~The Narcissistic Father and the Wife and Children He Left Behind~

ImageI recently read a blog on this subject and it triggered some memories of my narcissist .

I was married to a malignant/psychopathic narc for 11 years, we were together for 13yrs,separated and now divorced for the past 4 yrs, and had 3 children one medically disabled.
One of the things that most stood out about his parenting style was the lack of care and concern for the welfare of our kids. 
His constant need for attention and admiration was never ending so much so that he would turn on his own family including his children to seek that attention and be the center of the universe at all times. This was most evident on vacation.
Now when I say a vacation I should clarify because it’s not a relaxing day on the beach unless you’re speaking on behalf of the narc.

A vacation to the narc involves a two day overnight stay within a two hour driving time and you must do all the work. He would simply show up after taking a two hour long shower, while you got the stuff packed, loaded into the vehicle, house cleaned, kids dressed, kids fed, and kids into vehicle and then he’d conveniently show up with his small little overnight bag. His odd behavior continued as he put his head back once in the vehicle, and ignored everyone in the car, until you arrived at the destination. Narcs do not help by any stretch of the imagination nor communicate. They simply pretend to sleep and or pretend to read a magazine (in fact my family used to laugh because he never changed the page), or simply look out the window. If any of the kids had to use restrooms along the way he would get out and help himself and go alone to the man’s restroom never offer to take my son but rather leave me with all three kids to take into the ladies room.
He was always cold, distant, obnoxious, but never worse than in small enclosed hotel rooms.
Upon arrival at the hotel, he would wait in the vehicle with the kids, and I would then have to pay for hotel (as I also had to reserve the room online), get the room key, and unpack, and then he’d arrive like the “king” to the room, see the work that needed to be done and walk out so that we could unpack while he ran off for his normal cup of coffee and bagel and go to local bookstore by himself to avoid the work. This was the routine of our 2 day adventure. It was exhausting in every way to do all the work, pack the car, get the kids ready, fed the kids/bath/dressed them, get all three in the car, drive to the location several hours away, unpack, run up six flights of stairwell. It was no vacation!

However, I remember one particular time when our baby daughter started crying around 12am. Now this was rare as thankfully my kids usually slept through the night. However on this day she was hungry and crying. My narc actually stated, “Shut her the f (bomb) up” and then walked onto the balcony and closed the glass sliding door to our Wildwood NJ hotel. He wasn’t the center of attention and his own daughter was taking his spotlight. I was floored, scared, alone, and couldn’t believe this just came out of his mouth. He eventually came back in once the baby settled in for the night. Never once did he attend to any of our childrens needs. He bought their love but that was the extent of his fatherly role in their lives. He never taught them anything unless you call reading one -two pages of a bedtime book reading during his every other weekend only visits throughout entire 7 yr marriage as we were separated the last 4 yrs (thankfully). His idea of helping was to force our kids to pick out a book and he would only read no more than two pages and walk out , no kiss goodnight, no hug, no affection. Always cold and distant and always taking credit for my work the one who did teach them everything they knew and who was present 24-7 365 days per year.

Another red flag moment was upon arriving to the hotel and getting all settled in ready to go out and see the town, only to have him leave alone to get coffee claiming he’d be right back (don’t hold your breath here). lol I recall one time he left us and walked in with a pizza knowing I had just driven several hours from PA to NJ and our entire family was hungry yet he sat and ate in front of us rather than ask if we wanted some knowing he was soul income provider.

The other moment came during a trip to the beach with the kids. As we were walking my stroller became stuck at the edge were the water meets the sand. He turned looked, took the kids out of the stroller I was pushing and kept walking off w/o me and w/o assisting me get unstuck from the sand in the scorching heat and near of all things a porta potty. He never walked with us, never held my hand, always blamed his inability to walk side by side as a foot problem called fashianitas, and his lack of holding the kids was due to his nerve damage in his hand in which he couldn’t hold children whom when born weighed only 4lbs. Ironically he was witnessed pulling up his own body weight roughly 200 lbs or so unto a metal pipe for doing pull ups in the garage and he ran races for a living as he grew up a runner and continued that tradition. Funny his foot problems didn’t hamper his efforts in running a 7 minute mile race but did bother him when walking slowly with his family?

Still yet other occasions, when we walked back my arms full of buckets/shovels/beachtoys and he sat and watched his daughter fall on slippery wet surface near the spot they rinse their feet off before heading into hotel. When asked why he didn’t catch her to prevent her from falling , his statement was,” that’s how she learns not to fall” and this occurred even when riding a bike.

So many times at home he would treat the kids as mere objects and extensions. For instance if he wanted something done but didn’t want to do it himself he’d get the kids to do it for him. He never helped raise the kids, he only used them to serve his purpose. If the kids had birthdays or holidays he wouldn’t show up or if he was home you’d have to beg him to attend and quite frankly I stopped having parties at home because of his odd behaviors. He wouldn’t help plan, set up, or take down he only showed up conveniently for himself (if you were lucky enough to be in his presence). He would start problems before the event, so that the attention was always on him and you of course were then viewed by others as being the troublemaker for trying to defend yourself against his lies, deceit, and mischevious ways. He also never sat at a table with the rest of the party, he avoided other family members at all cost and would sit alone in a nearby room.

I recall many times when he would promise the kids he’d take them out of the house to his favorite spots either hardware stores or toys r us only to take one and not the other child that he originally promised to take, or simply walk out without taking any of the kids. I would find them crying on our steps upset their own dad would do this to them.

Yet the most troubling for me was when he never showed up for the birth of our kids. The biggest red flag of all, because here I was with emergency high risk c sections on all three yet he never showed up till after it was all done and we were ready to go home. If he showed up he walked in the room, no discussion unless it was to tell me how busy he was on the rentals and how he had to get back to work, and then he’d leave. Never asked to hold our newborn daughter or son, never showed up for the birth, no affection, no love, no compassion for just giving birth, no question of how I was feeling or if I needed anything nearly dying to have all three kids NOTHING.

