Does the Narcissist ever think about his legacy?

ImageAs a survivor of an 11 yr marriage to a narc in which we had 3 beautiful kids (one med disabled) I often wondered this question,”Just what is his legacy and does he care?” As a masters graduate I consider myself to be highly intellectual and searched endlessly online to address this issue. While finding many articles about the destructive patterns left behind I found nothing to describe the legacy of the narcissist from his view. So I give you my personal experience to fall back on in hopes it may shed some light not only on his legacy but his own family dynamics as an only child , raised by a single divorced mom, with apparently an abusive father and strict live in grandmother. I recall when my ex narc first decided to marry and had asked his grandmother what she felt about me, she noted I was a beautiful woman , strong, intelligent, with utter tenacity that many women do not possess these days. With that my ex narc knew he had a great “target/supply” as he never would call me his wife but rather his “kept woman” and “business partner”. I learned through the first few years this family had many hidden secrets, including alcoholics, abusive backgrounds, sexual promiscuity and promiscuous business dealings, as well as many skeletons in their closets that they kept to themselves. After 7 yrs and the itch that apparently comes at that milestone I began to sense something was off in our marriage. Hidden agendas (late night get together dinner meetings), single lifestyles, financial concerns, marital concerns, child rearing concerns, and the infamous other women (affairs, hidden adoptions (2) and countless text messages with female co-workers). The worst thing to do to a narc is question the behavior because the wrath you’re subjected to is enormous. I suffered every form of abuse and because I was dependent upon his income (gave up career to raise kids) it afforded him every control including financial control. Begging for money from an only child not used to sharing was the most degrading form of humiliation. As time progressed and truths manifested and abuse became severe I abruptly left, taking the kids to a safe haven, filing a protection order ,and subsequently support. My 3 kids and I lived nearly 2 yrs without support, no income, no assistance. We eventually had to garnish wages, issue warrants, and contempt charges, and then have him arrested for violating the protection order. Fast forward four years later, three atttorneys including bankruptcy, and a long drawn out divorce ,and you will just hit the tip of the iceberg. He fought me relentlessly for everything and took it all in the end. After 11 yrs of sacrificing my career to further his own, after raising kids for 13 yrs alone while he resided five states away with only weekend visits we divorced and I was left devalued and discarded with absolutely nothing to show for my years of hard work and labor. He took our only home/rentals (mortgaged to the max) he sold off our assets, emptied bank accounts, even our childrens college fund was wiped clean nearly 12,000 dollars worth for three kids. He even attempted to take our only vehicle I used for transportation purposes to and from school, doctors visits and hospital stays. In the course of it all I asked myself often one word “WHY”?. What had I done to deserve such hatred and animosity? I gave this man everything I had, so much so, I had to have surgery for a ganglion cysts on my wrist from working so hard , and had 3 degenerative disks in lower back and vertigo. I never expected sympathy but I sure did think he would help out, give unconditional love and help raise our family. The devalue and discard was so difficult to endure. Yet I knew I raised a family alone, had 3 great kids who performed well in social settings and school, had control of MY finances, and had no problem relating to others, even obtaining my masters prior to giving birth. Yet something was missing. I once asked my spouse about his legacy after learning of his affairs, adulterous ways, and hidden life/secrets. His response was not what you’d think from a normal person. He rarely spoke and if you had to communicate he would turn his back to you and not look you in the eye. He wrote love poems and spoke in the third person as if I was just a figment of his imagination . His emotional distance and disconnect was mind boggling to me, I couldn’t comprehend how a father of three could simply walk into a hospital room look at his newborn child and mother of his child and walk out claiming he had work to do and was always busy. It floored me when my disabled son was born, having spent two months in nicu/intensive care, and yet he never once showed up. I later learned he had given up a child for adoption while we were married just one day prior to our 2nd childs birth but yet it still never added up. He would speak so negatively about his own mother and family. Claims such as his mother was never around, and never did anything for him was a blatant lie. After marriage we began living together it was then the truth surfaced about his”mom” and she was the sweetest most loving caring attentive woman on this planet. So why then did he make up this story of neglect? Most likely for his own self image, boost