Narcissists and Families- Devalued, Discarded, and Turned Against One Another

Image How can anyone have children or get married knowing they have problems including mental associated with narcissism? How could someone bring children into the world knowing they are incapable of loving another human being, supporting, and providing the nurturing atmosphere necessary for growth and development? Can you imagine being told the person you just married doesn’t consider themselves to be family person and doesn’t feel any emotions towards family..

Have you ever watched the interaction or little thereof between a narcissist and their children? The most crucial of life’s precious moments are missed such as those very important milestones and accomplishments and not because they can’t be present but instead because they don’t wish to be present, making it easier to hide behind their work or their own successes. In my personal relationship my narc was never present from birth and never showed up at the hospital for our children’s births especially my first born. Narcissist will always find a reason to not go out of their comfort zone and be present. For instance my narc noted he didn’t show for his son’s birth because of Hepa laws since he tried to call but was refused by law medical information over the phone. So instead of showing up in person he ignored it all together and then blamed work scheduling. Never ignore the red flag moments such as this,” if you can’t handle it pull the plug” as my son struggled daily for life. This statement from a man I had just married and gave birth to our new born son.

Have you ever tried to have a special moment or event and have it ruined by a narcissist who cannot be happy ? Special occasions and birthdays were increasingly difficult because the children’s father would simply not show up, hide away in another room, or pretend to be busy. He appeared emotionally distant ( no hugs, no kisses, no affection)and never interested in anything that pertained to other family members. Ever try to capture that special moment on camera? Narcissists dislike being seen in public or being captured in photos. Our narcissist refused to look at the camera (much worse than a child) and would actually look away to the side so most of our family images portray an adult man who seemed very disinterested as if possessed by evil. I later learned he had given up two other children for adoption and believe his reason for the birthday photos that he was adamant I get with the kids’ actual numbers showing their age in the photo was so he could keep it all straight since he never knew the date of any of our childrens births or special dates like our wedding or anniversary or my birthday. The narc hated to part with his money and so if the family wanted vacations, or to dine out, or catch a movie it was near hell to pay upon our return as happiness was not allowed and money was to be budgeted but only for us as the narc made his own and could spend as he so choose.

Children should never be ignored and treated as less than human but you can rest assured a narcissist has no time for anyone other than themselves. Leaving our kids at the base of our steps after promising them they would be taken somewhere became commonplace. The narc would promise to take one child and when that one became ready to go would suddenly changed his mind and take another child making the original child very upset and hurt. He would never watch them accomplish any goals but would be there to watch them fall and believed this was how kids learn not to do things again. Spending quality time resulted in placing our children in front of a tv and putting a dvd in while he sat reading a book. He never attended school functions, never taught them any milestones such as walking ,talking, reading or writing. Families are the backbone of society the source of strength where morals and values are learned they are not invinsible and easily replaceable.

Parental involvement isn’t just presents but presence. Buying gifts because of not being present doesn’t qualify as being a good parent because gifts are not unconditional love and children need love, attention, and affection. Our home became cluttered with toys but unfortunately kids can live without toys it’s the presence of a loved one they need most. I once heard this statement ,” I want others to feel sorry for me and that’s why I tell my story of narcissism” . When you understand that narcissists blame victims and will start up the smear campaign before discarding this makes sense. They want others to believe they had it rough, they were abused, they had items taken from them, they tried to hang in there for the kids but reality paints a different picture of the other parent. The other parent that has narcissism will refuse support, will empty out accounts, may become violent during departure requiring protection orders, will defy authority and think they are above the law, will hide assets, will take whatever they can feeling a sense of entitlement and will not care what they leave behind as long as they have what they need for themselves.. Full time single parents who do the work daily need not be shunned or ostracized but rather should be applauded for keeping it all together and being the responsible parent. You can expect narcissist to take the work of the other parent who is doing it daily. They will be present for the good but magically disappear when things aren’t going as planned.

Victims don’t ever tell their stories for appreciation, admiration, or sympathy. Victims and survivors know from experience, because they were on the front line much like being in a war zone, and they have lived the horror and the hell. Many victims and survivors struggle for years to rebuild and make themselves feel whole again while the narcissist moves on seemingly unaffected by the circumstances that caused others so much destruction. Unfortunately my family was left homeless after we lost everything, we were left with zero income for over a year and had to garnish wages simply to receive support resulting in bankruptcy. We were left with nothing but some used thrift store items previously purchased and an 8 yr old vehicle that he tried to also take from us. We had to rebuild from scratch and I say we because the reason I left the abuse and never looked back was for us my kids and I as it was never about one but about the four of us as a family. My kids are my world and it saddens me that a father would try to jeopardize that relationship.