Ironically when my son was born med disabled and fought for two months in nicu his father never showed. He used every excuse from he wasn’t allowed to the normal excuse of being busy. In fact instead of showing up he tried to take the lame way, and he tried calling the hospital rather than show up to find out information. Of course HEPA laws prevent providing information to anyone over the phone. That gave him his reason to “BLAME” and his reason why he never showed. Truth is my son’s grandparents showed up nearly every day for two months in nicu, they scrubbed down every day and drove over two hours just to spend a few minutes but they were there and it meant everything to me to not be alone. My son was born with vater syndrome and every day we didn’t know if he’d live or die. He had so many medical problems that he was classified by our state as being med disabled since birth and I had to go it all alone with my first child. My placenta had separated during birth and I nearly bled to death requiring two pints of blood during transfusion while my son had to be lifeflighted to a childrens hospital outside our area.
My husband never showed up, and then stated to me,” if I can’t handle it pull the plug” in dealing with a medically disabled child alone.

I will never forget this till the day I die.
My son’s own father cared more about himself and his needs than that of his own children.
Upon divorcing 11 yrs later we were discarded and devalued like a piece of trash.
His new supply now does all the same things we exhausted ourselves doing, and he has slightly altered his chameleon ways to try to impress behind closed doors but the narcs never change.
In time she too will experience the wrath of the narc and I can only say “good luck” as I wouldn’t wish this hell upon anyone.

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Let the truth ring true and the victim be allowed to speak against narcissism

ImageWhen I first began my blog and my facebook page I was amazed at how many people had been affected by narcissism and how it was truly a worldwide problem. I never expected in just over two months to have almost 6,000 followers on facebook and nearly 20 followers on my blog. I didn’t realize how much I was helping others in telling my own personal story of survival from narcissism until others began to tell me their own and had sent me messages in private or on public posts to thank me for my work and how helpful it was in their current situation with narcissism. Though our stories are all slightly different we all have that common bond of being involved with a narcissist and as time passed I realized the commonality between us was not much different other than the narcs involved extent and length of time of the relationships and the varying levels of abuse and trauma suffered.

For those unaware of my story it was similar to a fairytale. But it was more like beauty and the beast. I married a monster who appeared as a handsome intelligent, career oriented, family minded man but instead was abusive in every form : emotional, physical, verbal, psychological, and financial. I was married on a tropical island with a beach side wedding by sunset, and it was simply gorgeous. The narc worked full time five states away as I tended to planning the wedding and raising our medically disabled son born with vater syndrome. My narc only came home on weekends ( if that) so I raised our kids alone for the entire marriage. In hindsight I was caught up in the duties of being a new mom with a son born with problems that needed round the clock care, and ignored the warning signs that existed from the start. After our wedding we walked off to take pictures with our photographer who had to tell my narc to smile, hug, show affection, get closer, hold hands, and yes “kiss”. Can you imagine this on our wedding day that this would need to be stated to the new groom? Yet later on for the honeymoon when most couples would express their love, I spent it looking for my LOVE as he walked off and claimed to go for a run around a 20 mile long island yet disappeared for hours leaving me and our son alone in the hotel room after just saying our “vows”. It was supposed to be memorable, it turned out to be in hindsight another clue as I later learned he had an affair with a married woman just prior to leaving the states to marry and she became pregnant.  I eventually located my narc amongst the women lounging at the pool while I was awaiting his arrival for over 2 hrs. Needless to say the night was full of emotions, but not of the best kind. That honeymoon further signified our relationship because we consummated our marriage and our daughter was born from our union. However, more signs went ignored as I noticed he wasn’t present for any births of our children claiming to be busy working, and never showed interest in helping me his new wife who nearly died with 3 high risk sections. The relationship was more one sided as roommates with me being Cinderella the dutiful housewife professing her faith to her husband at his becon call and him enjoying his newly “single” life as a “married” man. The entire relationship of 13 yrs had more bad than good, everything was a lie, full of empty promises, broken dreams, and heartache.  Afterwards we had our third child which was not planned, and that ended our marriage because of adultery and continued affairs..

Fast forward 11 yrs into marriage, divorced, bankruptcy, unemployed, and having to go it alone with 3 children all under teen years. My ex took it all as he left us homeless after refusal to pay support/alimony, refused to pay medical/tution, refusing to assist in the raising of our children other than to take me to court to claim shared custody with only every other weekend visits. I had to file a protection order of abuse and was granted a 3yr order for which I was granted possession of our home during that time, however my narc filed a special relief hearing to try to have us removed from our own home, which he was instructed by the judge that his legal actions brought against us was illegal. This didn’t stop the madness as he continued using the system to try to gain revenge. I’ll never forget when the system failed us and while sitting awaiting support for over a year, w/o income, and having to live off credit cards to support our family the system than awarded my narc 21,000 wiping out arrearages of over 15,000 all because he paid our utilities, mortgage, and one years tuition forcing us to repay 200 month back from our support which was only $778.84 for family of four. Yes you heard me right..While I lived without the basics , lost our home, and had no income living off credit my narc was applauded for paying our bills. The house was inherited so we never received it, the houses all mortgaged to prevent us from receiving any monetary amount, and the home was repaired for termite damage from 30 years earlier further devaluing the property. Yes you are correct if you say it was all planned from the beginning as my narc new exactly how to work the system from day one.

In the end I had to garnish his wages, issue contempt of court, have him arrested for violation of our protection order and have him on probation with anger management and alcohol and drug testing ordered and mandatory. Our family was left with nothing but the shirts we had on from the thrift store, as we left it all behind at our former residence. We were awarded but have not received  55% of his pension, our name taken off a mortgage and replacement of the nearly 12,000 that he emptied from our 3 kids college funds and the only thing to date we received from our decree was the 8 yr old car in our possession (that he tried to take) this after 11 yrs of marriage. He kept the house, the rentals, the income from both, our legal fees were each our own along with our credit card debt, and the money we have yet to see including the pension and the removal of our name from the mortgage as he now is in contempt for that too. The affairs I later learned were at least one a year, the hidden adoptions that I have legal records of both adoption produced an additional two children along with my 3 kids so they have half brothers out there. Truth be told never ignore the red flags.

We now live on public assistance and have searched with a masters degree begging for employment that would pay enough to leave the public assistance. We have had to file bankruptcy and at every turn are reminded of the narcs evil ways and destruction as we piece our lives back together.

