Victim blaming is becoming more and more prevalent in today’s society. As a victim of narcissism and domestic violence I recently became subjected to this blaming from friends and family and those I thought would support me in my trying and very troubling times.
Over the course of a 4 yr divorce to a malignant & sociopathic narc I thought I experienced it all. My narcissist left my three kids and I with absolutely nothing but the shirts on our backs. We were left homeless after he refused to provide support for over a year and had to live on credit cards to survive. We had to garnish his wages, file a protection order of abuse for which he violated and was arrested, and try to recoup our losses. He sold off every asset, mortgaged all property, cashed out savings & mutual bonds, and emptied out my children’s college funds of nearly $12,000 dollars. He had left us destitute, broken, and hopeless.
The system failed us, the courts found his testimony credible even though we had every document imaginable including showing his pay stubs,direct deposits, bank statements, and one time payments that totaled over $26,000 dollars while we lived without income. We provided federal taxes to show further proof and submitted over 13 documents that day to no avail. I later learned cases such as mine in which abuse is involved almost always side with the abuser.
So here I was I gave up my career to raise a family. I was left unemployed, homeless, bankrupt and stressed beyond belief. Having hired two attorneys to deal with divorce and one to deal with bankruptcy money was extremely tight. I was left to depend upon handouts and public assistance. What saddened me is that the narcissist who devalued and discarded us after a 13 yr relationship and 11 yr marriage moved on without hesitation. A new supply had taken over and was doing everything I once had done and in my own home. She subsequently learned of my narcissist page and began stalking me on my page and on linked in business account. I couldn’t get away from the daily stress of having to provide for a family with a court ordered & wage garnished amount of $1,175 month for a family of four. Filing bankruptcy was just completed last week and my expenses exceeded my income by over $1,400 yet here I was plugging away to keep the boat from sinking.
As a single mom I did what I needed to do to keep normalcy in our lives after such traumatic events with narcissism. I experienced every form of abuse from physical, mental, emotional, verbal, psychological and financial. My husband always felt as though we had no bills nor expenses as only he had bills because I didn’t work, and so he only provided basics but not enough to pay our expenses. My husband resided five states away with only weekend visits for entire marriage and so I dealt with the abuse and when things became bad I would simply leave over the weekend and return after he left. It was a constant struggle to explain to him the cost associated with raising three kids (one med disabled) and this while I shopped at thrift stores and clipped coupons while recycling and resold our used thrift store clothes back to consignment shops once outgrown to save a dollar. Yet, nothing I did was appreciated nor did it save a doomed marriage that was doomed from the start and planned out from the beginning.
Fast forward and I’m now picking up the pieces after learning of adulterous ways of my narcissist. My narc had multiple affairs resulting in my constant concern over std’s, and while in process of divorcing I was provided legal documentation regarding a hidden adoption to a married woman while married to me. The love child from this affair was given up a day before our 2nd child was born. My narc had also given up a child to adoption prior to our marriage. This is all just the tip of the iceberg.
High conflict divorce to a narcissist is a lengthy and drawn out battle. Narcissists feel they must win at all cost often to the detriment of the victims in which they are left with nothing. I had to find temporary housing immediately after our utilities were turned off and so I turned to family and friends for support. To my surprise the people I expected to help abandoned me in my time of need. I had an aunt who through the course of the four year divorce and on an unrelated topic told me to “get over myself” .
My own brother told me that I brought it upon myself in reference to my narc marriage. However, the biggest surprise happened yesterday on of all days my birthday. My youngest brother had arrived from out of state for a family get together event this weekend, and instead of being greeted with compassion I received hostility. I was told that my aunt had stated the above because she was upset that my parents provided me with temporary housing during my troubled times. He proceeded to tell me how unappreciative I was and yes “blaming the victim” ME. I couldn’t believe I was hearing these words come out of my own family members mouths after all I’ve been through they were blaming me. They were seemingly forgetting I was destitute, I had no home, no income, no assets, no savings or checking and had been discarded like trash on the street after a 13 yr abusive relationship that ended in my ex narcs arrest for violating a protection order.