I tell my story in the hopes that others can relate and find hope in healing and  in moving forward to uncover their true authentic selves. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and certainly cannot make this up even with the most vivid imagination. Unless you lived it you wouldn’t understand it nor be able to talk about it. Believe victims and stop re victimizing victims.

 

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~The pro con narcissist and the ponzi scheme~

ImageHave you ever wondered how you ever fell for the pitiful sob story that the narcissist tells everyone? The one where they are the victims , they have fallen on hard times, they have so much potential if only their luck was better?

As a victim and now survivor ( 4 yrs narc free) I can recall so many empty promises, broken dreams, and financial disasters. Upon marriage I never questioned our finances as I assumed my spouse was taking care of business. He was the financial bread winner and I was the dutiful homemaker and we agreed I’d stay home to raise our family.

As time went on I noticed many discrepancies in our finances. Bills not being paid or late, bills in my name for items not ordered nor requested, missing funds, quicken accounts that were always in the negative as if no money was ever available. How could anyone use another for simply their money or the benefits and then walk away? Enter the narcissist here as they feel they are superior. The marriage was simply a piece of paper and as a wife I was considered the kept woman and business partner. So this title I was given by my narcissist had me wondering business partner? Interesting when you figure I never had been granted permission to view our finances, to see any bills, or to know what came in or went out from our residence. I was kept in the dark to all matters involving finances yet somehow I was considered a business partner so how could this be?

Fast forward 13 yrs later when our marriage dissolved and you begin to see the well orchestrated , well planned, well manipulated plan come to light. Much like the Ponzi scheme my narc would lead me to believe our future was bright , we were building what he felt was a foundation to success accompanied with empty promises and my funds. What he failed to tell me was it was all a scheme to rid me of my very last cent and then I’d be discarded and devalued after I was exhausted trying to maintain the masterpiece of housework, wife , motherly duties. When I no longer could provide after I was maxed out and physically sick and exhausted he packed up and moved on to the next supply.

Upon filing a protection order we later divorced and during this 4 yr process I was left bankrupt and homeless and relying upon public assistance to support our family. I had to file for any and all assistance including housing, public, food, heat, and medical. I felt much like the victims from a Ponzi scheme as only the person at the top becomes rich while the others who fell for the lies of wealth, power, and prestige become poor. Taking from one victim to give to the next was a full time business and their was no shortage of new supplies to fill the need. The cycle continues until eventually the pro cons are caught. The enablers and loyal harem of followers are always present to give a helping hand.

You see I believed in the dream of planning for our future together. I believed and trusted in a man who said he was my husband and silly me thought he was my protector , my partner, someone I could confide in and love. Little did I know the plan was set in place as soon as I said hello. Narcissist target their victims and search for those with low self esteem and those they feel they can win over. Never feeling loved as an only girl growing up with 3 brothers, in a rural area with very lil friends, which made me a prime target. I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents nor my family and to keep me silent wasn’t that big of a deal for him. To think that when he stated he had discussed the matter with his attorney the specifics of what I’d receive had I left only confirmed my suspicions. While he executed the plan with full precision he left no one immune to his wrath. He emptied every account, sold off every asset, mortgaged every property, emptied our 3 kids college funds of over 10 thousand dollars, took our only home and tried to take our only car. We were left with nothing and had to fight the legal system garnishing wages to get support and alimony. We never received alimony and our support was very little. We received only $778.84 for a family of four after he accrued over 15 thousand in arrearages while we lived on credit cards for over a year even though we showed direct deposits and one time payments using his own bank statements showing over $26 thousand in one time payments came to him during the time his wife and three kids (one child med disabled) went homeless and without income.

Just like the Ponzi scheme I believed in the lies, the beliefs of working toward a common goal and so I provided for my family when he claimed he couldn’t to survive even though I had no employment for the past 13 yrs. The pro con narcissist will take from their victims until they have nothing more to give and then will discard and devalue and move on without hesitation to the next victim that they already have lined up in waiting. As a wife of 11 yr marriage I was considered nothing more than a business partner and a kept woman.