However, the worst was when I created my narc page to help others and learned that his new supply blamed me for his faults. People I called my friends that I thought were my friends turned out to be my foes who would back stab at a moments notice. Even when I came on board to facebook to help others it turned out that I had located a page that was using my material and not giving me credit. When I responded by asking they simply give me credit for my work, the admin of the page professed an abundance of anger, hatred, and animosity that escalated to the admin of the page making false accusations against me because they were jealous of my success in acquiring fans who listened to me tell my story and who believed in me. I reported their actions to facebook and some of their post but not all were removed. They accused me of paying to get likes which not only can I not afford but it’s against my morals and against facebook standards. They accused me of being a narc because I asked my page be given proper credit (which should you ever stick up for yourself or your beliefs this will always be their response) and  accused me of having forced others into believing in forgiveness as a stepping stone for recovery which I noted is just one way to achieve recovery and doesn’t mean to forgive the abuser or their actions nor does it mean it’s the only way for recovery , it means forgiving “the raw emotions that were wrongly placed upon you” to find yourself and to heal . 

I couldn’t believe anyone could be so cruel but the truth is that you sometimes have to remain guarded because you can never tell.

You have to stand up for yourself and your beliefs as those who are afraid of the truths will always tell lies to diminish your successes.

As for the storytellers, the enablers, the harem of loyal followers:  I simply say thank you! Because I have never felt so strong, so empowered, as I did the day I left my ex narc for good 4 yrs ago. I never felt more genuinely true to myself than the day I read the stories of my fans and I cried happy tears knowing I was doing so much good in simply not remaining silent and in telling my story others were able to relate and know they too are not alone and they too can become empowered to not remain silent and tell their own stories of survival. I’m so proud for the courage, love, and support that victims and survivors show everyday. They are the heroes and they deserve the praise !! I created the page and my blogs to help others (I’ve been a f-t volunteer for 13 yrs and currently serve over 7 non profit organizations). I can only hope and pray that victims know how truly blessed and honored I feel everyday to know that they too are being empowered by hope, faith and love in the journey in life after narcissism. I wish that I could say I have a wild vivid imagination and I’m just good at make believe and story telling but until you’ve lived this hell and torture of being involved with a narc you can’t simply understand. It’s more than just a mere breakup and you can’t simply just “let it go” and “get over yourself”.
The greatest gift is in helping others and even if it is just baby steps they are still steps in moving forward to healing and recovery from narcissism. 

I say to anyone who has been victimized to stand tall and stand proud. Don’t let anyone discredit the truth. Because the truth never lies and the truth always wins!! Victims are not to blame and their only crime was in loving a man or woman that was not capable of returning the favor.

 

Recovery from Narcissism ~ Keep the Negativity at Bay~

Truth is you can overcome narcissism~ Many of us have progressed in the journey from victims to survivors and I honestly dislike the term victim because it holds a negative connotation and you must understand that victims of narcissism often are blindsided by the narcs tactics of abuse and mind games, trickery, lies, deceit, and deception. Victims often have no idea this individual they became involved with could ever do the terrible things they’ve done and then discard and devalue without remorse or recognition for their entire involvement especially when victims gave so much of themselves, loved, trusted, believed whole heartedly in the narcissist.
I understand the pain, remorse, depression, anguish, guilt, shame, anger &fear but I also understand the freedom, love, compassion, patience, empathy, strength, faith, power, and pride that exists both during and after the journey. Honestly the strength comes from within, and while our page can provide the education, knowledge, traits/characteristics/disorders and shed light about personal experiences and healing &recovery in the end the choice can only be made by one person < YOU >. The healing can only begin when you understand and acknowledge the emotions and be welcome to change and progression knowing they are not yours to own, that they were wrongly placed upon you by a narcissist who was too insecure in themselves and felt a need to tear others down so they can build themselves up. The healing continues when you learn to uncover all their is about narcissism, let the emotions go, and focus on your healing and the power of forgiveness which need not include the narc but need be present to allow yourself room to grow, change, and evolve. Focusing on you while maintaining a great loving support group with no further contact and or communication is crucial to survival and healing.
I’ve read articles about discussions on whether it’s wise to call the narcs evil, monsters, cowards, emotional vampires, along with some other negative connotations and while I can’t say I disagree I try to shy away from such adjectives and descriptive terms to describe narcs because I want this page to focus less on negative and more upon positive with the central focus being knowledge is power, strength is numbers, overcoming narcissism, reclaiming and rebuilding and finding your true identity and self after narcissism and giving back power to victims and survivors in understanding they are not alone and healing is possible, help does exist if need professional assistance. Noting such descriptive words will only be used for educational purposes here on this page and will be limited to show the terminology used with NPD.
Yes, the hell, torture, abuse, danger was and is real but to constantly stay focused upon that issue is to stay a victim in my personal opinion. I prefer to stay focused on change, betterment, realizations, and I’d hope by sharing personal stories it helps others to heal and recover and give light to an otherwise dark subject matter in knowing victims are not alone that victims need not remain silent and that the focus should be on a number of areas including but not limited to:using hope/positivity/faith/love/compassion/empathy/strength/courage/ and love for oneself. I understand that some sources of information may talk down about narcs may feel a sense of strength by portraying narcs in this light daily, but honestly to me the narcs are sick, mentally unstable, traumatized individuals who regardless of born or made need help but often don’t admit that they are to blame. I don’t feel remorse for narcs but I do feel they need help and are to self absorbed and sick to get help and to admit they have a problem even though I believe many of the narcs know they have a problem and this just keeps the cycle repeating over the years. It’s why many scholars state it’s not the narcissist they see receiving help but rather the victims who are left picking up the destructive pieces left behind from a narcissistic relationship that will often seek counseling and therapy.
As always we are here for anyone who needs us, and while I’m not a professional I can state my personal experiences with a narc who had severe mental/personality disorders for the past 11 years in the hopes that others might feel a sense of comfort, love, peace, inner harmony, strength, and willingness to let go of the silence and fear and move towards happiness, love, and peace in reclaiming and rebuilding their life while uncovering their true self after narcissism.
With love xoxo
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Never Remain Silent About Narcissism~ Keep Telling Your Story

Trust victims when they tell you their stories of abuse~ I’ve found during my own personal struggles against narcissism and in telling my own story how truly difficult it becomes to simply have your voice heard. Highly regarded professionals such as lawyers, police, detectives, or judges must believe the victims. Often times friends or family find it’s difficult to process and understand just what you’ve experienced as a victim of abuse.

