelligent, career oriented, family minded man but instead was abusive in every form : emotional, physical, verbal, psychological, and financial. I was married on a tropical island with a beach side wedding by sunset, and it was simply gorgeous. The narc worked full time five states away as I tended to planning the wedding and raising our medically disabled son born with vater syndrome. My narc only came home on weekends ( if that) so I raised our kids alone for the entire marriage. In hindsight I was caught up in the duties of being a new mom with a son born with problems that needed round the clock care, and ignored the warning signs that existed from the start. After our wedding we walked off to take pictures with our photographer who had to tell my narc to smile, hug, show affection, get closer, hold hands, and yes “kiss”. Can you imagine this on our wedding day that this would need to be stated to the new groom? Yet later on for the honeymoon when most couples would express their love, I spent it looking for my LOVE as he walked off and claimed to go for a run around a 20 mile long island yet disappeared for hours leaving me and our son alone in the hotel room after just saying our “vows”. It was supposed to be memorable, it turned out to be in hindsight another clue as I later learned he had an affair with a married woman just prior to leaving the states to marry and she became pregnant.  I eventually located my narc amongst the women lounging at the pool while I was awaiting his arrival for over 2 hrs. Needless to say the night was full of emotions, but not of the best kind. That honeymoon further signified our relationship because we consummated our marriage and our daughter was born from our union. However, more signs went ignored as I noticed he wasn’t present for any births of our children claiming to be busy working, and never showed interest in helping me his new wife who nearly died with 3 high risk sections. The relationship was more one sided as roommates with me being Cinderella the dutiful housewife professing her faith to her husband at his becon call and him enjoying his newly “single” life as a “married” man. The entire relationship of 13 yrs had more bad than good, everything was a lie, full of empty promises, broken dreams, and heartache.  Afterwards we had our third child which was not planned, and that ended our marriage because of adultery and continued affairs..

Fast forward 11 yrs into marriage, divorced, bankruptcy, unemployed, and having to go it alone with 3 children all under teen years. My ex took it all as he left us homeless after refusal to pay support/alimony, refused to pay medical/tution, refusing to assist in the raising of our children other than to take me to court to claim shared custody with only every other weekend visits. I had to file a protection order of abuse and was granted a 3yr order for which I was granted possession of our home during that time, however my narc filed a special relief hearing to try to have us removed from our own home, which he was instructed by the judge that his legal actions brought against us was illegal. This didn’t stop the madness as he continued using the system to try to gain revenge. I’ll never forget when the system failed us and while sitting awaiting support for over a year, w/o income, and having to live off credit cards to support our family the system than awarded my narc 21,000 wiping out arrearages of over 15,000 all because he paid our utilities, mortgage, and one years tuition forcing us to repay 200 month back from our support which was only $778.84 for family of four. Yes you heard me right..While I lived without the basics , lost our home, and had no income living off credit my narc was applauded for paying our bills. The house was inherited so we never received it, the houses all mortgaged to prevent us from receiving any monetary amount, and the home was repaired for termite damage from 30 years earlier further devaluing the property. Yes you are correct if you say it was all planned from the beginning as my narc new exactly how to work the system from day one.

In the end I had to garnish his wages, issue contempt of court, have him arrested for violation of our protection order and have him on probation with anger management and alcohol and drug testing ordered and mandatory. Our family was left with nothing but the shirts we had on from the thrift store, as we left it all behind at our former residence. We were awarded but have not received  55% of his pension, our name taken off a mortgage and replacement of the nearly 12,000 that he emptied from our 3 kids college funds and the only thing to date we received from our decree was the 8 yr old car in our possession (that he tried to take) this after 11 yrs of marriage. He kept the house, the rentals, the income from both, our legal fees were each our own along with our credit card debt, and the money we have yet to see including the pension and the removal of our name from the mortgage as he now is in contempt for that too. The affairs I later learned were at least one a year, the hidden adoptions that I have legal records of both adoption produced an additional two children along with my 3 kids so they have half brothers out there. Truth be told never ignore the red flags.

We now live on public assistance and have searched with a masters degree begging for employment that would pay enough to leave the public assistance. We have had to file bankruptcy and at every turn are reminded of the narcs evil ways and destruction as we piece our lives back together.

However, the worst was when I created my narc page to help others and learned that his new supply blamed me for his faults. People I called my friends that I thought were my friends turned out to be my foes who would back stab at a moments notice. Even when I came on board to facebook to help others it turned out that I had located a page that was using my material and not giving me credit. When I responded by asking they simply give me credit for my work, the admin of the page professed an abundance of anger, hatred, and animosity that escalated to the admin of the page making false accusations against me because they were jealous of my success in acquiring fans who listened to me tell my story and who believed in me. I reported their actions to facebook and some of their post but not all were removed. They accused me of paying to get likes which not only can I not afford but it’s against my morals and against facebook standards. They accused me of being a narc because I asked my page be given proper credit (which should you ever stick up for yourself or your beliefs this will always be their response) and  accused me of having forced others into believing in forgiveness as a stepping stone for recovery which I noted is just one way to achieve recovery and doesn’t mean to forgive the abuser or their actions nor does it mean it’s the only way for recovery , it means forgiving “the raw emotions that were wrongly placed upon you” to find yourself and to heal . 