Ironically I didn’t know how much of a business partner I was since I never seen nor signed not one federal tax in entire marriage. I never once seen our finances nor was allowed to have information relevant to our bills or finances. My narcissists kept everything hidden much like in a Ponzi scheme and never shared information even when questioned. I can say with certainty he knew what he was doing, knew the right words to say and the right actions to accomplish the greatest amount of funds and was very good at using others his entire life. When you marry you don’t think for one second that the person you married is out to get you, is planning your demise, is planning to use and abuse and walk away but with a narc you can be sure this is exactly the plan. They leave a trail of destruction behind and have enablers and loyal harem of followers that help them carry out the Ponzi scheme to the end. Only the person at the top makes the riches. Those that enter the scheme are left to pick up the pieces, repair their battered lives, and move on feeling lost and empty. You do not need to be married to experience the scheme as they will use anyone to their benefit and often money is involved. Whether a co worker, family member, friend, mutual partner, sexual partner, or acquaintance you can be sure the narcissist is only focused on what you can provide for them and how they can go about taking without ever giving in return. Beware of the narcissist who seem to blame the world, their past, or their prior relationships for their problems because these are red flags that can never result in a happy ending.

Stop Victim Blaming

ImageVictim blaming is becoming more and more prevalent in today’s society. As a victim of narcissism and domestic violence I recently became subjected to this blaming from friends and family and those I thought would support me in my trying and very troubling times.
Over the course of a 4 yr divorce to a malignant & sociopathic narc I thought I experienced it all. My narcissist left my three kids and I with absolutely nothing but the shirts on our backs. We were left homeless after he refused to provide support for over a year and had to live on credit cards to survive. We had to garnish his wages, file a protection order of abuse for which he violated and was arrested, and try to recoup our losses. He sold off every asset, mortgaged all property, cashed out savings & mutual bonds, and emptied out my children’s college funds of nearly $12,000 dollars. He had left us destitute, broken, and hopeless.

The system failed us, the courts found his testimony credible even though we had every document imaginable including showing his pay stubs,direct deposits, bank statements, and one time payments that totaled over $26,000 dollars while we lived without income. We provided federal taxes to show further proof and submitted over 13 documents that day to no avail. I later learned cases such as mine in which abuse is involved almost always side with the abuser.

So here I was I gave up my career to raise a family. I was left unemployed, homeless, bankrupt and stressed beyond belief. Having hired two attorneys to deal with divorce and one to deal with bankruptcy money was extremely tight. I was left to depend upon handouts and public assistance. What saddened me is that the narcissist who devalued and discarded us after a 13 yr relationship and 11 yr marriage moved on without hesitation. A new supply had taken over and was doing everything I once had done and in my own home. She subsequently learned of my narcissist page and began stalking me on my page and on linked in business account. I couldn’t get away from the daily stress of having to provide for a family with a court ordered & wage garnished amount of $1,175 month for a family of four. Filing bankruptcy was just completed last week and my expenses exceeded my income by over $1,400 yet here I was plugging away to keep the boat from sinking.

As a single mom I did what I needed to do to keep normalcy in our lives after such traumatic events with narcissism. I experienced every form of abuse from physical, mental, emotional, verbal, psychological and financial. My husband always felt as though we had no bills nor expenses as only he had bills because I didn’t work, and so he only provided basics but not enough to pay our expenses. My husband resided five states away with only weekend visits for entire marriage and so I dealt with the abuse and when things became bad I would simply leave over the weekend and return after he left.  It was a constant struggle to explain to him the cost associated with raising three kids (one med disabled) and this while I shopped at thrift stores and clipped coupons while recycling and resold our used thrift store clothes back to consignment shops once outgrown to save a dollar. Yet, nothing I did was appreciated nor did it save a doomed marriage that was doomed from the start and planned out from the beginning.

Fast forward and I’m now picking up the pieces after learning of adulterous ways of my narcissist. My narc had multiple affairs resulting in my constant concern over std’s, and while in process of divorcing I was provided legal documentation regarding a hidden adoption to a married woman while married to me. The love child from this affair was given up a day before our 2nd child was born. My narc had also given up a child to adoption prior to our marriage. This is all just the tip of the iceberg.