Regardless of how many times you’re discounted keep telling your story because you are helping others who are too afraid to speak out against violence. In my area my abuser was very well known, wealthy, had a high paying job, good career, highly involved in politics with numerous inside connections and networks, and heavy on donations to every charity from local colleges to local political parties. My narc always told me no one would believe my stories because of his wealth, power, prestige and yet it still didn’t stop me from telling my story. I knew somewhere, someone, in someway would one day have to sit down and hear me speak and acknowledge the truth about what happened behind closed doors. The evidence doesn’t lie, pictures of abuse, police reports, legal documentations, history of violence, it speaks volumes on the narcs behalf. I know what silence can do because I’ve had close friends die at the hands of their abusers and I didn’t want to become a statistic of domestic violence.

I spoke up and continue to speak because I know their are others out there all over the world that have similar stories, that have stayed with their abusers for a variety of reasons, and that are afraid to speak out. I speak because what happened to me is the truth, and because the courts often lack resources and knowledge about narcissism.
I speak because re-victimization occurs way too often and it needs to stop. I speak for those who can’t speak. I speak because narcissism is real, it isn’t a façade for the victim but reality and victims are suffering at the hands of their abusers~ Do not allow anyone to blame you, to try to make you think you are somehow the cause of the problem or worse you have narcissistic tendencies due to your involvement with a narc, or somehow that you are anything beyond normal because this is not the case.


I have a MPA degree the same degree as my narc and have worked alongside lawyers and public defenders. I graduated with high honors on the deans list and honors list, and belong to every high honor society organization. You cannot make the victim mentality up. There is no one on this planet that could make up this type of abuse with such vivid accuracy if they haven’t experienced such absurd, bizarre, behavior from the narc. ~Believe the victims their stories are real~Tell your stories and never be afraid to speak out against abuse~♥
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~The Emotionally Distant ~Family Portrait Boastful Narc~

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Personally my narc would pretend to be involved by taking pics of our children yet they were simply mere objects in his presence who never received a drop of his time nor attention nor unconditional love and support. Our narc caused our family to be homeless by refusing to pay support and utilities, refused to pay kids tuition/medical coverage, and refused to allow them a home to live or a vehicle for transportation or even provide a safety net for their future. He emptied all their college funds for all three children, mortgaged all the property, and sold off every asset.
It amazes me how a narc will use images to proclaim their connection with others. Mine used old family portraits especially those of higher status quo (military members)to classify himself as a normal proud boasting family member in reality he was an absent, emotional distant, withdrawn abusive man (which I use man loosely).
How could someone pretend to have a connection with people that he didn’t care about, that he couldn’t care if any family member lived or died? Recalling how he stated emphatically how no one did anything for him, yet I can state emphatically his mother gave everything she had to the narc (her only child). She gave her home, her pension (after her death) , her assets, her savings/checking, her material possessions and so too did every woman before her to the point of exhaustion. I recall vividly asking him to help shovel snow from her sidewalk yet he refused claiming she brought her ailment of lung cancer upon her because she smoked and was told by doctors to stop, so in her last dying days he refused to help her nor comfort her, and so she died without her son’s love ~ a hole in her heart~ I would suppose.
I cannot imagine the cruelty and heartlessness narcs have for their own flesh and blood. Placing a picture of a distant relative, parent, child(ren) or spouse doesn’t mean anything if A) you’re not in the picture with them and B) you have no connection to the subject matter in the picture. You can not simply place a photo of someone else and pretend to have involvement and make a connection when none exist.Upon his mothers passing he places a simple obituary remembrance in the paper yet where was he during her years of life was he truly there for anyone , did he truly give of himself to protect, love, nurture, provide, and assist his own family….truly sad.~

REQUIEM FOR A LOST MOTHER’S DAY BY NARC

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As you read my narcs ” Requiem for a Lost Mothers day” that follows this commentary please note : This was the one and only attempt at an apology. The narcs do not care for holidays or special events, this was left to me on the table after mothers day was over without thought of his wife and kids. However this one was his best foot forward effort at a apology and in a way validation at mirroring back to me everything I was feeling about him, all my work he took credit for, how I gave of myself to the point of exhaustion, the lack of intimacy in marriage, the lack of connection with kids and self. The most interesting thing about this letter was how he distanced himself in the writing from third person viewpoint. While reading you have to understand it was all a façade , a play of sorts, with his role as the master puppeteer. The narc appears at first glance to be sweet, caring, & CHARMING IN HONEYMOON PHASE (notice all the red flag moments charming, not spending money on others & courting women/harem and affairs) in his mind. Follow the words carefully and you will see the subtle clues. The wilted flowers never wilted he just never wanted to spend money on anyone but self so he’d ask for refunds and make up lies. Notice how he mentioned courting women ~ he failed to mention how this never stopped in marriage. Multiple affairs, and 2 hidden adoptions later. Notice no mention of my name rather reinforcing the words about a woman who for me is “THE ONE” (HUGE red flag#1) Notice the attempts at sounding romantic yet in person no kissing, hugging, holding hands or even sitting together in same room at once and no communication (2 ships/one sided). (red flag#2) Notice his idea of providing to family involved only work and providing just basics. What happened to having a relationship/marriage and focusing on needs of others? Remember you must make yourself available for a relationship and be present to provide unconditional love, nurturing, care, support, intimacy, communication, fidelity , faithfulness, commitment, trust, and protection. Notice how he “SWIFTLY consummated the relationship” “It did not seem RUSHED” (red flag #3). My narc then tried to PROJECT back to me by putting himself down with words like self centered and lashing out~MIRRORING back to me what he thought I felt.(red flag #4) Notice his comment about his wife being a KEEPER (red flag #5)  ie. “kept woman /business partner” (was his actual definition) . He then notes,” she combined BEAUTY with utter TENACITY and few women possessed both”).(red flag #6) . Remember they look and pray upon certain women with certain traits. Notice how he “blamed” circumstances around him rather than accept responsibility. (Red flag #7). Notice how he had no connection with subject matter such as noting “his charming little blonde daughter, three little ones, a woman” (Red flag #8)as mere objects and extensions . Proceeding to note how he didn’t take care of house nor help with kids and his STRONG wife took care of it all and gave him his space. (red flag #9).  Noticed he mentioned,” he might get depressed yet he’s a very optimistic person” in same sentence. (red flag#10). The up and down moments ~eggshells~. Notice the jekyll and hyde how he wakes up each moment to do good…I wish I could remember the good he did. (red flag #11) His admittance to not being warm and fuzzy, not a family oriented man is quite the understatement. (red flag #12) Prepare yourself for grand finale: “Truth is I am as married to my work as my wife…. I love to help people help themselves, I love to make communities better places to live with greater opportunity and comfort to everyone quoting a claim from Bobby Kennedy government belongs where EVIL needs an adversary and people in DISTRESS cannot help themselves.” (**Enter Narc Award here**). Notice the ending  how he quotes Kahlil Gibrans insight on love, and how love doesn’t mean togetherness nor fusion but rather a COLLABABORATION that makes each stronger and better together than apart. I must give my narc credit to note he fell short on intimacy but yet immediately blames, work, weather, & commuting. I must note he omitted his viewpoint on love and entered Kahlil Gibrans version. I suppose writing about someone you claim to love such as your wife and kids from an 11 yr marriage is a difficult process for a narc. It was certainly a struggle for him to pretend he was married, to gamely keep providing while noting in same breath how he never helped , never made self available, and never showed love or affection, and yet this was LOVE ~ oh wait~ BUT THAT WAS THE FALLACY !!!! signed  #  #  #  
 
