~The pro con narcissist and the ponzi scheme~

ImageHave you ever wondered how you ever fell for the pitiful sob story that the narcissist tells everyone? The one where they are the victims , they have fallen on hard times, they have so much potential if only their luck was better?

As a victim and now survivor ( 4 yrs narc free) I can recall so many empty promises, broken dreams, and financial disasters. Upon marriage I never questioned our finances as I assumed my spouse was taking care of business. He was the financial bread winner and I was the dutiful homemaker and we agreed I’d stay home to raise our family.

As time went on I noticed many discrepancies in our finances. Bills not being paid or late, bills in my name for items not ordered nor requested, missing funds, quicken accounts that were always in the negative as if no money was ever available. How could anyone use another for simply their money or the benefits and then walk away? Enter the narcissist here as they feel they are superior. The marriage was simply a piece of paper and as a wife I was considered the kept woman and business partner. So this title I was given by my narcissist had me wondering business partner? Interesting when you figure I never had been granted permission to view our finances, to see any bills, or to know what came in or went out from our residence. I was kept in the dark to all matters involving finances yet somehow I was considered a business partner so how could this be?

Fast forward 13 yrs later when our marriage dissolved and you begin to see the well orchestrated , well planned, well manipulated plan come to light. Much like the Ponzi scheme my narc would lead me to believe our future was bright , we were building what he felt was a foundation to success accompanied with empty promises and my funds. What he failed to tell me was it was all a scheme to rid me of my very last cent and then I’d be discarded and devalued after I was exhausted trying to maintain the masterpiece of housework, wife , motherly duties. When I no longer could provide after I was maxed out and physically sick and exhausted he packed up and moved on to the next supply.

Upon filing a protection order we later divorced and during this 4 yr process I was left bankrupt and homeless and relying upon public assistance to support our family. I had to file for any and all assistance including housing, public, food, heat, and medical. I felt much like the victims from a Ponzi scheme as only the person at the top becomes rich while the others who fell for the lies of wealth, power, and prestige become poor. Taking from one victim to give to the next was a full time business and their was no shortage of new supplies to fill the need. The cycle continues until eventually the pro cons are caught. The enablers and loyal harem of followers are always present to give a helping hand.

You see I believed in the dream of planning for our future together. I believed and trusted in a man who said he was my husband and silly me thought he was my protector , my partner, someone I could confide in and love. Little did I know the plan was set in place as soon as I said hello. Narcissist target their victims and search for those with low self esteem and those they feel they can win over. Never feeling loved as an only girl growing up with 3 brothers, in a rural area with very lil friends, which made me a prime target. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents nor my family and to keep me silent wasn’t that big of a deal for him. To think that when he stated he had discussed the matter with his attorney the specifics of what I’d receive had I left only confirmed my suspicions. While he executed the plan with full precision he left no one immune to his wrath. He emptied every account, sold off every asset, mortgaged every property, emptied our 3 kids college funds of over 10 thousand dollars, took our only home and tried to take our only car. We were left with nothing and had to fight the legal system garnishing wages to get support and alimony. We never received alimony and our support was very little. We received only $778.84 for a family of four after he accrued over 15 thousand in arrearages while we lived on credit cards for over a year even though we showed direct deposits and one time payments using his own bank statements showing over $26 thousand in one time payments came to him during the time his wife and three kids (one child med disabled) went homeless and without income.

Just like the Ponzi scheme I believed in the lies, the beliefs of working toward a common goal and so I provided for my family when he claimed he couldn’t to survive even though I had no employment for the past 13 yrs. The pro con narcissist will take from their victims until they have nothing more to give and then will discard and devalue and move on without hesitation to the next victim that they already have lined up in waiting. As a wife of 11 yr marriage I was considered nothing more than a business partner and a kept woman.

