Narcissists and Families- Devalued, Discarded, and Turned Against One Another

Image How can anyone have children or get married knowing they have problems including mental associated with narcissism? How could someone bring children into the world knowing they are incapable of loving another human being, supporting, and providing the nurturing atmosphere necessary for growth and development? Can you imagine being told the person you just married doesn’t consider themselves to be family person and doesn’t feel any emotions towards family..

Have you ever watched the interaction or little thereof between a narcissist and their children? The most crucial of life’s precious moments are missed such as those very important milestones and accomplishments and not because they can’t be present but instead because they don’t wish to be present, making it easier to hide behind their work or their own successes. In my personal relationship my narc was never present from birth and never showed up at the hospital for our children’s births especially my first born. Narcissist will always find a reason to not go out of their comfort zone and be present. For instance my narc noted he didn’t show for his son’s birth because of Hepa laws since he tried to call but was refused by law medical information over the phone. So instead of showing up in person he ignored it all together and then blamed work scheduling. Never ignore the red flag moments such as this,” if you can’t handle it pull the plug” as my son struggled daily for life. This statement from a man I had just married and gave birth to our new born son.

Have you ever tried to have a special moment or event and have it ruined by a narcissist who cannot be happy ? Special occasions and birthdays were increasingly difficult because the children’s father would simply not show up, hide away in another room, or pretend to be busy. He appeared emotionally distant ( no hugs, no kisses, no affection)and never interested in anything that pertained to other family members. Ever try to capture that special moment on camera? Narcissists dislike being seen in public or being captured in photos. Our narcissist refused to look at the camera (much worse than a child) and would actually look away to the side so most of our family images portray an adult man who seemed very disinterested as if possessed by evil. I later learned he had given up two other children for adoption and believe his reason for the birthday photos that he was adamant I get with the kids’ actual numbers showing their age in the photo was so he could keep it all straight since he never knew the date of any of our childrens births or special dates like our wedding or anniversary or my birthday. The narc hated to part with his money and so if the family wanted vacations, or to dine out, or catch a movie it was near hell to pay upon our return as happiness was not allowed and money was to be budgeted but only for us as the narc made his own and could spend as he so choose.

Children should never be ignored and treated as less than human but you can rest assured a narcissist has no time for anyone other than themselves. Leaving our kids at the base of our steps after promising them they would be taken somewhere became commonplace. The narc would promise to take one child and when that one became ready to go would suddenly changed his mind and take another child making the original child very upset and hurt. He would never watch them accomplish any goals but would be there to watch them fall and believed this was how kids learn not to do things again. Spending quality time resulted in placing our children in front of a tv and putting a dvd in while he sat reading a book. He never attended school functions, never taught them any milestones such as walking ,talking, reading or writing. Families are the backbone of society the source of strength where morals and values are learned they are not invinsible and easily replaceable.

Parental involvement isn’t just presents but presence. Buying gifts because of not being present doesn’t qualify as being a good parent because gifts are not unconditional love and children need love, attention, and affection. Our home became cluttered with toys but unfortunately kids can live without toys it’s the presence of a loved one they need most. I once heard this statement ,” I want others to feel sorry for me and that’s why I tell my story of narcissism” . When you understand that narcissists blame victims and will start up the smear campaign before discarding this makes sense. They want others to believe they had it rough, they were abused, they had items taken from them, they tried to hang in there for the kids but reality paints a different picture of the other parent. The other parent that has narcissism will refuse support, will empty out accounts, may become violent during departure requiring protection orders, will defy authority and think they are above the law, will hide assets, will take whatever they can feeling a sense of entitlement and will not care what they leave behind as long as they have what they need for themselves.. Full time single parents who do the work daily need not be shunned or ostracized but rather should be applauded for keeping it all together and being the responsible parent. You can expect narcissist to take the work of the other parent who is doing it daily. They will be present for the good but magically disappear when things aren’t going as planned.

Victims don’t ever tell their stories for appreciation, admiration, or sympathy. Victims and survivors know from experience, because they were on the front line much like being in a war zone, and they have lived the horror and the hell. Many victims and survivors struggle for years to rebuild and make themselves feel whole again while the narcissist moves on seemingly unaffected by the circumstances that caused others so much destruction. Unfortunately my family was left homeless after we lost everything, we were left with zero income for over a year and had to garnish wages simply to receive support resulting in bankruptcy. We were left with nothing but some used thrift store items previously purchased and an 8 yr old vehicle that he tried to also take from us. We had to rebuild from scratch and I say we because the reason I left the abuse and never looked back was for us my kids and I as it was never about one but about the four of us as a family. My kids are my world and it saddens me that a father would try to jeopardize that relationship.

I tell my story in the hopes that others can relate and find hope in healing and  in moving forward to uncover their true authentic selves. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and certainly cannot make this up even with the most vivid imagination. Unless you lived it you wouldn’t understand it nor be able to talk about it. Believe victims and stop re victimizing victims.

 

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One thought on “Narcissists and Families- Devalued, Discarded, and Turned Against One Another

  1. The narc has been absent for the last 4 years….the discoveries I made after he left, some acknowledged, some denied, were atrocious. He set up our three, classically, scapegoat, golden child, and little girl….yet, in her senior year, interrupted by biopsy, and ultimate diagnosis, couldn’t return once. Until graduation, so he can be the great father. Disgusting. One day he will be seen by them for what he is, pathological. Until then, I do everything to keep us afloat, and know that we are so much better for his absence. I hope, in my lifetime, I will see him receive what he deserves, and know that he will finally feel the pain he inflicted on those who were devoted, unconditionally unto him.

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