~Requiem for a Lost Mother’s Day : By Narc~
I made an unforgiveable disaster of Mother’s Day.  Sentimentally aggrieved over failing to place an annual memorial on the newspaper’s obituary page the previous December, I sought redress when I read of a Mother’s Day tribute to be published in May. I found a nice old photo of my late mother and her only son, made sure it was published, and felt good about it. Only to totally forget to include a photo of my living wife with our children.  Abashed, the egregious oversight I thought could be assuaged through delivery of a unique floral display, or so it looked online.  Reality produced a comically small wilted mass that I demanded and obtained a refund for, but the moment was irretrievably lost. Yet would a photo in a newspaper or even a nice bouquet do justice to a woman, who for me, is “The One?” And short of these truthfully inane trite displays, how can I pridefully prove she is The One without violating tragic precepts in the style of Thomas Wolfe’s You Can’t Go Home Again?  That wonderful novel told the tale of an aspiring writer who used his hometown as inspiration, only to find its residents deeply unhappy with him for too truthfully showing them as they are.  But sometimes in seeking to avoid to offend you commit the sin of denying the truth, so the truth I shall expose. I first met her via a dating ad, back in the days when those weren’t yet online, but at the time I was too immersed in a new political career, and I vaguely recall the first date taking a detour to check on some constituents’ roads that were  being repaved, and the first date was the last. Then I went through a period of youth when I courted as many women as voters but was far less successful with the women than the electorate.  To wake up one day in my late twenties and find I had no one but desperately wanted to cast off the youthful indiscretions and establish a household and family.  Lying in bed in a luxury hotel at a conference in Washington, I awoke in the middle of the night and remembered her.  Unable to find a pen and paper, I carved her name in a bar of soap from the bathroom. It actually was that dramatic, as unbelievable as it seems. No email yet. A simple written letter, something today already as forgotten as stone tablets or scrolls. Frankly I doubted she remembered me and if she did the impression I must have made on that long ago date must have been terrible.  Yet I felt I had to try.   The only sure way to fail is to not try, and because I tried, I did not fail. She did in fact contact me. We did in fact go out and had a wonderful time and swiftly consummated our relationship. Strangely, it did not seem rushed at all, but “right.”  Thus my belief she was, “The One.” Even the baby seemed unsudden and right.  When she insisted on helping me prepare a nursery in a spare bedroom, we worked together, as partners, I was so pleased. How many times had females I was with expected me to do everything and never pitched in?   Tragedy nearly conquered. An emergency surgical delivery amid out of control bleeding left her whiter than the marble of a gravestone.  The little boy had almost intractable problems, a rare genetic condition that required repeated life-threatening newborn surgery to connect his throat to his stomach, while he also suffered from kidney problems and had minor skeletal fusions.  I never thought he would make it.  She on the other hand, literally willed him to life.  And in that little boy I saw her persistence and faith and from the fusion of us was born optimism.  Nearly ten years old now and I have never encountered a person as optimistic and persistent and kind as my own son. Born of the mother.  And the mother was the stronger of us. I failed in this crisis. She was like a rock. And that bred further love and devotion in me for her.   Sadly, my esteemed grandmother became terminally ill, although she had lived a long and healthy life and dying in your late eighties is more a celebration of life than a tragedy.  My grandmother, usually a hard judge of people, told me abruptly one day my wife to be was a keeper because she combined beauty with utter tenacity and few females possessed both.  The insight of 87 years, and the sole comment my grandmother ever afforded me on any of the young women I had been with.   I could not deal with women who make ridiculously expensive spectacles of weddings. This woman I chose made an amazingly affordable yet enviously memorable wedding in a sunset small ceremony on the beach of Grand Cayman in the Caribbean Sea.  Learning just hours before my grandmother had succumbed, I failed again. And again my woman held me up.   I could not catch a break. My relatively young mother, barely retired in her late 50s, was stricken with wasting fatal lung cancer just after I nearly lost my son, lost my grandmother, and due to a change in elected leadership, lost the town manager job that was my great accomplishment and daily challenge and joy. And of course the woman, now the wife was my support and extended a kindness to my mother I never expected in our hectic turmoil of establishing a household, caring for a medically challenged little boy and with a beautiful young female infant conceived in Grand Cayman now on scene, demanding time and sleepless nights. But my wife never faltered, allowing me to find a new job in faraway Washington and spend time rebuilding my position while she alone most of the time, managed our home, took care of the children and  provided patiently kind attention to my failing mother through her last days.   My horrible, traffic-clogged seven hour drive home upon learning of my mothers’ demise was one of the worst days of my life, but my wife remained calm and kept the house running and the children occupied as I did what needed to be done. And in my short sighted stupidity, I criticized my wife for not attending the frigid graveside service though in reality my wife was sad and did not want me to see her grief and as a mother was trying to protect her young children from truly terrible weather, but I just lashed out. And instead of being angry, she stood by me.  And it birthed in me greater love and devotion.
  Then came my charming little blonde daughter.  Now three little ones and again the strain of a newborn. And again my wonderful wife shouldered the load especially at the outset when in my weakness I was mired in depression over my mother and did not even take care of the house as I had, let alone helped with the kids. And my strong loving wife gave me my space.   Like anyone, I might sometimes get depressed, but I am a very optimistic person. I never give up, and I wake up each morning ready to do something good in the day. I would like to think my wife considers me as the girl considers the Colonol in Ernest Hemmingway’s Across the River and Into the Trees: “…the girl loved him because he had never been sad one waking morning… he had experienced anguish and sorrow. But he had never been sad in the morning. They make almost none like that, and the girl…knew one when she saw one…” Warm and fuzzy and family oriented I shall never be.  I was not raised in a large family. I am extremely problem-solving and goal oriented and don’t make small talk well. Truth is I am as married to my work as my wife and I am not ashamed of that.  I love to help people, I love to help people help themselves, I love to make communities better places to live with greater opportunity and comfort for everyone.  “Government belongs where evil needs an adversary and people in distress cannot help themselves,” Bobby Kennedy once said and I have always belonged to government.  But it’s hard to explain to a devoted wife and young children that they have to share you and I’ve always done an incredibly poor job. And I guess my love of long distance running does not help either, everyone remembers, “The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner.” Not exactly a family activity.   Yet I recall the insight on love in spoken in Kahlil Gibran’s beautiful work, The Prophet: “You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” And I think this is where many modern marriages fall into difficulty. Love does not mean being together all the time. Marriage is not a fusion, but rather a collaboration that makes each stronger and better together than apart. But while I fall sadly short on the intimacy,  I try make up by relentlessly providing.  I literally drive 500 miles a week to my faraway job, where I work 10+ hour days, and spend 2+ hours a day commuting. Then I come home, manage a rental property business, and relentlessly worked on renovating and repairing and improving our house.  I went deeply into personal debt to ensure the wife and kids had everything. And it was a struggle for me because as an only child I was used to accumulating things for myself and now I had to fight to think and do differently but I never said anything.   And I never said anything the days I was deeply tired and deeply depressed. Gamely I just kept at it, always providing.  It was my way of showing everyone how much I loved them.   But that was the fallacy.  Why would they necessarily have to believe my relentless providing was demonstrating love. In their eyes I fear the time I spent working was instead viewed as selfishly maniacal; that my work, not them, was my love, and the providing was merely a curious effect, not the expression of love. I forget the words of The Prophet on Giving:  “You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” I fell down again, but on this, my wife did not and could not help me.   And thus, Mother’s Day.  A day to celebrate The One which I turned into a debacle of self-centered uncaring.  There was nothing wrong with memorializing my mother; but honoring my wife should have come first.  There was nothing wrong with wanting to provide a unique bouquet; but the effort should have been made in person at a florist’s, not impersonally over the internet.  And above all, the need, however difficult for this remote impersonal man, to emote in person, in words, the sense of love, wonder and appreciation.  Or the requiem shall not be for a lost Mother’s Day, the requiem  shall be for love lost.
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Why Money Is The Root of Evil for The Narc~ Yet Victims Root is Love of Family

