Demi Lovato ~ Let It Go~
From the Movie Frozen but relevant to Narc abuse survivors
As a survivor of narcissism, silence/disassociation was the only way to cope. Fast forward 13 yrs later after an 11 yr marriage to the narc, and not only did things not become better, they became much worse. Left without a home, income, support, or any means to survive while raising 3 children alone and facing mounting financial problems(bankruptcy)associated with a lengthy 4 yr divorce battle with my narc and you will just begin to hit the tip of the iceberg. I found myself questioning how it would even be possible and questioned where to even begin the process. My narc discarded our family without hesitation. Refusal to pay support, tuition, medical, or anything to deal with the family he just left behind became common place. Warrants, wage garnishments, contempt of court actions, icc violation/arrest ,arrearages, protection from abuse orders, police reports, court hearings, probation, anger management, alcohol and drug programs soon became the new norm for my narc. Through love and support of friends and family I found my way, but it was no easy task. Please don’t make the common mistake of being compliant and being provided less than what you deserve.The narc is incapable of providing what a loving healthy relationship needs in order to thrive and grow. You cannot change someone who doesn’t believe they have a problem. You will never receive that apology or that explanation you need to validate their actions and you will simply waste your precious time and energy, while putting your own life , health, and future in jeopardy. Narcs will ruin your mere existence slowly taking every last piece till their is nothing left. Do not wait till you’re totally depleted before leaving such a hostile/volatile situation. Educate yourself and become knowledgeable, focus on you, establish healthy boundaries, and maintain no contact in the future.
Narcissist unfortunately treat children as objects. Children are an extension of the narc and are often manipulated and treated poorly. Kids deserve to have unconditional love, support, nurturing, and undivided attention. They are not a matter of convenience or pawns used to convince others you are an involved parent. Parenting involves more than just showing up and taking occasional photos. Xo
The Narcissistic Family
The narcissistic family hides profound pain. The narcissistic family operates according to an unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children’s emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible – not heard, seen or nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Narcs have an image to maintain to the outside world behind closed doors is when the masks falls and the Jekyll and Hyde personality appears. Narcissists are abusive, emotionally distant, non supportive, having a history of family secrets, unable to show love; communication; affection; or encouragement. In 13 yrs my ex narc never held our children, never encouraged them, never protective, never provided beyond just the basics. Parenting to him was simply the basics and nothing else. Co-Parenting was non existent, their was no love, no affection, no emotion, no connection as married couple raising family together, no discussion and communication was impossible and obsolete. No involvement or playtime with the children with years of empty promises.
Spotting A Narcissist Online
In real life narcissists gain friends but those friends eventually see the true narc and leave. Online is different, as others will simply not follow a narc, and ignore their behavior. Narc gravitate towards “selfies” and posting pics of themselves online. They seek to post the most attractive/attention seeking photos. If there’s an opportunity to look good, get attention, to appear attractive and to gather followers, it’s going to draw narcissists,” Campbell says, “whether it’s politics, media or social media.”