High conflict divorce to a narcissist is a lengthy and drawn out battle. Narcissists feel they must win at all cost often to the detriment of the victims in which they are left with nothing. I had to find temporary housing immediately after our utilities were turned off and so I turned to family and friends for support. To my surprise the people I expected to help abandoned me in my time of need. I had an aunt who through the course of the four year divorce and on an unrelated topic told me to “get over myself” .
My own brother told me that I brought it upon myself in reference to my narc marriage. However, the biggest surprise happened yesterday on of all days my birthday. My youngest brother had arrived from out of state for a family get together event this weekend, and instead of being greeted with compassion I received hostility. I was told that my aunt had stated the above because she was upset that my parents provided me with temporary housing during my troubled times. He proceeded to tell me how unappreciative I was and yes “blaming the victim” ME. I couldn’t believe I was hearing these words come out of my own family members mouths after all I’ve been through they were blaming me. They were seemingly forgetting I was destitute, I had no home, no income, no assets, no savings or checking and had been discarded like trash on the street after a 13 yr abusive relationship that ended in my ex narcs arrest for violating a protection order.
While appreciative and grateful I felt as though they were using this as a crutch against me as if somehow I’m lesser of a human being for falling on hard times, and that this unfortunate situation should be hung over my head and magnetized daily. The main reason I didn’t want my ex narcs assets and money such as alimony was for this exact reason. I don’t want anyone to feel they did me a favor, they helped me when I was down, that somehow I now owe them, or that I am now connected to them in this way, and that I’m a leech upon them, or that they are better than me because of their ability to provide to someone who has fallen upon unforeseen hard times.  Instead of being sympathetic of my situation I was treated like the black sheep, labeled, and felt like a scapegoat blaming me for making them appear bad in society’s eyes as if somehow I brought this upon myself and could foresee the end result or have done anything differently.
When my husband’s actions turned physical I left immediately with my three kids and filed a protection order and never went back. I then filed support and subsequently we divorced four years later.

When I married l didn’t go into it with the notion that my husband would be planning my demise and strategizing to rid me of everything we accumulated and spent years building up together. I had no idea he was a narcissist and didn’t even know the meaning of narcissism. Ignorant of the red flags and not knowing they would become enlarged with time was something I couldn’t foresee. I didn’t know after giving up my life to bear children in which I nearly died having a placenta abruptio leading to massive blood loss and after almost losing my son to his disability that years later I’d be homeless, unemployed, unable to secure employment for lack of prior work experience and filing bankruptcy. Who could’ve predicted all this and who would want this to happen to them?

In the end, blaming a victim while making the accuser feel better and in control only re-victimizes the victim . My own ex narcs attorney told me I deserved the abuse. My ex narcs aunt told me I should’ve stayed and dealt with the abuse like she did with her ex husband. To this day, not a day goes by that I thank god I got out and left with my kids. My best friend told me to ” suck it up buttercup”. My ex narc told me to “go find some other sorry sucker to pay for it all” . My narcs supply even went so far as to call me a narcissist.

My son is now a teenager and my daughter is pre teen with my youngest being seven. We have endured so much and it’s a daily struggle but I write with the hopes of enlightening others on this topic of victim blaming.

You should never and I quote “NEVER” blame the victim. When victims are feeling down and depressed the last thing they need is to have someone make them feel worse about themselves and their situation. Victims do not ask nor expect to receive nor could they foresee that this abuse would’ve occurred. It’s not the victims fault and they are not to blame. For those who are victims and or survivors I want to stress that just because family is related by blood doesn’t mean they have your best interest in mind. Always watch out for your own and never settle for less than you deserve. As a freelance writer I urge those who have been re-victimized to get help and surround yourself with those who can relate to your particular situation. Find like minded individuals that can relate and that will help you to understand that it’s not your fault and that you are not alone. Sometimes family and friends may mean well but unless you lived through narcissism and sociopaths you can’t understand the hell and torture of being married to a narcissist. I would highly recommend keeping strong boundaries and never have contact unless limited for special circumstances such as children. Always look out for your own best interests.

As I sit here the day after my birthday I count my blessings. I have to always stress that deleting the toxic people from your life is the best thing you can do for you but also the hardest. I learned through all of this who my true friends are and who I can count on for support. I know that in the end I’m the only one that can be responsible for my happiness and I’m in charge of making sure my kids are provided the best that I can provide and in the end that is all that matters. It’s funny how life has a way of making us see what truly matters and what is worth fighting for. My kids are my world, and while I may have lost everything I own, and lost several friends and family members in the process I would never give anyone the satisfaction of bringing me down. I have come to the point in my life that I want to be surrounded with loving supportive people. Time is too short for trivial things, and life is too precious to be treated any less that what you deserve. I’ve learned as a 13 yr volunteer that their is always someone worse off than you and just to wake up after abuse and see a new day is the  greatest blessing in the world . I’ve lost a few friends who weren’t as lucky as me in getting out and seeing another day. Be grateful for each new day, stay strong, and do what you know in your heart and soul is right. You will be judged no matter what you do, but in the end the only thing that matters is that you’ve lived your life the best way you know how, you gave it your all , and you never gave up when things became bad. My living legacy is my kids and I think that speaks volumes on its own.

My life didn’t go as planned and that’s ok, because in these struggles is where the lessons are learned and character and courage is formed. So thank you to all those who’ve taught me such valuable lessons it’s because of you that I stand here stronger than ever before!!

With love xoxo