ImageLook at it from a different angle. The narcissist had nothing ventured nothing gained. You had everything invested including your heart and soul so yes it is hurtful and even more so if the narc was abusive/mind game warrior in every form. Many have asked how I made it out and the answer was this: I knew I had to protect myself and my kids after I was physically abused. I could no longer live like a “prisoner in my own home”. The fact I had no savings, income, employment, home,while my narc made threats about everything from removing me from our own home by way of constable to taking my car as marital assets , to not providing payments to live for that month non of it mattered it didn’t stop me from leaving. The fact I had no money, lost our home, lived off credit cards and had to pack 11 yrs of personal belongings alone with a bad back during daylight hours after our utilities were turned off didn’t stop me. The fact I lived off credit cards to raise a family of four one med disabled son awaiting arrearages over 15g’s while warrants and wages garnished against my ex narc didn’t stop me. You see even after having my kids college funds emptied of nearly 12g’s for all 3 accounts didn’t stop me. Why? Because I nearly died to have my kids. My son was born disabled and I had a placenta abruption. At that time in my life my ex spouse stated to pull the plug on our child (a huge red flag) yet I didn’t stop. Why? My kids are my life, my heart and my soul. The one thing he couldn’t do was destroy my soul. He wrongly assumed in his sick mind it was about $$ yet he failed to understand love of family trumps $$. Materials such as homes/cars/ assets are worth nothing if you have no heart , no love, no joy and no one to come home too. A house is just a house. So after a 4 yr divorce he took everything and we were left with a 7 yr old car with nearly 90g’s mileage and bankruptcy and yet I didn’t stop. You can never stop someone who refuses to give up. I’d never give my narc that satisfaction. When he tried convincing others that his spouse was crazy I produced my MPA degree I earned on my death bed after doctors told me I had 7% chance to live while my son struggled to live with 2% survival rate. I then reminded him of my dean’s list/honors list/ and every fraternity and award achieved for honors and personal achievements. I reminded him of just who did his work (while he resided five states away playing house with other women and only coming home for weekend visits for 13 yrs), ran his errands, placed his items on credit, and raised a family alone successfully while running a home alone and his rentals all while he took the credit. I created this site after years of living in fear, torment, abuse, neglect, and pain. I had no one to turn too, as no one understood the depth of narcissism.  I wouldn’t wish what happened to us to happen to even one more person. As for my narc I do not forgive him but I do forgive enough to let it go for my own personal healing and to be a productive/loving/nurturing mom to my children. I know the narc discarded/devalued w/o a second thought and so I sat and thought if he wouldn’t waste one last breath for his wife of 11 yrs  and his own kids then why would I let him rent space in my head?? You see the reason the narc targeted us in the 1st place was because we are everything he can never be, whether male or female the narcs will project back to you what they think we want to see. They are basically mirroring back to you what you put out there. So do as I did consider it a huge compliment that they wish they could be like you, move forward with your head held high in reserving your dignity, and know that the narcs actions speak volumes on their behalf w/o them even opening their mouths to utter the words. Save and document everything and show the true narc whether it’s by way of protection order, arrest papers, adoption paperwork, court records, support/alimony records, legal documents, txt messages to mistresses, garnishment records, warrants, pictures of abuse/damage to property, financial documents or whatever else you may have and let those documents speak on your behalf!! With love ‪#‎narcfree