While appreciative and grateful I felt as though they were using this as a crutch against me as if somehow I’m lesser of a human being for falling on hard times, and that this unfortunate situation should be hung over my head and magnetized daily. The main reason I didn’t want my ex narcs assets and money such as alimony was for this exact reason. I don’t want anyone to feel they did me a favor, they helped me when I was down, that somehow I now owe them, or that I am now connected to them in this way, and that I’m a leech upon them, or that they are better than me because of their ability to provide to someone who has fallen upon unforeseen hard times. Instead of being sympathetic of my situation I was treated like the black sheep, labeled, and felt like a scapegoat blaming me for making them appear bad in society’s eyes as if somehow I brought this upon myself and could foresee the end result or have done anything differently.
When my husband’s actions turned physical I left immediately with my three kids and filed a protection order and never went back. I then filed support and subsequently we divorced four years later.
When I married l didn’t go into it with the notion that my husband would be planning my demise and strategizing to rid me of everything we accumulated and spent years building up together. I had no idea he was a narcissist and didn’t even know the meaning of narcissism. Ignorant of the red flags and not knowing they would become enlarged with time was something I couldn’t foresee. I didn’t know after giving up my life to bear children in which I nearly died having a placenta abruptio leading to massive blood loss and after almost losing my son to his disability that years later I’d be homeless, unemployed, unable to secure employment for lack of prior work experience and filing bankruptcy. Who could’ve predicted all this and who would want this to happen to them?
In the end, blaming a victim while making the accuser feel better and in control only re-victimizes the victim . My own ex narcs attorney told me I deserved the abuse. My ex narcs aunt told me I should’ve stayed and dealt with the abuse like she did with her ex husband. To this day, not a day goes by that I thank god I got out and left with my kids. My best friend told me to ” suck it up buttercup”. My ex narc told me to “go find some other sorry sucker to pay for it all” . My narcs supply even went so far as to call me a narcissist.
My son is now a teenager and my daughter is pre teen with my youngest being seven. We have endured so much and it’s a daily struggle but I write with the hopes of enlightening others on this topic of victim blaming.
You should never and I quote “NEVER” blame the victim. When victims are feeling down and depressed the last thing they need is to have someone make them feel worse about themselves and their situation. Victims do not ask nor expect to receive nor could they foresee that this abuse would’ve occurred. It’s not the victims fault and they are not to blame. For those who are victims and or survivors I want to stress that just because family is related by blood doesn’t mean they have your best interest in mind. Always watch out for your own and never settle for less than you deserve. As a freelance writer I urge those who have been re-victimized to get help and surround yourself with those who can relate to your particular situation. Find like minded individuals that can relate and that will help you to understand that it’s not your fault and that you are not alone. Sometimes family and friends may mean well but unless you lived through narcissism and sociopaths you can’t understand the hell and torture of being married to a narcissist. I would highly recommend keeping strong boundaries and never have contact unless limited for special circumstances such as children. Always look out for your own best interests.
As I sit here the day after my birthday I count my blessings. I have to always stress that deleting the toxic people from your life is the best thing you can do for you but also the hardest. I learned through all of this who my true friends are and who I can count on for support. I know that in the end I’m the only one that can be responsible for my happiness and I’m in charge of making sure my kids are provided the best that I can provide and in the end that is all that matters. It’s funny how life has a way of making us see what truly matters and what is worth fighting for. My kids are my world, and while I may have lost everything I own, and lost several friends and family members in the process I would never give anyone the satisfaction of bringing me down. I have come to the point in my life that I want to be surrounded with loving supportive people. Time is too short for trivial things, and life is too precious to be treated any less that what you deserve. I’ve learned as a 13 yr volunteer that their is always someone worse off than you and just to wake up after abuse and see a new day is the greatest blessing in the world . I’ve lost a few friends who weren’t as lucky as me in getting out and seeing another day. Be grateful for each new day, stay strong, and do what you know in your heart and soul is right. You will be judged no matter what you do, but in the end the only thing that matters is that you’ve lived your life the best way you know how, you gave it your all , and you never gave up when things became bad. My living legacy is my kids and I think that speaks volumes on its own.
My life didn’t go as planned and that’s ok, because in these struggles is where the lessons are learned and character and courage is formed. So thank you to all those who’ve taught me such valuable lessons it’s because of you that I stand here stronger than ever before!!
With love xoxo