Ironically I didn’t know how much of a business partner I was since I never seen nor signed not one federal tax in entire marriage. I never once seen our finances nor was allowed to have information relevant to our bills or finances. My narcissists kept everything hidden much like in a Ponzi scheme and never shared information even when questioned. I can say with certainty he knew what he was doing, knew the right words to say and the right actions to accomplish the greatest amount of funds and was very good at using others his entire life. When you marry you don’t think for one second that the person you married is out to get you, is planning your demise, is planning to use and abuse and walk away but with a narc you can be sure this is exactly the plan. They leave a trail of destruction behind and have enablers and loyal harem of followers that help them carry out the Ponzi scheme to the end. Only the person at the top makes the riches. Those that enter the scheme are left to pick up the pieces, repair their battered lives, and move on feeling lost and empty. You do not need to be married to experience the scheme as they will use anyone to their benefit and often money is involved. Whether a co worker, family member, friend, mutual partner, sexual partner, or acquaintance you can be sure the narcissist is only focused on what you can provide for them and how they can go about taking without ever giving in return. Beware of the narcissist who seem to blame the world, their past, or their prior relationships for their problems because these are red flags that can never result in a happy ending.

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Spotting A Narcissist Online

In real life narcissists gain friends but those friends eventually see the true narc and leave. Online is different, as others will simply not follow a narc, and ignore their behavior. Narc gravitate towards “selfies” and posting pics of themselves online. They seek to post the most attractive/attention seeking photos. If there’s an opportunity to look good, get attention, to appear attractive and to gather followers, it’s going to draw narcissists,” Campbell says, “whether it’s politics, media or social media.”

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Narc Discard

Accept the discard. Don’t fight it. Don’t try to convince the narc that he or she is wrong about you. (I made that mistake. I don’t want you to do that, too.) Instead, discard the narc like they did to you. This article reminded me of when my mom came to visit and asked me what was wrong with my husband, I commented why? She said he’s outside your home smashing your wedding photos.I’ll never forget it. I didn’t want to believe it, till I opened the door and seen him with my own eyes and then he went upstairs in our attic and did the same to more family photos the memories are something I will never forget.

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Cycle Of Abuse~ Honeymoon To Hell~

“The honeymoon behavior draws the woman in and keeps her invested in the relationship,” writes Cory in When Love Hurts. “The tension-building and explosion create fear, confusion and uncertainty that make any move to step away from the relationship dangerous and costly. The overall effect of living with the cycle is that it is exhausting and overwhelming.” There are three phases of abuse in the cycle: Honeymoon (Entrapment), Tension Building (Fear) and Explosion (Escalation of abusive tactics,this is the hell part of the cycle of abuse!).If you’re a woman who is being abused, you are not the reason he is abusing you. You are not responsible for his mood swings, anger, problems, or life. Abusers blame their victims, and emotionally manipulate their victims. To stop the cycle of abuse, you need to find a way to walk away from the relationship. Get strength, power, wisdom, and support from women’s distress lines, shelters, and people who understand the dynamics of abuse.”

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Baiting and Bashing

As you heal during recovery know that this is one of many ways a narc may have achieved control. Baiting and Bashing is used for control by diverting all attention from them unto you. The way it works is they will falsely accuse you of anything just to provoke a response/action from you. They then try to target you by getting others to support their behavior against you. The abuser enjoys receiving power/control from tormenting with impunity and the positive attention he or she receives from playing the victim and fishing for sympathy. The end result is to intimidate the victim in order to prevent them from speaking the truth. It’s is telling the truth about your story that you begin to heal.

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Dealing With Complex Feelings

Since many of us are at different stages, this may be more useful to some than others but it’s worth noting here on this site. When you leave the relationship with the narc you have many emotions and one way to deal with them is to use techniques such as mapping/brainstorming. In essence, you are writing down your feelings in order to release the emotions of how you feel.

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Passive Agressive Narcissist

Can a person who is passive aggressive be a narcissist?  The answer is yes, there are many strong similarities. A passive aggressive person and a narcissist are similar in that they have a grandiose image of oneself, over inflated egos, severe emotional abuse in childhood, have difficulty working cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional achievements, and they both have adversely affected interpersonal relationships.

Personality Disorders

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Personality Disorders

What is a Personality Disorder? ( PD )
Everyone has personality traits that can be characterized. These are the usual ways that a person thinks, feels, and behaves, which make each of us unique. Personality traits become a personality disorder when the pattern of thinking and behavior becomes extreme. This behavior may cause major disruption to a person’s life and are often associated with significant distress to the self or others.
Personality Disorders are Grouped into three clusters ( A,B,C ) as evidenced below. Research suggests that such things as genetics & abuse contribute to the development of Personality Disorders