It’s quite easy to stay in the victim mode and not wish to progress to survivor and thriver. However, it’s important to never blame yourself. You can only be responsible for your own actions in life.
All of us may have been given a bad hand, but it’s how we deal with the hand we are dealt that determines the outcome.
Similar to Tina Swithin in her post, “Gratitude to the Narcissist” and many of our readers, my divorce was never ending lasting 4 years. Moving forward in divorce from my narcissist involved custody, support, visitation, and protection orders. I had hired 2 ineffective attorneys and one attorney to handle bankruptcy due to being forced to live on credit cards awaiting support. Ironically, time has a way of showing you what is and isn’t important and the legal system shows you just how slow the wheels of justice can revolve.
I learned through the legal system that time can work for you or against you especially when seeking closure and healing. We live in a world of instant gratification and yet the wheels of justice never turn fast enough when trying to leave a narcissistic relationship. You can’t control and oversee every aspect and sometimes the not knowing and not being able to predict the outcome while leaving it in the hands of others serves a wider purpose. If you have to go to court you may have to sit across from or in front of your narc but know this is only for the court hearings and proceedings, and hopefully it won’t last to long. Nothing last forever.
In court, the most important thing to know is that you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to know all the answers but you do have to believe in one person “YOURSELF”.
The system often will fail, the justice may never be received, you’ll never get that apology or remorse from the narc but in the end it isn’t about the material possessions, assets or wealth it’s much bigger. So often victims are re-victimized by the system because the legal system is insensitive and not knowledgeable of narcissism and the effects upon the victims. Many books have been written about body language to help judges determine truth and often times body language of victims fails to take into account other factors that can alter the readings and cues like years of abuse, stress, ptsd, nerves, fear, terror, threats, emotional blackmail, intimidation and or violence which can alter the outcome.
So how do you get over the narcissist?
I can say emphatically this, “love yourself” and utilize internal healing and or professional assistance if you feel it’s necessary. Know your worth and the fact that you were targeted by the narcissist for those same qualities that can never be taken from you. Believe in you when nobody else will. Surround yourself with positive energy and support. Understand that there will be toxic people, loyal followers, harems and groupies that may try to belittle , chastise, and berate you on behalf of the narcissists but they are already beneath you which is why they chose to go this route.
Never believe toxic people and know that their agenda is not your own. Your worth is not based on what others think about you, your worth is based on what you think of yourself.
Never lower your standards and always maintain strong boundaries. Keep no contact enforced and never waiver. Stand firm in both your beliefs, values, goals, and dreams. Do what makes you happy and don’t let the narc negativity affect your positivity.
We all know that leaving a narcissist is not easy, but it isn’t impossible. A brighter future awaits. A future in which power, control, negativity is not the norm. A future in which you can be your true authentic self.
Gratitude is the key and knowledge is power. Be grateful for every day brings new blessings.
I’ll never forget volunteering for a homeless women’s shelter and hearing stories of survival from these beautiful and empowering women. It literally lifted my soul to know that while they had nothing they still were grateful simply to be alive. It was during this time that I was left homeless, w/o income, while having to accept free handouts while on government assistance. I recall how I felt that life couldn’t get any lower only to learn that I was truly blessed.
I walked away knowing that though I didn’t have much I had a supportive group of friends and family that loved me and sometimes that is all we need during trying times.
What are you grateful for in life after narcissism?
One of the things I told my narcissist was that it never was about the money, the assets, the material possessions. My personal story revolved around my living legacy my 3 blessings and my greatest gifts. My heart and soul belong with my children and they are the reason for my existence.
Dealing with your emotions as they arise is so important on the journey. Recognize emotions as they come to be, and deal with them to your benefit suiting your own personal needs.
I’m grateful in that I’m stronger and wiser because of my experiences and I have a greater sense of awareness, compassion, and empathy than ever before.
Helping others both in volunteering and through writing is something I’d never thought would happen but I knew that telling my story and having others share their own would be beneficial for anyone dealing with the same. Victims need to have a voice and they need their voices heard. Never be afraid to tell your story. Your story is so important to all of us.
You hold the power and you determine how your story will end. Rewrite a new chapter and keep the focus on recovery in life after narcissism.