his own ego, sympathy vote from me his target. However, he never did answer my question, what is his legacy? I asked this time and time again, because upon getting older now early 40’s I felt it was time with our children to focus on our future. He never did, he lived for him, his focus was him, his wife and his kids are mere extensions of himself. You see narcs simply are fixated on themselves. They don’t care the destruction and turmoil left behind. They will devalue and discard on a moments notice and have the new supply waiting in line before you even leave. What puzzled me was the lack of remorse, empathy, concern for others. My husbands mother did it all for him right up till the day she died. She cooked, cleaned, paid his bills, (heck she bought our engagement rings, paid for his groceries, paid for a portion of our wedding) she ran his errands, put a roof over his head, and even on her deathbed she gave him her home, her pension, her car and every asset, even her money left aside in her checking and wrote explicitly in full detail where to go, and how to go about receiving the funds and assets she worked so hard to obtain. Yet he was so full of hatred against women that he never had a kind word to say about any women in his years. All his ex’s including myself are considered crazy, money hungry, and not worthy of this man who needs pedestal placement. I recall his mom on the last days of her life, on oxygen from years of smoking, struggling to breath, yet he still refused to help her. He stated she brought it upon herself by smoking, she was told to stop and didn’t therefore she deserved to suffer. I was in tears, as she was a beautiful women inside and out. How could you not help your own mother, especially after she raised you alone and gave everything to him (her only child). During a recent snowstorm he flat out refused to shovel her sidewalk knowing she couldn’t come out and do it herself , yet I was pregnant and did the job for her. Just sick, plain sick. What was more confusing is the idea of posting images of his family as if he had a personal connection. Ergo back to the logic of his legacy? What is your legacy if you are emotionally distant from everyone while only showing as façade to others, and have no truth in your life. If your whole life is a complete lie how do you leave a legacy? I wondered is his legacy the multiple affairs, the abuse his wife and kids suffered, is it his walking out upon us, his avoidance of responsibility to raise and support a family, his lack of success, financial problems, and using others to further his own agenda? The sickest thing he stated was how he showed love by providing for us but only the three basics (food, clothing, shelter) as if we didn’t need to feel an emotional connection, we didn’t need love , affection, attention, or communication? How can you not think about the destruction you caused and the lives you’ve ripped apart? I suppose placing pictures of loved ones is good for self image/self promotion to others, but how can you plaster up thousands of pictures of your family on your walls at home, in your office, or in your wallet you carry daily if your not connected to them in any way? How can you hate your parent while they are alive saying negative disparaging words yet after death show remembrance of their life by posting their remembrance photos in the local newspapers? Should you not appreciate and value others while they are alive? Should family not be your number one priority in one’s hectic busy lifestyle? I suppose since I’m not a narcissist I will never know the answer as to what his lasting legacy will be, as I’m sure he has written us out of the will, he took our home/rentals and everything we once built together, he cancelled our life insurance policy, and refused to provide support/alimony/tution/ medical coverage for us, yet the question will forever be there for him to answer one day,” what is your legacy?”…  I can assure you I know the depth of the pain, the abuse, and my children will forever be scarred because of his narc rages. Will his legacy be to rule in fear/terror/threats/ intimidation/authoritative/ militaristic style? I pray the children (however many that exist) that he gave up selfishly for adoption know that they were better off, and I pray one day they may receive the answer as to why? These children two of which I’m aware of plus my three deserve to know and make their own judgment call. As for me I have moved on with my children, we have been narc free 4 yrs and still recovering. Thank god I got out, escaped the abuse, and can now openly tell my story. I pray my story will help other narc survivors understand it’s the narcs problem not yours. Give the emotions back to the rightful owner and let it go. Heal yourself and stay strong. xoxo

One thought on “Does the Narcissist ever think about his legacy?

  1. Sounds a lot like my husband who I am divorcing after 28 years. You just have to think of them as a grown up with an emotional capacity of a 5 year old. They have a brain disorder. Part of their brain literally does not function right, the pre frontal cortex. Have you visited Melanie Tonia Evans web page “how to recover from narcissist abuse”? It’s very helpful.

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