The crazy odd behaviors of the narcissist

ImageQuestion how many of you experienced odd or strange behaviors from the narcissists? Of course I have too, and tried to find something related to this topic because it always made me curious as to why they acted so bizarre. For instance mine would turn his back and walk away in mid conversation, he would use chemicals while I was bathing or wood stain/paint in dead of winter w/o proper ventilation. He never answered your calls placed at work, and once home acted too busy to talk/have relationship like two ships passing in night/roommates rather than spouses, unless of course you were busy (that was perfect time). Never let anyone know we were married and near the end told me I was a “kept woman/business partner”.Never slept in bed unless he wanted something and would leave after his 30 min of fun for him (because of course that too was one sided). He never had face to face interaction, no expression, no affection. The only time I can recall holding hands was at our wedding (12 yrs ago), kissing was all but obsolete. Mine never walked with me side by side always blamed his foot problems yet he ran marathons? Go figure? He never wanted to be seen in public together, social outings were almost always out of the question, if he did go he acted immature, uncooperative, non communicative, expressionless to the point of wishing to go it alone. If you tried to discuss anything and it wasn’t going his way he’d throw temper tantrums like a two yr old and of course then the verbal accolades would come out. He was demeaning and would throw money at my feet knowing his family was dependent upon his income to live. Emotionally distant and reserved feeling superiority would result in our company having to wave their hands in front of him to garnish his attention. I’ve read on some sites that narcs also will just “appear” and mine was famous for it. I swear he tapped our phones/bugged our home because he always knew my next move especially when gathering evidence against him for divorce. He was very sneaky/secretive often hiding, never taking the same route when driving, never going from point A to point B, never allowed interior light to be on in the car at night. Lying was so commonplace even if just basics like what he wore to work that day. Never happy with mood swings that were beyond norm, never could relate to anyone on norm level, carry conversation, or joke with freely. He had no sense of romance, sex was a medial act, as he noted he could do it with anyone (robotic). He always would walk with clenched hands or shake his feet or hands claiming caffeine addiction? Never sat in same room together, ate together, or even on same couch together, if you were in the room at the time he’d walk out because of the loner persona, completely had no idea how to conduct normal relationship. Wined and dined the harem of women but treated me his wife like doormat material especially our kids. Never once held our children, showed up for their birth, or shown any affection such as holding hands, empathy, concern, or support. The few occasions times he attempted interaction with kids it was so bizarre. If raining you should hide under the table, kids should not have interaction but sit in front of tv or shop to buy their love, if room was cluttered from buying their love that was my fault, never played games with them, if on vacation (2 day limit) that I paid for he’d leave them in hotel with me. Oh yes vacays were for his enjoyment only! He simply packed his overnight bag, jumped in car, put head back while pretending to sleep to avoid communication, and was ready to go, all else was your job. His idea of food shopping or normal shopping together was hurrying inside w/o helping kids or gathering a cart, and run inside to wait for us to enter the store, while he would then get his coffee and read a magazine while you did all the work, and he’d like clockwork show up to pay and then leave so you could pack it up. He always seemed to look over his shoulder I assume this was do to the numerous affairs and adoptions he had with other married women that I learned occurred during divorce proceedings. Authoritative style, if he said “jump” you better do it. Everything he did was for his own self gain/benefit never concerned about anyone. The abuse was horrendous with every form imaginable including emotional, physical, verbal, psych, and financial.  Hired out help like water, felt it was beneath him even for basic household chores, taking garbage out, cutting grass, yard work, carrying groceries/appliances/air conditioners yet would claim after words no money to provide for his own family after doing these activities. I could write a novel on the odd behaviors….

Does the Narcissist ever think about his legacy?