I couldn’t believe anyone could be so cruel but the truth is that you sometimes have to remain guarded because you can never tell.

You have to stand up for yourself and your beliefs as those who are afraid of the truths will always tell lies to diminish your successes.

As for the storytellers, the enablers, the harem of loyal followers:  I simply say thank you! Because I have never felt so strong, so empowered, as I did the day I left my ex narc for good 4 yrs ago. I never felt more genuinely true to myself than the day I read the stories of my fans and I cried happy tears knowing I was doing so much good in simply not remaining silent and in telling my story others were able to relate and know they too are not alone and they too can become empowered to not remain silent and tell their own stories of survival. I’m so proud for the courage, love, and support that victims and survivors show everyday. They are the heroes and they deserve the praise !! I created the page and my blogs to help others (I’ve been a f-t volunteer for 13 yrs and currently serve over 7 non profit organizations). I can only hope and pray that victims know how truly blessed and honored I feel everyday to know that they too are being empowered by hope, faith and love in the journey in life after narcissism. I wish that I could say I have a wild vivid imagination and I’m just good at make believe and story telling but until you’ve lived this hell and torture of being involved with a narc you can’t simply understand. It’s more than just a mere breakup and you can’t simply just “let it go” and “get over yourself”.
The greatest gift is in helping others and even if it is just baby steps they are still steps in moving forward to healing and recovery from narcissism. 

I say to anyone who has been victimized to stand tall and stand proud. Don’t let anyone discredit the truth. Because the truth never lies and the truth always wins!! Victims are not to blame and their only crime was in loving a man or woman that was not capable of returning the favor.

 

Recovery from Narcissism ~ Keep the Negativity at Bay~

Truth is you can overcome narcissism~ Many of us have progressed in the journey from victims to survivors and I honestly dislike the term victim because it holds a negative connotation and you must understand that victims of narcissism often are blindsided by the narcs tactics of abuse and mind games, trickery, lies, deceit, and deception. Victims often have no idea this individual they became involved with could ever do the terrible things they’ve done and then discard and devalue without remorse or recognition for their entire involvement especially when victims gave so much of themselves, loved, trusted, believed whole heartedly in the narcissist.
I understand the pain, remorse, depression, anguish, guilt, shame, anger &fear but I also understand the freedom, love, compassion, patience, empathy, strength, faith, power, and pride that exists both during and after the journey. Honestly the strength comes from within, and while our page can provide the education, knowledge, traits/characteristics/disorders and shed light about personal experiences and healing &recovery in the end the choice can only be made by one person < YOU >. The healing can only begin when you understand and acknowledge the emotions and be welcome to change and progression knowing they are not yours to own, that they were wrongly placed upon you by a narcissist who was too insecure in themselves and felt a need to tear others down so they can build themselves up. The healing continues when you learn to uncover all their is about narcissism, let the emotions go, and focus on your healing and the power of forgiveness which need not include the narc but need be present to allow yourself room to grow, change, and evolve. Focusing on you while maintaining a great loving support group with no further contact and or communication is crucial to survival and healing.
I’ve read articles about discussions on whether it’s wise to call the narcs evil, monsters, cowards, emotional vampires, along with some other negative connotations and while I can’t say I disagree I try to shy away from such adjectives and descriptive terms to describe narcs because I want this page to focus less on negative and more upon positive with the central focus being knowledge is power, strength is numbers, overcoming narcissism, reclaiming and rebuilding and finding your true identity and self after narcissism and giving back power to victims and survivors in understanding they are not alone and healing is possible, help does exist if need professional assistance. Noting such descriptive words will only be used for educational purposes here on this page and will be limited to show the terminology used with NPD.
Yes, the hell, torture, abuse, danger was and is real but to constantly stay focused upon that issue is to stay a victim in my personal opinion. I prefer to stay focused on change, betterment, realizations, and I’d hope by sharing personal stories it helps others to heal and recover and give light to an otherwise dark subject matter in knowing victims are not alone that victims need not remain silent and that the focus should be on a number of areas including but not limited to:using hope/positivity/faith/love/compassion/empathy/strength/courage/ and love for oneself. I understand that some sources of information may talk down about narcs may feel a sense of strength by portraying narcs in this light daily, but honestly to me the narcs are sick, mentally unstable, traumatized individuals who regardless of born or made need help but often don’t admit that they are to blame. I don’t feel remorse for narcs but I do feel they need help and are to self absorbed and sick to get help and to admit they have a problem even though I believe many of the narcs know they have a problem and this just keeps the cycle repeating over the years. It’s why many scholars state it’s not the narcissist they see receiving help but rather the victims who are left picking up the destructive pieces left behind from a narcissistic relationship that will often seek counseling and therapy.
As always we are here for anyone who needs us, and while I’m not a professional I can state my personal experiences with a narc who had severe mental/personality disorders for the past 11 years in the hopes that others might feel a sense of comfort, love, peace, inner harmony, strength, and willingness to let go of the silence and fear and move towards happiness, love, and peace in reclaiming and rebuilding their life while uncovering their true self after narcissism.
With love xoxo
Image