Why Targets Love Narcissists
Have you ever wondered why selfish, arrogant, and entitled individuals are so charming? These narcissistic people have parasitic effects on society. When in charge of companies they commit fraud, demoralize employees, and devalue stock. When in charge of countries they increase poverty, violence, and death rates. How do they do this? Well for starters they dress the part. They care a lot about appearance and dress to impress signaling a “status” that makes them attractive. Narcissists are experts at manipulating blame to go in their favor. They will take credit for others work and will appear to be a hard worker. When things go right they are present, when things are going poorly they are no where to be found, and abandon the situation placing blame on anyone other than themselves. Because they focus on power, control, and winning at all costs they are able to take leadership roles with ease. Character traits like charismatic, overconfident, and selfish are the perfect recipe for leadership roles. When dealing with charismatic individuals, a good rule of thumb is to delay making decisions — whether to hire that person, promote them, or take them on as clients — until you work out who they really are. Not all charismatic people are narcissistic, but many narcissists are charismatic, and the more charismatic they are, the more time it takes to spot them
Characteristics of the victim of narcissists
Have you ever felt nothing you do is good enough, have you had to walk on eggshells feeling anxious, making up excuses for the narcs behavior, or finding yourself feeling empty, depressed, or just not quite yourself? These are just some signs of the aftermath of being with a narc. Others may not even know that this is happening to you because often targets feel blame, embarrassment, or simply explain away the narcs true behavior to friends and family. Narcs enjoy limiting your communication with others, narcs are experts at accusing you of actions they themselves are doing and in time you find yourself requesting validation, acknowledgement, or permission to simply have a life outside of the narcs constant need for attention and support. My own personal experience was in feeling like I was a prisoner in my own home, as my narc would monitor my every behavior. My narc made more false accusations than I could ever dreamt possible, and would constantly have you walking on eggshells. He enjoyed leaving notes explaining what needed to be done when he was away from home, and expressing his angered feelings on occasions without ever having open dialogue or communication. Always spoke to me in the third person especially when writing a love poem (or his best version of trying to fake it) and never being in the same room at once was quite the norm. When our marriage ended, I learned he would get new targets by stating he was divorced in his mind, or that our marriage has been over for quite some time yet he was telling me he showed his love by simply coming home to me and our kids each weekend, and how he’d never divorce because it meant he failed and that he doesn’t fail at anything. He often told others that his needs weren’t met, even though I worked to exhaustion to supply those needs. Not many friends or family knew we were married because he classified me as his kept woman and business partner after an 11 yr marriage never his wife, lover, or friend. He had very few “friends” in his eyes, and even more enemies. Always projecting the world was against him, and always requiring you do more yet never appreciating your efforts or reciprocating in kind. As time went on I found myself hiding the truth about our relationship because his actions were so bizarre and crazy that I knew no one would believe them. I have since learned that he is now doing the same to the new supply. I learned that she too is being abused and that she denies these actions to her friends yet her friends know the truth. She denies cooking/cleaning/tending to his every need because she knows that she’s only their as a source of supply to do the things he needs done and nothing more. It’s so sad to see the destruction narcs can cause, but I’m grateful to be out of this abusive, hostile environment, and I’m enjoying my new found freedom.
Release the labels, they do not define you! ~♥~
Why Self Love Is The Most Important Love
Never allow a narc to define your self worth before, during, or after the relationship. You are worthy, you do hold value, and you should never allow the narc to play the disabling mind games against you. Love bombing is the perfect example of a narcs use of control to make you feel their love is real through flattery, declarations of love, and romantic encounters that bond you to the narc. Instead, put the attention squarely on you, focus on what you like, treat yourself to dinner, plant your own garden rather than wait for flowers to be provided to you. ~♥~
What can I do when no contact isn’t an option? If you must continue contact with the narcissist in your life due to having children in common or even if it is a family member in question, you can still have “limited contact” and still follow a strict discipline regarding that person. The fact is most narcissists will continue to try and extract energy from those closest to them if that energy outlet is still open. The very best method for stopping the narcissist in his tracks is to refuse to give him or her your energy. Period! So instead of having a strict “no contact” rule you can implement a strict “no energy” discipline that involves not buying into the drama created by the narcissist to suck you into his or her web. the narcissist knows he or she is getting a reaction out of you then that person gets a charge out of that reaction. The “charge” I speak of is energy. Therefore when you react you are giving the narcissist your energy. So it is time to practice the art of “non reaction.You have every right to set your boundaries and this is an absolute “must” when dealing with a narcissist. If you are dealing with child visitation and exchanging the children back and forth then you must specify what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate and then be willing to follow through. Since narcissists will argue their point until blue in the face, it is important not to engage in the argument. If the narcissist raises his or her voice, yells, screams or acts inappropriately then you don’t have to tolerate this. You can give the clear message that you won’t tolerate hostile tones and either hang up the phone or close the door. Never open the door to your home if the narcissist arrives unexpected or uninvited. And it is best not to invite him or her in when exchanging the children. You have to give the message that this is about the children only. Your personal relationship is over and will not be discussed. Anything having to do with your character or even your parenting skills is not open for discussion. You will need to make it clear, preferably in writing, what is open for discussion