ImageAs a survivor of an 11 yr marriage to a narc in which we had 3 beautiful kids (one med disabled) I often wondered this question,”Just what is his legacy and does he care?” As a masters graduate I consider myself to be highly intellectual and searched endlessly online to address this issue. While finding many articles about the destructive patterns left behind I found nothing to describe the legacy of the narcissist from his view. So I give you my personal experience to fall back on in hopes it may shed some light not only on his legacy but his own family dynamics as an only child , raised by a single divorced mom, with apparently an abusive father and strict live in grandmother. I recall when my ex narc first decided to marry and had asked his grandmother what she felt about me, she noted I was a beautiful woman , strong, intelligent, with utter tenacity that many women do not possess these days. With that my ex narc knew he had a great “target/supply” as he never would call me his wife but rather his “kept woman” and “business partner”. I learned through the first few years this family had many hidden secrets, including alcoholics, abusive backgrounds, sexual promiscuity and promiscuous business dealings, as well as many skeletons in their closets that they kept to themselves. After 7 yrs and the itch that apparently comes at that milestone I began to sense something was off in our marriage. Hidden agendas (late night get together dinner meetings), single lifestyles, financial concerns, marital concerns, child rearing concerns, and the infamous other women (affairs, hidden adoptions (2) and countless text messages with female co-workers). The worst thing to do to a narc is question the behavior because the wrath you’re subjected to is enormous. I suffered every form of abuse and because I was dependent upon his income (gave up career to raise kids) it afforded him every control including financial control. Begging for money from an only child not used to sharing was the most degrading form of humiliation. As time progressed and truths manifested and abuse became severe I abruptly left, taking the kids to a safe haven, filing a protection order ,and subsequently support. My 3 kids and I lived nearly 2 yrs without support, no income, no assistance. We eventually had to garnish wages, issue warrants, and contempt charges, and then have him arrested for violating the protection order. Fast forward four years later, three atttorneys including bankruptcy, and a long drawn out divorce ,and you will just hit the tip of the iceberg. He fought me relentlessly for everything and took it all in the end. After 11 yrs of sacrificing my career to further his own, after raising kids for 13 yrs alone while he resided five states away with only weekend visits we divorced and I was left devalued and discarded with absolutely nothing to show for my years of hard work and labor. He took our only home/rentals (mortgaged to the max) he sold off our assets, emptied bank accounts, even our childrens college fund was wiped clean nearly 12,000 dollars worth for three kids. He even attempted to take our only vehicle I used for transportation purposes to and from school, doctors visits and hospital stays. In the course of it all I asked myself often one word “WHY”?. What had I done to deserve such hatred and animosity? I gave this man everything I had, so much so, I had to have surgery for a ganglion cysts on my wrist from working so hard , and had 3 degenerative disks in lower back and vertigo. I never expected sympathy but I sure did think he would help out, give unconditional love and help raise our family. The devalue and discard was so difficult to endure. Yet I knew I raised a family alone, had 3 great kids who performed well in social settings and school, had control of MY finances, and had no problem relating to others, even obtaining my masters prior to giving birth. Yet something was missing. I once asked my spouse about his legacy after learning of his affairs, adulterous ways, and hidden life/secrets. His response was not what you’d think from a normal person. He rarely spoke and if you had to communicate he would turn his back to you and not look you in the eye. He wrote love poems and spoke in the third person as if I was just a figment of his imagination . His emotional distance and disconnect was mind boggling to me, I couldn’t comprehend how a father of three could simply walk into a hospital room look at his newborn child and mother of his child and walk out claiming he had work to do and was always busy. It floored me when my disabled son was born, having spent two months in nicu/intensive care, and yet he never once showed up. I later learned he had given up a child for adoption while we were married just one day prior to our 2nd childs birth but yet it still never added up. He would speak so negatively about his own mother and family. Claims such as his mother was never around, and never did anything for him was a blatant lie. After marriage we began living together it was then the truth surfaced about his”mom” and she was the sweetest most loving caring attentive woman on this planet. So why then did he make up this story of neglect? Most likely for his own self image, boost his own ego, sympathy vote from me his target. However, he never did answer my question, what is his legacy? I asked this time and time again, because upon getting older now early 40’s I felt it was time with our children to focus on our future. He never did, he lived for him, his focus was him, his wife and his kids are mere extensions of himself. You see narcs simply are fixated on themselves. They don’t care the destruction and turmoil left behind. They will devalue and discard on a moments notice and have the new supply waiting in line before you even leave. What puzzled me was the lack of remorse, empathy, concern for others. My husbands mother did it all for him right up till the day she died. She cooked, cleaned, paid his bills, (heck she bought our engagement rings, paid for his groceries, paid for a portion of our wedding) she ran his errands, put a roof over his head, and even on her deathbed she gave him her home, her pension, her car and every asset, even her money left aside in her checking and wrote explicitly in full detail where to go, and how to go about receiving the funds and assets she worked so hard to obtain. Yet he was so full of hatred against women that he never had a kind word to say about any women in his years. All his ex’s including myself are considered crazy, money hungry, and not worthy of this man who needs pedestal placement. I recall his mom on the last days of her life, on oxygen from years of smoking, struggling to breath, yet he still refused to help her. He stated she brought it upon herself by smoking, she was told to stop and didn’t therefore she deserved to suffer. I was in tears, as she was a beautiful women inside and out. How could you not help your own mother, especially after she raised you alone and gave everything to him (her only child). During a recent snowstorm he flat out refused to shovel her sidewalk knowing she couldn’t come out and do it herself , yet I was pregnant and did the job for her. Just sick, plain sick. What was more confusing is the idea of posting images of his family as if he had a personal connection. Ergo back to the logic of his legacy? What is your legacy if you are emotionally distant from everyone while only showing as façade to others, and have no truth in your life. If your whole life is a complete lie how do you leave a legacy? I wondered is his legacy the multiple affairs, the abuse his wife and kids suffered, is it his walking out upon us, his avoidance of responsibility to raise and support a family, his lack of success, financial problems, and using others to further his own agenda? The sickest thing he stated was how he showed love by providing for us but only the three basics (food, clothing, shelter) as if we didn’t need to feel an emotional connection, we didn’t need love , affection, attention, or communication? How can you not think about the destruction you caused and the lives you’ve ripped apart? I suppose placing pictures of loved ones is good for self image/self promotion to others, but how can you plaster up thousands of pictures of your family on your walls at home, in your office, or in your wallet you carry daily if your not connected to them in any way? How can you hate your parent while they are alive saying negative disparaging words yet after death show remembrance of their life by posting their remembrance photos in the local newspapers? Should you not appreciate and value others while they are alive? Should family not be your number one priority in one’s hectic busy lifestyle? I suppose since I’m not a narcissist I will never know the answer as to what his lasting legacy will be, as I’m sure he has written us out of the will, he took our home/rentals and everything we once built together, he cancelled our life insurance policy, and refused to provide support/alimony/tution/ medical coverage for us, yet the question will forever be there for him to answer one day,” what is your legacy?”…  I can assure you I know the depth of the pain, the abuse, and my children will forever be scarred because of his narc rages. Will his legacy be to rule in fear/terror/threats/ intimidation/authoritative/ militaristic style? I pray the children (however many that exist) that he gave up selfishly for adoption know that they were better off, and I pray one day they may receive the answer as to why? These children two of which I’m aware of plus my three deserve to know and make their own judgment call. As for me I have moved on with my children, we have been narc free 4 yrs and still recovering. Thank god I got out, escaped the abuse, and can now openly tell my story. I pray my story will help other narc survivors understand it’s the narcs problem not yours. Give the emotions back to the rightful owner and let it go. Heal yourself and stay strong. xoxo

Discard and Devalue

ImageDealing with the aftermath is never easy. However understanding your emotions, allowing yourself time to heal, and proper placement of the narcs behavior can help. Give the emotions back to the rightful owner. You are only responsible for your own actions not the narcs!! The narc discarded and devalued with the idea that targets would then stay in this mental frame of mind, revictimizing themselves long after they leave. Once a victim realizes this they then can begin to heal, take the apology never given, and accept what happened. Knowing you can’t change the past helps you to concentrate on building a new future. Rather than play into the narc mind game I learned to reverse the process and outwit and outsmart the narc at every turn. Narcs can’t twist facts when legal documents exists. Narcs believe their above the law, superior human beings. However the wheels of justice will eventually catch up. Document everything because it’s the best way to showcase the true narc! They may run from those they discarded and devalued but they cannot hide and discredit the paper trail of destruction that speaks volumes on their behalf! #MPAdegree