I was married to a malignant/psychopathic narc for 11 years, we were together for 13yrs,separated and now divorced for the past 4 yrs, and had 3 children one medically disabled.
One of the things that most stood out about his parenting style was the lack of care and concern for the welfare of our kids.
His constant need for attention and admiration was never ending so much so that he would turn on his own family including his children to seek that attention and be the center of the universe at all times. This was most evident on vacation.
Now when I say a vacation I should clarify because it’s not a relaxing day on the beach unless you’re speaking on behalf of the narc.
A vacation to the narc involves a two day overnight stay within a two hour driving time and you must do all the work. He would simply show up after taking a two hour long shower, while you got the stuff packed, loaded into the vehicle, house cleaned, kids dressed, kids fed, and kids into vehicle and then he’d conveniently show up with his small little overnight bag. His odd behavior continued as he put his head back once in the vehicle, and ignored everyone in the car, until you arrived at the destination. Narcs do not help by any stretch of the imagination nor communicate. They simply pretend to sleep and or pretend to read a magazine (in fact my family used to laugh because he never changed the page), or simply look out the window. If any of the kids had to use restrooms along the way he would get out and help himself and go alone to the man’s restroom never offer to take my son but rather leave me with all three kids to take into the ladies room.
He was always cold, distant, obnoxious, but never worse than in small enclosed hotel rooms.
Upon arrival at the hotel, he would wait in the vehicle with the kids, and I would then have to pay for hotel (as I also had to reserve the room online), get the room key, and unpack, and then he’d arrive like the “king” to the room, see the work that needed to be done and walk out so that we could unpack while he ran off for his normal cup of coffee and bagel and go to local bookstore by himself to avoid the work. This was the routine of our 2 day adventure. It was exhausting in every way to do all the work, pack the car, get the kids ready, fed the kids/bath/dressed them, get all three in the car, drive to the location several hours away, unpack, run up six flights of stairwell. It was no vacation!
However, I remember one particular time when our baby daughter started crying around 12am. Now this was rare as thankfully my kids usually slept through the night. However on this day she was hungry and crying. My narc actually stated, “Shut her the f (bomb) up” and then walked onto the balcony and closed the glass sliding door to our Wildwood NJ hotel. He wasn’t the center of attention and his own daughter was taking his spotlight. I was floored, scared, alone, and couldn’t believe this just came out of his mouth. He eventually came back in once the baby settled in for the night. Never once did he attend to any of our childrens needs. He bought their love but that was the extent of his fatherly role in their lives. He never taught them anything unless you call reading one -two pages of a bedtime book reading during his every other weekend only visits throughout entire 7 yr marriage as we were separated the last 4 yrs (thankfully). His idea of helping was to force our kids to pick out a book and he would only read no more than two pages and walk out , no kiss goodnight, no hug, no affection. Always cold and distant and always taking credit for my work the one who did teach them everything they knew and who was present 24-7 365 days per year.
Another red flag moment was upon arriving to the hotel and getting all settled in ready to go out and see the town, only to have him leave alone to get coffee claiming he’d be right back (don’t hold your breath here). lol I recall one time he left us and walked in with a pizza knowing I had just driven several hours from PA to NJ and our entire family was hungry yet he sat and ate in front of us rather than ask if we wanted some knowing he was soul income provider.
The other moment came during a trip to the beach with the kids. As we were walking my stroller became stuck at the edge were the water meets the sand. He turned looked, took the kids out of the stroller I was pushing and kept walking off w/o me and w/o assisting me get unstuck from the sand in the scorching heat and near of all things a porta potty. He never walked with us, never held my hand, always blamed his inability to walk side by side as a foot problem called fashianitas, and his lack of holding the kids was due to his nerve damage in his hand in which he couldn’t hold children whom when born weighed only 4lbs. Ironically he was witnessed pulling up his own body weight roughly 200 lbs or so unto a metal pipe for doing pull ups in the garage and he ran races for a living as he grew up a runner and continued that tradition. Funny his foot problems didn’t hamper his efforts in running a 7 minute mile race but did bother him when walking slowly with his family?
Still yet other occasions, when we walked back my arms full of buckets/shovels/beachtoys and he sat and watched his daughter fall on slippery wet surface near the spot they rinse their feet off before heading into hotel. When asked why he didn’t catch her to prevent her from falling , his statement was,” that’s how she learns not to fall” and this occurred even when riding a bike.
So many times at home he would treat the kids as mere objects and extensions. For instance if he wanted something done but didn’t want to do it himself he’d get the kids to do it for him. He never helped raise the kids, he only used them to serve his purpose. If the kids had birthdays or holidays he wouldn’t show up or if he was home you’d have to beg him to attend and quite frankly I stopped having parties at home because of his odd behaviors. He wouldn’t help plan, set up, or take down he only showed up conveniently for himself (if you were lucky enough to be in his presence). He would start problems before the event, so that the attention was always on him and you of course were then viewed by others as being the troublemaker for trying to defend yourself against his lies, deceit, and mischevious ways. He also never sat at a table with the rest of the party, he avoided other family members at all cost and would sit alone in a nearby room.
I recall many times when he would promise the kids he’d take them out of the house to his favorite spots either hardware stores or toys r us only to take one and not the other child that he originally promised to take, or simply walk out without taking any of the kids. I would find them crying on our steps upset their own dad would do this to them.
Yet the most troubling for me was when he never showed up for the birth of our kids. The biggest red flag of all, because here I was with emergency high risk c sections on all three yet he never showed up till after it was all done and we were ready to go home. If he showed up he walked in the room, no discussion unless it was to tell me how busy he was on the rentals and how he had to get back to work, and then he’d leave. Never asked to hold our newborn daughter or son, never showed up for the birth, no affection, no love, no compassion for just giving birth, no question of how I was feeling or if I needed anything nearly dying to have all three kids NOTHING.
Ironically when my son was born med disabled and fought for two months in nicu his father never showed. He used every excuse from he wasn’t allowed to the normal excuse of being busy. In fact instead of showing up he tried to take the lame way, and he tried calling the hospital rather than show up to find out information. Of course HEPA laws prevent providing information to anyone over the phone. That gave him his reason to “BLAME” and his reason why he never showed. Truth is my son’s grandparents showed up nearly every day for two months in nicu, they scrubbed down every day and drove over two hours just to spend a few minutes but they were there and it meant everything to me to not be alone. My son was born with vater syndrome and every day we didn’t know if he’d live or die. He had so many medical problems that he was classified by our state as being med disabled since birth and I had to go it all alone with my first child. My placenta had separated during birth and I nearly bled to death requiring two pints of blood during transfusion while my son had to be lifeflighted to a childrens hospital outside our area.
My husband never showed up, and then stated to me,” if I can’t handle it pull the plug” in dealing with a medically disabled child alone.
I will never forget this till the day I die.
My son’s own father cared more about himself and his needs than that of his own children.
Upon divorcing 11 yrs later we were discarded and devalued like a piece of trash.
His new supply now does all the same things we exhausted ourselves doing, and he has slightly altered his chameleon ways to try to impress behind closed doors but the narcs never change.
In time she too will experience the wrath of the narc and I can only say “good luck” as I wouldn’t wish this hell upon anyone.